Tuesday, March 31, 2009

 

For The Guy Who Has Read Everything



Here's an item you don't see on the average bookshelf:
A heavyweight study of the future of soft cheese won Britain's annual competition to find the year's oddest book title on Friday.

The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-milligram Containers of Fromage Frais, by Philip M. Parker won the Diagram Prize, awarded by trade magazine The Bookseller...

Fromage frais — literally "fresh cheese" — is a dairy product that originated in France and has a similar consistency to sour cream.

Sounds like a fascinating read. But the $795.00 I'd have to shell out for a new copy at Amazon is a bit daunting.

I think I'll wait for the movie.

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Saturday, March 28, 2009

 

Now, THIS Is Odd...



The headmaster at a private school in Boston is denying that the school is teeming with vampires:
There are no vampires at Boston Latin School, says headmaster Lynne Moone Teta...

"I seek your cooperation in redirecting your energy toward the learning objectives of the day. Please do not sensationalize or discuss these rumors," Teta wrote in a notice obtained by the Boston Globe and sent to faculty, students and parents.

Teta said she was concerned that some students' safety might be jeopardized because of the rumors...

HT: Moe Lane.

You know, there are things that a person might seem to confirm by denying them.

It's weird that this headmaster is basically saying "Nothing to see here! Get back to your studies!" Almost sounds like a cover-up. Not that I believe in vampires. (Or, "Vampyres" if you're one of those gay-ass goth kids.)

Zombies, now ... that's another story. If a headmaster of a school ever issues a statement denying a zombie problem ... well, I'll take it as an absolute certainty that the school has been overrun by the walking undead. I mean, some things are just obvious lies, ya know?

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Friday, March 27, 2009

 

South Park And Bailouts



If South Park isn't the smartest and funniest thing on TV right now, I'd like to know what is.

Breitbart offers analysis:



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Thursday, March 26, 2009

 

It Just Drips Quality



I'm not reviewing this movie. I haven't seen the movie; I haven't even seen the trailer. What I'm doing here is reviewing this movie's poster ... and from what I can tell just from the poster, this is probably the greatest movie ever made.

For starters, you've got Steve Guttenberg as the star. And if anyone can carry an intense action/thriller, it's Steve Guttenberg. I can't even imagine some of my favorite intense action/thrillers, like 3 Men And A Baby and PS, Your Cat Is Dead, without Guttenberg's intense, action-packed, thrilling presence.

Then there's the name of the movie itself: Fatal Rescue. Movie studios have a sacred bond with audiences when it comes to the word fatal. Simply put, the studios only put the word fatal in a movie's title if the movie is an artistic triumph. Consider watershed efforts such as Fatal Error, Fatal Justice, Fatal Memories (With the great Shelley Long), Fatal Judgement, and Fatal Fury 2: The New Battle.

It's the same thing with the word Deadly. The studios have agreed, by the way, that they're reserving the title Deadly Fatality for the final and best movie ever to be made. (Vin Diesel is in talks to star.)

But back to the film at hand. Of course, I'm extremely intrigued by the concept of a rescue that is fatal. I can't imagine how you can both kill and rescue anyone. This movie probably involves an ingenuous plot twist. Maybe Guttenberg is rescuing someone from being alive?

The poster's final selling point is the intense focus on the faces of all the actors pictured. It isn't clear what they're looking at, but whatever it is has them gravely concerned. Just look at the way Guttenberg is channeling all of his intensity with his eyebrows and his slightly open mouth (great actors can do that). His face clearly says "I'm gravely concerned." Aren't you just dying to know what he sees?

Of course I'll be reviewing Fatal Rescue just as soon as I get a chance to go buy the deluxe, three-disc collector's edition DVD (I assume there is one). Boy, I just can't wait.

UPDATE: Scott at Good News Film Reviews looks at the trailer for Fatal Rescue.

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Monday, March 23, 2009

 

Scary Eye Larry



My step-dad is a good guy. He came into our lives a little later than usual, whatever "usual" is. He and my mom started dating shortly after he retired and shortly before my mom did the same. They've been married for four or five years, I guess.

The thing about my step-dad is that that he has terrible luck with his right eye. For some reason, every time he gets injured in any way, the worst part of the injury is going to happen to that same eye. A few years ago he was running a weed-eater and the weed-eater picked up a stick and flung it straight into his eye. He needed stitches and his eye was all bloody and bruised for a while.

A few years later a nasty case of food poisoning caused him to pass out, striking that same eye on the corner of his bedroom dresser.

If you shot Larry in the foot, the bullet would bounce off and hit him in the eye.

No matter what happens to Larry, the worst of it is going to find it's way to his eye. And he's really self-conscious about it. Whenever he's recovering from his most recent eye injury he always worries that the kids will panic if they see him. He has been known to lurk around the house with the lights off, hiding from visitors and warning them not to look at him. It's as though he thinks he's literally come down with the evil eye: "Don't look upon me! Your milk will curdle, your crops will burn and your women will miscarry! Cast your eyes away!"

So that's how he got the nickname Scary Eye Larry.

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Saturday, March 21, 2009

 

Classic Kids In The Hall



Oh, I really think this sketch is funny. Sure it is, it's just soooo funny.



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Friday, March 20, 2009

 

Job For A Sponge



Job For A Cowboy is an extreme metal band.

Spongebob Squarepants is a yellow invertebrate.

Two great tastes that taste great together:



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Monday, March 16, 2009

 

Ooopsie



Ya know, you really gotta be careful about where you slap those price-tags.

fail owned pwned pictures

See more of this kind of thing at FailBlog.



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Friday, March 13, 2009

 

Steven Crowder: Funny Guy



This guy is funny. And smart. I might have to put him on my mental "check regularly" list at my YouTube page with Zo and Penn Jillette.

Now, don't worry about that video title. There is no torture or beheading in this clip. Just some observations and good humor.

Apparently Steven Crowder has been around for a while. I'm always the last guy to find out about the cool junk.

This clip is pretty good, too:

I like it when people make fun of PETA because PETA is all, like, retarded and stuff.

OK, so he's not as razor-sharp and he doesn't have the same POW!-factor as Zo ... and he's a little gimmicky for my taste ... but I've watched a few of his videos and enjoyed them more than not.

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Thursday, March 12, 2009

 

Terrified Of What?



fail owned pwned pictures

Lots of funny stuff (some NSFW) at FailBlog.

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Monday, March 02, 2009

 

Dreaming About The Dead



Lately I've been having a lot of dreams about the dead, and I have to wonder what that says about me, what it says about my state of mind, if indeed it says anything.

I've looked for answers with Google, because, of course, you can believe everything that you find on the internet.

I found a website that belches forth a message about Global Oneness in it's banner, and boasts that it is "co-creating a happy world." As you might imagine, I was damn near overcome with special feelings of warm fuzziness.

The merry band at Global Oneness offer quite a bit of information about dreams of the dead, including:
To dream of seeing the dead, living and happy, signifies you are letting wrong influences into your life, which will bring material loss if not corrected by the assumption of your own will force.

That caught my attention because the dreams I've been having are all just that; dreams of seeing dead friends and relatives alive again, happy and peaceful, not the least bit concerned about the fact that they were dead a while ago.

But I'm not at all sure how to achieve the assumption of my own will force. I can only assume that it involves a light saber. I don't have one. I do have a rake, but you seldom see brave Jedi warriors going forth into battle armed with gardening tools. So I'll have to leave the assumption of my will force for another time.

These dreams are mainly about four different people; my grandmother and grandfather, an uncle who was like a father to me, and a friend who died almost a year ago. In the dreams I'm typically amazed to see them alive and well again in familliar settings, and I usually have the sense that this is a temporary arrangement, but I can never find the words to express everything I want to say to them before they're once again lost to the warm indifference of the void. My dead loved ones are usually happy in the dreams, but I'm usually in a bit of a panic.

At a website called AnswerBag, someone asked the following question, and given that it was posted in all caps I'll assume that there was an urgency about it:
EXACTALLY WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN I DREAM OF DECEASED PEOPLE THAT I KNEW WHEN THEY WERE ALIVE BUT THEY DONT AKNOWLEDGE ME IN MY DREAMS? DOES THAT MEAN I'M GOING TO DIE?

A number of people have offered answers, including a few amateur theologists. This one is my favorite:
remember when you pass away, you are in doormat untill jesus returns to earth again.

Emphasis, I suppose, on the word amateur more than theologist.

You know, I just can't imagine my late grandmother waiting for her Savior's return while hanging out inside of a friggin' doormat. A pair of curtains, OK. A toilet-paper cozy? For sure. But not a doormat.

I continued clicking links and found something from a 2007 New York Times piece that caught my attention:
“Back to life” or “visitation” dreams, as they are known among dream specialists and psychologists ... are a particularly potent form of what Carl Jung called “big dreams...”

Later, the article mentioned the research of one Dr. Dierdre Barrett, assistant professor of psychology, Harvard Medical School:
The most common (of these kinds of dreams) was "back to life" dreams, which made up 39 percent of the dreams of the dead in Dr. Barrett’s sample. In such dreams, subjects were surprised or frightened by the appearance of a deceased loved one. Dr. Barrett theorized that these early dreams corresponded to the confusion and denial of early stages of grief.

That seemed somewhat authentic to me. Especially with regard to the death of my friend last year. His passing was sudden and shocking, and since he was a co-worker I have opportunities to think about him almost daily. Maybe I'm still trying to accept that he's gone. Maybe his death has stirred lingering grief for lost family.

I was comforted some by this quote from Roger Knudson, director of the Ph.D. program in clinical psychology at Miami University of Ohio:
"I don’t want to get over my father. That’s not to say that I want to suffer on a daily basis or that I don’t want to understand that he is dead. But I look forward to dreams in which my father will come again. What does it mean to ‘get over’ it? I think that is crazy."

Emphasis mine.

I like that. And I'm gonna leave it at that.

Hey, it beats a friggin' doormat.

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Saturday, February 28, 2009

 

Foodism



Harvey at IMHO has a post about a small-town mayor who's in political hot water for forwarding a racist anti-Obama cartoon.

The cartoon's caption is something about this year's White House Easter egg hunt not happening. The image is a picture of the White House with a huge watermelon patch.

Yeah, it's racist. And it's dumb. And it brings up an issue that I've never understood.

Why is there a stereotype about black folks liking watermelon and fried chicken? I don't get that. Don't YOU like watermelon and fried chicken, regardless of your race? I LOVE watermelon and I'm crazy about fried chicken. EVERYBODY loves watermelon and fried chicken. So what's up with this stereotype?

Is the message of this stereotype that black folks sure know good food when they see it? Because I think that's a pretty positive stereotype.

You don't hear a lot of generalizations about white folks when it comes to food. Or any other races, for that matter.

Maybe whites should have a food stereotype. Since watermelon and fried chicken are already taken (and that's a shame, since those are both awesome foods), I'll suggest the following: Why don't we start insisting that white folks sure love them some ice cream and cheeseburgers.

I love ice cream and cheeseburgers as much as watermelon and chicken, so I'm gonna speak for whites and say we got dibs on the burgers and ice cream.

Wouldn't it be pretty cool, really, if every race had a foodist stereotype?

I'll suggest a few:



OK, that's enough for now. Not because I've run out of good foods to assign, but because I'm running out of ethnic groups. But if you represent a group I've skipped and you've got a favorite food, let me know. I'll be happy to put you on the list.

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Thursday, February 26, 2009

 

A Laugh At Wal-Mart



Hey, look, it's Obama's Spendulus Package in action!

Toilet paper was a dollar-twelve, now it's SEVEN BUCKS!

This time next year we'll be standing in line for two hours to buy that seven-dollar toilet paper!

Thank you, Comrade Obama!

(This post has five exclamation points!)

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Something Just Occured To Me...



...because, granted, I've been thinking about Watchmen lately:

Maybe Dr. Manhattan is a monkey?

(Rimshot.)

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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

 

Francis Hates Everything...



...well, he hates everything but vests.

This goofy little Left 4 Dead dance song gave me a chuckle. Somebody strung together all the clips of Francis talking about the things he hates and compiled this catchy little tribute to the man and his intolerance.

B13 and Scott and other fellow Left 4 Dead players might get a kick out of this, but to everyone else it's just not gonna make any sense.



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Friday, February 20, 2009

 

Monkey Profiling



Shouldn't a monkey be judged by the content of his character rather than the color of his scrotum?
...a DeBrazza monkey has escaped and Woodland Park Zoo is in lockdown while its recovery is in progress. No word on the sex, but if it is a male escapee, it'll have a bright blue scrotum, which may aid in spotting it.

Just so you know, any monkeys without blue scrotums that you might see cavorting in the area are harmless. It's only the blue-scrotumed ones we're worried about.

And lest anybody level charges of racism against me for paraphrasing Dr. King, you ought to know that the blue-monkey-scrotum race-card has already been played and it was a wash:
Huffpo had posted what appeared to be a video of Fox News's John Gibson jokingly referring to Attorney General Eric Holder as a monkey with a "bright blue scrotum." That last bit is a reference to an unrelated news story about a Debrazza monkey that escaped from a zoo in Seattle...

It didn't happen, though. Huffpo now says the video of Gibson was doctored. By whom is unknown. The phony video has been removed from YouTube.

Is this the way it's going to be now? Every mention of a monkey is going to bring charges of racism? Even if soundclips have to be fabricated in the process? Who are these people who send up red flags every time someone mentions a monkey? WTF?

I mean, what kind of standard is that?

And are we going to start identifying miscreants based on the characteristics of their scrotums? What effect will that have on mug shots?

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Friday, February 13, 2009

 

Still Laughing



Here's some more fun inspired by the David After Dentist video that I embeded the other day. This kind of thing usually wears thin for me pretty quickly, but for whatever reason I'm still enjoying the joke in this instance.

Neither of these are as good as the Christian Bale remix, but they still cracked me up.

First up, Chad Vader's trip to the dentist:

Next, a video from Upright Citizen's Brigade:



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Tuesday, February 10, 2009

 

Laughed And Laughed And Laughed And Now My Throat And Head Hurt



The other day I posted the now famous YouTube video of the little boy struggling to get past the laughing gas after a trip to the dentist. David, your fifteen minutes are well-deserved. You're awesome, kid.

Later that day I mentioned the all-important Christian Bale temper tantrum.

I would have never, never, ever guessed that either of those two items could be milked for more laughs. But I guess I hadn't considered a mash-up.

What would have happened if Christian Bale had been David's daddy?

LANGUAGE WARNING!!

This made me laugh until I am now physically miserable:


All things considered, I'm glad little David has the daddy that he actually has.

HT: Ace.

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Wednesday, February 04, 2009

 

Won't Get Fooled Again



For two weeks now, the United States has been neck-deep in the failed Obama administration, and no one seems to have an exit strategy.

I blame Colin Powell. In February of 2003 Powell appeared before the UN and argued for the invasion of Iraq. In October of last year, Powell endorsed Barack Obama for President of the United States. How many more times will we allow this man to lead the US into a quagmire?

At least this time Powell can say that our nation's security really was compromised by a real WMD (Washington Media Darling).

America will eventually have time to catch our collective breath and figure out just what went wrong. When we do, here are some of the issues we'll have to address:


The way out won't be easy. We still have somewhere around three years, eleven months and two weeks of the failed Obama administration to endure. But let's hope that 2012 will finally bring America change we can believe in.

Maybe in the form of Jeb Bush.

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Christian Bale Rules The Dance Floor



Typically I don't post this kind of stuff, but this is really, really funny and extremely unsafe to play at work. EXTREME language warning. Like five-thousand F-bombs.

First, the setup: You've probably heard by now that Christian Bale apparently had a melt-down on the set of Terminator: Salvaton last summer and ended up cursing and verbally abusing the director of photography.

For that full story, click here. Audio is embedded at that link; if you want you can listen to a recording of Bale's rant. But, again, remember that the language is extreme and isn't safe to play at work ... unless you work in a crack-house or on a tuna boat.

OK, so that's the set-up, here's the inevitable payoff: Somebody chopped up the recording of the rant, added clips of the infamous Barbra Streisand on-stage rant from a year or two ago, and came up with a techno dance song that has me laughing like crazy:


Yeah, it's chidish and vulgar, but so am I. In my defense, what cracks me up is the way the remix really highlights the total absurdity of Bale's rant:

"It's f------ distracting, oooooooh good!
It's f------ distracting, oooooooh good!"


I'll hum that all day.

And for the record, although it might be a stretch, I'll give Bale the benefit of the doubt. This might be the worst he's ever behaved on the set of a film and might not be an indication of what it's like to work with him normally.

Yeah, it's a real stretch, but maybe.

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Tuesday, February 03, 2009

 

Hillarious



This little guy has just had some major work done by the dentist and the goofy gas still hasn't worn off yet:

It's surprising, the instincts I've retained from my misspent youth. While watching this I kept having the urge to whisper "Calm down, dude, you're gonna get us busted!"

HT: Geekologie.

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Zombie Love



This is a hoot: The fun-lovin' folks at Valve Software have conjured up some Left 4 Dead themed Valentine cards just in time to print and share with your true love.

You can choose from four cards featuring the hunter, the witch, the smoker or the boomer.

Wonder why they left out the tank? The big guy is custom-built for giving unforgettable hugs.

Update: Correction, the tank was included after all, and so were all four survivors. The complete set of cards is available in one handy link right here.

Another update: Boy, I jumped the gun and screwed this post up completely. The cards did not come from Valve, they've been turned out by a fan and an artist. Fine, whatever, the cards are still fun and funny.

Oh, and get this: some people are already talking about a Left 4 Dead movie. Man, what an AWFUL idea. Left 4 Dead is already a movie. In fact, it's already four movies. It's four fun little interactive b-movies that you "act in" on your PC or Xbox. Four b-movies that change each time you run through 'em. There's no need to make a movie out of the game, it's a superfluous and silly idea.

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Monday, February 02, 2009

 

This Is Really Worth Pointing Out



I just have to say that the first five minutes of Sunday Night's post-Super-Bowl episode of The Office is probably the funniest five minutes of TV I've ever seen in my life.

I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard.

If you watch the show, you know that they never go for slapstick. The humor is all situational and dialogue-driven. So this one time when they went for big, physical jokes it really worked. What a HUGE payoff. So, so, so funny.

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Sunday, February 01, 2009

 

Junk Dump 14: The First Of 2009



Here's my latest pile of random graphic images, stuff I saw on the internet at bulletin boards, at various sites, etc. Just stuff that made me laugh. Once again, I didn't save the addresses as to where I saw these things, so I can't give link credit. I just right-click-and-saved, and eventually the "junk" folder on our desktop got full again.

You know, as I look over this current pile o' junk, I realize that my sense of humor is just getting more and more obtuse.

Just something about the implication that this anteater is being cocky got me giggling. I took the liberty to cut out the offensive word, the one and only vulgarity that I do make some effort to keep this blog free of. To the best of my ability, this is an F-Bomb Free Zone. And I think we can guess how Mr. Anteater would respond to that.



Yeah, weird, but it made me laugh.



OK, I am the LAST person who should be poking fun at another fat ol' redneck fella. But you gotta admit, this picture and caption are funny. I've found that if you sneak up on pie in the middle of the night while it's sleeping in the fridge you can make a quick surgical strike and get out of there in minutes.



I love it when The Simpsons writers go for a jokes that 90% of their audience won't get and 10% will think is hilarious and brilliant. I have to wonder how many times I'm in the 90%. Probably a whole lot.



Existentially, Snoopy and Charlie Brown are perfect for their roles, and I can live with Schroeder as Ozz... but Linus as the Comedian? That just doesn't work. Have Linus be Night Owl and Charlie Brown's sister Sally be the Silk Spectre. And go cross-gener with Peppermint Patty as the Comedian. If Lucy is gonna be in the thing at all, I'd cast her as Moloch or maybe as Nixon. Or maybe as Jon's first wife. Those changes represent much better casting than the original roles in the graphic, right?



Nope, still not trying to win the "Enlightened Male Blogger" award. I wonder if Lorna will bust me on this one? ;)



Cool! A door mat with a message that flips as easily and quickly as my wife's moods! (Rimshot.)



I saw this clip on TV... the trainer is trying to teach the dog not to lunge for food ... to wait and eat what and when he's allowed. The training seems to be working ... but at what price, Jim? AT. WHAT. PRICE?!!??.

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Saturday, January 31, 2009

 

Signs Of The Zombie Apocalypse



I think there's significant cause to start preparing for the zombie apocalypse, which is apparently right around the corner.

For one thing, the zombie-apocalypse-survival game Left 4 Dead is hugely popular. As I mentioned once before, I love the game and play it every time I get a chance.

This game is very useful for virtually learning the skills that we'll all need when the zombies attack. But virtual preparation isn't enough...

College students have taken to real life practice sessions so that they might be ready for the rise of the walking undead. As we all know, college students are the world's best barometer for trends in common sense and pragmatism. So I think we would all do well to follow their lead.

Then there are the incidents involving electronic road signs that have been changing lately to indicate that, apparently, there's no room left in hell:

As we all know, nazi zombies are the worst kind, since they're evil before they even become zombies. So that's, like, double zombie jeopardy or something. The only thing I can think of that would be more evil would be if a member of the cast of the Hills died and then became a zombie ... and then joined to the Nazi party.

Of course, local governments deny any knowledge of the zombie road-sign alerts ... which means, of course, that the federal government is controlling things. Obviously there's some sort of government virus lab somewhere and things have gone wrong there and it's only a matter of time until the deceased crawl from their graves. And the government will eventually mention those signs and say "Well, it's not like we didn't warn you." But, in the meantime, mum's the word.

Then there's George Romero's Zombie Generator, which lets you transform even the prettiest faces into horrific zombie visages:

That way you can monitor familiar faces for signs that the infection is changing them.

I mean, damn: zombies have even started creeping into classic literature.

So don't say I didn't warn you. Of course, now that I've made a public spectacle of the coming zombie apocalypse, the government is going to move to silence me, just like they did with Jimmy Hoffa and Elvis. That's OK, I'm willing to be that martyr.

Maybe someday after it's all over and civilization rebuilds itself, they'll erect a monument in my honor.

I'd like it to be like the Lincoln monument, only three times as big. Please make a note of it.

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Thursday, January 29, 2009

 

The Present's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades



OK, times are tough right now. The economy sucks. Everyone is feeling it. Even the labor unions are feeling it; last week the USW had to lay off six congressmen. (Rimshot!)

But the present looks pretty amazing when you go back to the past and look at today as the future.

That might not make sense, but it will. Check out this video of a local newscast clip from San Francisco in 1981.

This harkens back to a time when simply being a "home computer owner" was rare enough to get you identified that way on the local news ... when the only way to get on line was to physically put your rotary phone's handset on top of a modum ... and when a total of eight newspapers were on the internet. Watch the whole thing, it's really pretty funny and gets funnier toward the end:

My favorite quote in the whole thing: "We're not in it to make money."

This video has been posted at a number of blogs, including Hot Air, where I saw it.

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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

 

Lost Has Apparently Crossed The Line



Wendy is finally watching the season premiere of Lost. I'm aware that it's on, but I'm not watching it. I'm websurfing.

At one point a moment ago I heard Wendy say "Oh, now that's just not realistic."

I'm peripherally aware of some of the plot elements that Lost has introduced over the years. Polar bears on tropical islands, gigantic monsters, time travel, conspiracies, magical healings, etc. But Wendy has never blanched at anything they've thrown at her before. So I just had to turn around and ask what had finally impressed her as utterly implausible.

Her response: "Someone just opened a dishwasher and the knives where in there blade-up. Nobody would put knives in a dishwasher blade-up."

I guess there's only so much of this farfetched crap that one person can swallow.

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Monday, January 26, 2009

 

Neato



This is pretty darn cool. I saw it at Geekologie.

At gigapan.org you can see an an amazing picture of the inauguration that you can manipulate almost endlessly.

You can scroll, drag and zoom to an extreme degree, going from as far back as this:


To as close as this:


The technology that makes this possible is explained at the site if you're interested. Basically this panoramic picture is really a series of many, many pictures all stuck together. Super powerful megacomputers and lasers and voodoo are all employed, I'm sure.

I found myself crawling all over the picture for a long time, first noticing some of the famous people who had roles to play that day...


...and former Presidents and their wives...


I'm a big fan of Supreme Court Justice Clarance Thomas, and I don't blame him for taking the occasion of Obama's speech to grab a quick nap...


And then I started scanning the crowd for celebrities. And I found a few!

Check it out, it's TV and cinema's Michael Chiklis...


...and hippity hoppity rapper extraordinaire Snoopy Doggity Dog...


...then I saw radio talk-show host and vigilante Curtis Sliwa with a big-ass camera...


...and boxer Mike Tyson and his date, cleverly disguised as Eskimos...


...and a real legend from the world of cartoons, Elmer Fudd...


...and, look! It's Ruben Studdard and the late Ossie Davis, elbowing each other as they chuckle over one of Obama's "promises," har har har...


...then things got really freaky. Imagine my surprise when I saw the hideous, haphazardly constructed Frankenstein's Monster...


...and Bilbo Baggins, only a millisecond after he slipped on The One Ring to disappear into the crowd...


...and what's a view of a panoramic crowd without an appearance from Waldo?



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Sunday, January 25, 2009

 

No! Noooo! NOOOOOO!



I may never get the visual out of my head, no matter how hard I try:

But at least I now know why Michelle always looks so uptight.

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

 

Michelle Obama = Worf



I've just noticed how strong the resemblance really is:

Worf is a little less harsh-looking, though.

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Monday, January 19, 2009

 

"He Looks Like A Guy Who Can Get Things Done."



Classic Carlin, cuts right to the chase.

Language warning, content warning, every other kind of warning you can think of. Not for the easily offended, but it makes me laugh like crazy.

"It's all 50/50 ... so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish and enjoy yourself."

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Friday, January 16, 2009

 

Substitute



A lot going on this weekend, I won't have time to write anything. So instead, here's a YouTube video that accurately reproduces the tone, style and content of most of my blog posts:



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Disparate Diatribes





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Thursday, January 15, 2009

 

Star Wars ... Or Whatever



This is the story of Star Wars, as told by someone who's never seen the movies:


"I'm going over to, like, the Dark Side, or whatever."

"Keep the faith, the force is strong, or whatever."

Obviously she really hasn't seen the movies. Her version of the dialogue is much better than what Lucas actually came up with.

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Thursday, January 08, 2009

 

Failure To Communicate



At work, in the break room:
CO-WORKER: "Hey, do you guys still have that old computer you aren't using?"

ME: "Nah, I traded it."

CO-WORKER: "You traded it?"

ME: "Yeah, I traded it to a friend of mine for his daughter."

CO-WORKER: "You gave him an old computer and he gave you his daughter?"

ME: No. I mean I gave it to him for his daughter to use. And he gave me some guitar gear. For my son to use.

CO-WORKER: "Oh. Well, that's nowhere near as interesting."





Over a terrible cell phone connection, I'm in the car:

ME: "What's with this big box addressed to you in the back seat of the car?"

WIFE: (Garbled) "...my dad sent it."

ME: "So what's in the box?"

WIFE: (Garbled ... sounds like) "...piss jugs."

ME: "Did you say piss jugs?"

WIFE: (Garbled ... sounds like) "...his trucks."

ME: "What? His trucks?"

WIFE: (Garbled ... sounds like) "...Hess Trucks! Hess Trucks! It's the Hess Trucks that my dad sent the kids for Christmas!"

ME: "Oh. Yeah, your dad gets the kids those trucks every year."

WIFE: "I know."

ME: "The kids hate those trucks. They never play with them."

WIFE: "I know. I've told my dad that a number of times. But he likes Hess Trucks, so he keeps getting the kids Hess Trucks."

ME: "Oh. (Pause.) You know, a box full of piss jugs actually would have been more useful."


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Tuesday, January 06, 2009

 

The iPod Thorazine Shuffle



I wish I had a giant iPod wheel on my forehead. Or even one I could just carry in a small, round pillbox. Some kind of wheel that I could turn to administer mood-altering chemicals, complete with a little soft rock. You know, both kinds of feel-good hits.

I'd trace my finger around the wheel and find just the right mood or the right thought or just the right tone of ambivalence for any situation. It would be so cool to be able to simply spin the wheel and say the right thing to anyone. Say exactly what they want to hear without having to think about it at all. All through the magic of uppers, downers, and DRM protected digital media.

Let's say some friend hit me out of the blue with some serious grievances about my current feelings on religion. I'd spin the iPod wheel, drop a Benzodiazepine, and play The Doobie Brothers, singing that "Jesus is Just Alright." And we'd all share the groovy experience provided by my personal iPod Thorazine Shuffle and everybody would be brothers and sisters, man, and all would be groovy.

Or someone else could confess some recent betrayal or deceit that I'd suspected all along and I could spin my iWheel and get a Benzodiazepine hit ... then call up Don Henley's "Heart Of The Matter" and pretty soon the shrunken, aging eco-Eagle would be pontificating about forgiveness: "There are people in your life who've come and gone / They let you down, you know they hurt your pride / You better put it all behind you baby; cause' life goes on / If you keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby..." Yeah, Don, groove on, groove on, baby. The way you bring that soft rock groove makes me think everything is just oooooooohh kaaaaaaaay. And, well, the Benzodiazepine helps.

How awesome would that be. In the meantime, we'll have to settle for the iTop, a new laptop from apple that lets the machine do even more of the thinking:


A step in the right direction, for sure. The iWheel solves all. It knows all, it is all, the iWheel is the avatar of peace. But we're not quite there yet. Gov't Mule has just the prescription:


"Stand by to stand by,
Ain't no need to worry today.
The (iPod) Thorazine Shuffle gonna make everything OK."


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Thursday, January 01, 2009

 

Uncle Jay Sings Of 2008



It'll either make you grin or get on your nerves. It made me grin:



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Saturday, December 27, 2008

 

Artie Lang On Letterman



The guy is just flat-out funny. He's Howard Stern's sideman, but he's way funnier than Stern.

Content advisory, off-color stories, etc.

Here he is with a story about the n-word that literally had me in tears with laughter. Serious, extreme langauge warning here. Every offensive word known to man is contained in this next clip. But the content, philologically, is friggin' genius.



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Monday, December 08, 2008

 

Rosie Canceled



Rosie O'Donnell's variety show was canceled after one episode. I don't know why, though ... based on this clip, I think it must have been a decent show:

And Rosie never looked prettier.

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Friday, November 28, 2008

 

RickRolling Macy's



You had it coming, America:

It's neat to see that this guy has a good sense of humor about himself and the RickRolling phenomenon.

By the way, I have never been RickRolled. Not as of yet, anyway. But Wendy got RickRolled just the other day and I thought it was hilarious.

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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

 

MCFAT XXIV



MCF's latest round of probing, exhaustive inquiries.

1) Is it good or bad when sitcoms feature celebrity guest stars?
I don't like sitcoms. I tend to feel that the writing, acting and directing in sitcoms is generally bad to awful. So when a movie star makes an appearance on a sitcom, my gut reaction is to wonder that he or she apparently needed a paycheck badly. Or maybe that he or she owed someone a favor.

That's different, though, when celebs show up as guest voices on the Simpsons. The Simpsons is the best thing American TV has ever produced, and well worth the time of anyone with actual talent.

Of course, all of this is just my opinion, and I insist that you brush it off and disregard it. I clearly don't know what I'm talking about and should never be taken seriously.

2) What is the most shocking thing you've seen on the internet?
Some of what comes to mind would include the following:
  • Most recently, a blogger who shall remain nameless (except to assert that his name is and has always been Michael Wayvid Whorenelli), posted a link to what turned out to be a series of upsetting photographs of dogs who had been mutilated "in the name of science" by insane Europeans.

    As a dog-lover, I had a terrible time looking at those pictures and I'm still suppressing the urge to get revenge by gathering up some scientists, chaining them to a tree and forcing them to "do their business" in the yard.

    In the future, I'd like to suggest a new web-speak acronym for these kinds of posts. You know the kinds of acronym's I'm talking about. Stuff like NSFW (Not safe for work) or OMG (Oh, my God!) or ZMOG (Zebra meat on grill!) Posts involving links to mutilated dog pictures should include something like


    WBC
    TLYMU
    SPOAAMD
    AMFTUTTE
    TYHTSTROTER
    AITFWYODUYFBA
    WYUSBOTCASIOMWW
    STBKATHHOLFOMBSDPP*.

    *TWLEOTFAHAIPFLOT"A"



    Obviously, that would stand for "Warning, by clicking this link you might unintentionally see pictures of abused and mutilated dogs and might find that unbearable to the extent that you have to spend the rest of the evening rolling around in the floor with your own dogs until you feel better about what you've unwittingly seen because of the crass and shocking indifference of Michael Wayved Whorenelli, soon to be known as the Hugh Heffner or Larry Flint of mutilated-by-scientists dog-pictures pornography.*

    *Though with less emphasis on the first amendment. He's apparently involved purely for love of the 'art.'"



  • One of the first "dark side of the internet" sites I ever heard about was the infamous Rotten.com. I remember spending half an hour or so looking at that site for the first time. You have to be very careful about what you click there. Maybe you'll see something relatively harmless or silly ... or maybe you'll see something altogether different that will make you want to jump up, run outside and scream for the neighbor to come close your browser window for you so that you'll never risk seeing it again.

  • The hanging of Saddam Hussein was a bit of a net sensation. It bothered me and I wrote about it.


  • I understand that there is also a video out there called "two girls one cup." I haven't seen it, but I have had the video's action described for me by an enthusiastic young man who seemed to have (barely) more teeth than braincells. About fifteen seconds into his vivid description I had to request that oxygen and an epidural be administered if I were going to have to hear any more. Since nothing of the sort could be provided, I opted to walk away, even though doing so meant going back to the work I was supposed to be doing at the time.

3) Is it possible to have too much free time?
If you've read anything ... ANYTHING ... at this blog, you know that the answer is yes.

4) Inspired by a recent Dwight Shrute monologue, I ask you: what's your perfect crime?
Inspired by Guns N' Roses, I'll answer you thus:



"You wanna f--- with me? Don't f--- with me.
I'm what you'll be, so don't f--- with me."



SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION: What (animated) fictional town offers a whirlwind existence, race cars, lasers, airplanes, mystery-solving, time travel, and more?

Well, it's not fictional, but it is "animated." You've just offered a perfect description of Iron Gate, Virginia.

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Saturday, November 15, 2008

 

Happy Time Sunshine Puppy Dog Unicorn Flowers Hearts And Magical Rainbows



Now that we've handed the reigns over to the Savior-Elect, the world is perfect:



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ANVIL! The Story Of Anvil



This looks like American Movie by way of This Is Spinal Tap. And it's a real documentary about a real band. (I vaguely remember Anvil from the '80's.)

I think this has the potential to be very funny and sad at the same time, just like American Movie. I look forward to seeing it. There isn't a proper trailer for the film, apparently, and the clip above is the best clip I could find at YouTube. Click here to see a shorter, better one (although not an embeddable one) at RollingStone.com. There are also several clips at IMDB.

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Friday, November 14, 2008

 

Debating In Triplicate



I didn't feel that there was any need for me to watch all three Presidential debates this year. So I only watched the last one ... but I saw all three of them. This video is both funny and frustrating:

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

One more illustration of some of the reasons that I'm disgusted and disillusioned with American politics.

More so than ever, that is.

HT: Hot Air.

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Thursday, November 13, 2008

 

Creepy Robot



I think we can all probably agree that "android" like robots are evil and they should all be destroyed. Here's one that admits to it's nefarious plans. Lest you forget about Science Officer Ash, take a minute and get to know Jules:


HT: Geekologie.

Note to android creators: Giving these things amazingly life-like features and ranges of expression, and then programming them to talk about the destruction of entire cities ... that's not gonna generate the kind of PR you're looking for.

I'm just sayin'.

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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

 

Awesomely Awful Metal Album Covers



I'm a big fan of heavy metal music, I have been since I was a kid and I just refuse to grow out of it. I gotta have my metal.

One consequence of metal addiction is that you're constantly seeking out new bands to check out. One consequence of that is that you get exposed to a huge number of really awful heavy metal bands.

Another consequence is that you see an awful lot of really, really, really awful album covers.

With the Mp3 and the iPod quickly replacing the music store and the CD (just as the CD replaced the classic vinyl LP), maybe it's time to celebrate some of the absolute worst album covers out there before the whole concept of album covers is forgotten forever.


The best thing about this cover is that it features not one but two rockin' metal mustaches.




There's just too much going on here.

The being on the cover seems to be a Transformer. MCF could probably tell me for sure if it's an authentic one or not.

One of his legs is either a bus or a subway train, and one of his feet is a tank (I'm talking about the being on the album cover, not MCF). And, he has giant moth wings. Because, you know, he'd look goofy without them. And he's apparently ripped out his (horribly swollen) heart and is in the process of replacing it with ... a large gear. And, really, I don't see how he had any other choice.




It's kinda cool that this must be a Latino metal band. My biggest complaint is that the little skeleton-guy is gonna be far to short to play that big-ass guitar.




Another cover with just far too much going on. I don't blame the old guy for drinking, I'd drink too if I'd lost my right leg and all of my shirt's buttons.




Damn you, cruel hand of fate! He finally kisses a girl and it's just as they electrocute him! Doh!




What is that thing?




Beware the giant Easter eggs of doom!




I'm fine with this album cover featuring an ax-wielding sumo wrestler with the head of ... the head of a hamster, I think. And I'm fine with all the skulls, which seem to indicate that the sumo hamster guy is really brutal. And I'm fine with the fact that apparently a 747 is about to crash into the sumo hamster guy. Clearly he was asking for it. But why is sumo hamster guy's body pink? That just makes the whole concept seem silly.




"See! I told you guys that the painting I made in seventh grade would eventually be my own band's album cover!"




This last one is my favorite. I just can't decide what I like most about it. Maybe it's the seven-foot tall Lurch lookalike with the formal shirt and the giant hair. Maybe it's the combination of fists and sunglasses. Nothing says "We kick ass" more than fists and sunglasses. Or maybe my favorite thing is the guy second from the right. The one who's right eye appears to be bulging out of his head. There's just so much to love about this album cover. I want a FatHead of this album cover.

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