I have no idea how to respond to this. Other than with a shovel.

The list of people that I'd like to
hit in the face with a shovel* includes:

Cecile Richards

Cecile Richards is the President of Planned Parenthood. One of her closest back-pocket politicians is The Great Satan, Hillary Clinton.

The current Secretary of State has championed abortion on demand for years. Cecile Richards is about to show her appreciation to Hillary by presenting her with the Margaret Sanger award.

You read that right. It's an award named for Margaret Sanger.

What, would it have been a bit too obvious to present Hillary with an award named for Pol Pot or Hitler?

On the off chance that you don't know, Margaret Sanger championed abortion in the name of "eugenics," her word for ethnic cleansing. Sanger wanted to wipe out what she thought of as the lesser races with the hopes of creating a pure, white master race.

This is the most outrageous thing I've ever heard of. So here's Dan, taking one to the face, as he usually does, for Cecile Richards:

*Disclaimer: The usual disclaimer doesn't apply here. I'm just too disgusted.

Labels: The Shovel List

It's always sad when formerly brilliant people become bitter and hateful and petty in their old age.

(No, I'm not talking about myself, smartass. I've never been brilliant. I get by on my looks.)

The list of people that I'd like to
hit in the face with a shovel* includes:

David Letterman

Here's Letterman just trashing Rush Limbaugh in the ugliest, most unpleasant way:

Ya know, I don't enjoy Limbaugh because he's often hateful and sometimes seems incapable of empathy. It's a little ironic that Letterman has has become just as bad, maybe worse.

So today Dan takes one to the face for a a nasty old windbag who I used to enjoy a whole lot:

*Disclaimer: The author doesn't actually wish physical harm upon anyone on this list, and probably won't feel as pissed off at Letterman as I am right now in ten minutes or so. The author doesn't intend to encourage anyone to actually, physically hit anyone on this list with a shovel. In the event that someone does actually hit anyone on this list with a shovel, the author respectfully insists that the shovel-swinger must not pull some kind of John Hinckley/Jodie Foster deal and say that it was done to impress the author. The author reserves the right, though, to snicker quietly if someone actually does hit someone on this list in the face with a shovel.

Labels: The Shovel List

I'm gonna have fun with this one.

The list of people that I'd like to
hit in the face with a shovel* includes:

Janeane Garofalo

Remember Janeane Garofalo? She was one of those "rising stars to watch" back in the '90's. And if you did watch this rising star, you saw her fizzle out in a rather nondescript fashion. The highlight of her career was probably a Ben Stiller vehicle called Mystery Men, a movie that few people saw and far fewer people could stomach.


Well, Janeane Garofalo appeared on the Keith Olbermann Trainwreck the other night and made the following pronouncements:

• "...any female or person of color in the Republican party is struggling with Stockholm Syndrome."


• "...the type of female that does like Rush (Limbaugh) is the same type of woman that falls in love with prisoners."


• Michael Steele is "the black guy in the Republican party who suffers from Stockholm Syndrome, which means you try and curry favor with the oppressor."

Olbermann agreed that Steele suffers from "self-loathing."

Now, "self-loathing" seems to be an obsessive topic with Garofalo, judging from her imdb biography.I mean, damn... we're talking about a woman who named her production company I Hate Myself Productions.

And this is a woman who had breast reduction surgery "to get people to pay attention to me without mocking me," so self-image problems seem to be a constant in her life. It's not at all surprising to find out that she has fifteen tattoos. And, hey, nothing wrong with tattoos. I have a couple of 'em myself. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, sometimes a tattoo is just a tattoo. And sometimes a self-hating narcissist who's obsessed with her physical appearance becomes addicted to body modification in a transparent attempt to turn herself into someone she can stand to look at.

But, hey, Garofalo's turnip-like countenance is hardly the worst thing she has going for her. We're not talking here about someone who's blessed herself with a lifetime of smart decisions. Continuing at her imdb biography, with the text I've pulled directly from that source in green:

• Was offered the role of Gale Weathers in the movie Scream (1996/I), but turned it down to do the movie Sweethearts (1996). Courteney Cox then got the role and Scream (1996/I) which went on to gross more than $100 million, whereas Sweethearts (1996) went straight to video.
  
  (I'm sure that Sweethearts was a very special film. I'd like to see it and review it. I'll check for a copy next time I'm at Dollar Tree.)


• Was the original choice to play Monica on "Friends" (1994), but turned down the role.
  
  (Monica ... that was Courteney Cox too, right? Maybe this is a trend? The Courteney Cox Success Plan? Just follow around a stupid person, watch what they do, do the opposite.)


• Wrote a book with Ben Stiller: Feel This Book : An Essential Guide to Self-Empowerment, Spiritual Supremacy, and Sexual Satisfaction (1999).
  
  (At the moment you can pick up that indispensable comic tome at half.com for seventy-five cents. But, hey, if you want quality, you gotta spend the big bucks for it. This is, after all, in hardback. {screengrab})


• Married boyfriend Robert Cohen in 1992 at a Las Vegas drive-in chapel as a joke. They had gone to Vegas with the rest of the cast of "The Ben Stiller Show" (1990) and decided to get married along with some of the other crew members. After their relationship ended they never officially got divorced.
  
  (But, jeez ... a quickie marriage on a whim in Vegas? Why bother getting a real divorce? It's not like you'd had a real marriage.)



• Auditioned for the role of Marla Singer in Fight Club (1999).
  
  (Of course, David Fincher gave that role to Helena Bonham Carter. Fincher apparently has this thing about working with actors who can actually act and have talent and junk.)


• Was offered the Dorothy Boyd role in Jerry Maguire (1996) by Cameron Crowe, if she could lose weight, but after trimming down, she learned that Renée Zellweger had won the part instead in what was to become a career-launching smash hit.
  
  (Well, in fairness, Zellweger was able to lose weight and, you know, act. So it was kinda a double-whammy, there. I think of this as Janeane's "Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!" moment.)
  
  (But, then again, maybe her real "Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!" moment was when Christine Taylor, who actually played Marcia in the Brady Bunch movies, stole away Janeane's long-time boyfriend Ben Stiller. D'OH!)
  
  (And they didn't even give Garofalo a role in the Brady Bunch movie, and that sucks because she was just right for Oliver.)


• She has referred to "Saturday Night Live" (1975) as the worst experience in her professional life.
  
  (I'd forgotten that Garofalo was ever on SNL. Ya know, I guess not just anyone can use that program as a stepping stone to move to better things. And Janeane Garofalo just never had the comic chops, the gifts, or the good looks of, say, Chris Farley.)

Now, a patient, empathetic blogger ought to be able to look at Garofalo's history of failures, flops, missed opportunities and disasters and feel some pity for her. A kindhearted blogger ought to view Janeane's recent crappy remarks as nothing more than an indication of the pitiful bitterness and perpetual regret that must haunt her life. Yeah, a blogger with any compassion at all ought to be able to give her the benefit of the doubt.

But I ain't that guy.

Instead, I hereby offer Janeane Garofalo a shovel to the face.

Today, Dan has the honor of standing in for a miserable, washed-up, pretentious, leathery old has-been named Janeane Garofalo:

*Disclaimer: The author doesn't actually wish physical harm upon anyone on this list, although he really doesn't care that he'll be branded a misogynist for placing Garofalo on this list. The author doesn't intend to encourage anyone to actually, physically hit anyone on this list with a shovel. In the event that someone does actually hit anyone on this list with a shovel, the author respectfully insists that the shovel-swinger must not pull some kind of John Hinckley/Jodie Foster deal and say that it was done to impress the author. The author reserves the right, though, to snicker quietly if someone actually does hit someone on this list in the face with a shovel. But I don't want anyone to physically hit Janeane Garofalo. She's been through enough, really, and there's no reason to expect anything more than continuing failures, disappointments and second-bests in her future. She's just done.

Labels: The Shovel List

I don't watch "reality TV." I'm only peripherally aware of the "stars" of those shows due to the internet, friends, etc.

Congratulations, Wife Swap, you've actually turned up a jerk who's even more vacuous, more hateful and a great deal more disgusting than the cast of The Hills.

The list of people that I'd like to
hit in the face with a shovel* includes:

Stephen Fowler

If you have the stomach for it, you can click here and watch this affected scumball mock a friendly, innocent woman in specific ... and America in general.

And you can read more here.

Here's Dan, taking one to the face as a stand-in for a piece of shit known as Stephen Fowler.:

*Disclaimer: The author doesn't actually wish physical harm upon anyone on this list, although I really, honestly would like to physically strike this Stephen Fowler asshole. The author doesn't intend to encourage anyone to actually, physically hit anyone on this list with a shovel. In the event that someone does actually hit anyone on this list with a shovel, the author respectfully insists that the shovel-swinger must not pull some kind of John Hinckley/Jodie Foster deal and say that it was done to impress the author. The author reserves the right, though, to snicker quietly if someone actually does hit someone on this list in the face with a shovel. And to laugh out loud with wild abandon if someone does it to Stephen Fowler.

Labels: The Shovel List

Yeah, I'll stick with this concept. And it sure didn't take long for me to come up with another name for the list:

The list of people that I'd like to
hit in the face with a shovel* includes:

Keith Olbermann

I might actually go around Al gore to get a swat at this guy. He's added to the Shovel List in light of his insistence that Dick Cheney should be "made to desist" from making remarks critical of President Obama.

But, wait ... didn't we hear for eight years how dissent is the highest form of patriotism? And isn't it still censorship when the left advocates for it?

Today Dan stands in for MSNBC's lead asshole:

*Disclaimer: The author doesn't actually wish physical harm upon anyone on this list. The author doesn't intend to encourage anyone to actually, physically hit anyone on this list with a shovel. In the event that someone does actually hit anyone on this list with a shovel, the author respectfully insists that the shovel-swinger must not pull some kind of John Hinckley/Jodie Foster deal and say that it was done to impress the author. The author reserves the right, though, to snicker quietly if someone actually does hit someone on this list in the face with a shovel. Especially Al Gore.

Labels: The Shovel List

This is the start of a new SouthCon feature, something simple, dumb and memorable enough that I might actually keep at it.

I don't have a Bucket List, but I do have a Shovel List. That is, a list of people I'd like to hit in the face with a shovel.

Here's the first installment.

The list of people that I'd like to
hit in the face with a shovel* includes:

• Al Gore



• Jack Black



• Flava Flav



• Seth MacFarlane



• Garth Brooks (For hundreds of good reasons, but this is the most recent... the man, the song, the occasion; it's like over-hype critical mass.)



• James Carvelle



• Michael Stipe



• Al Gore



• Michael Vick (I'd want him to be wearing a dog collar at the time.)



• Spincer Pratt



• Henry Rollins



• Harry Reid



• Robin Williams



• Any teacher who was "inspired" to pursue teaching because of Dead Poet's Society



• That Daily Kos asshole



• Allen Iverson



• Al Gore (Really, I'd trade everyone else off the list for one swat at this douchebag.)



• Shepard Fairey



• The guy who sold John Belushi that final, fatal fix



• John Belushi



• Barbra Streisand (I'm no sexist, she has earned her place on this list, just like all the men listed here.)



• Jeramiah Wright



• Patton Oswalt (he's not funny, but I bet his nose bleeds funny.)



• Whoever canceled Strangers With Candy



• David Cross (Yeah, Arrested Development was a great show, but this guy is a total waste of oxygen.)



• "Senator" Al Franken



• Kanye West



• Al Gore (Can't you just hear the satisfying KRRRNGGG! as shovel contacts smug?)



• Al Gore



• Chad Kroeger (Even without his godawful music ... just look at the son of a bitch and see if you don't start twitching for a shovel.)



• Al Gore

This list, I'm sure, will grow. It will grow as surely as my venomous, childish spite toward a world I can't control grows every day. Stay tuned for more fun!

In closing, "Dan" stands in for everyone on the list. Especially Al gore.

*Disclaimer: The author doesn't actually wish physical harm upon anyone on this list. The author doesn't intend to encourage anyone to actually, physically hit anyone on this list with a shovel. In the event that someone does actually hit anyone on this list with a shovel, the author respectfully insists that the shovel-swinger must not pull some kind of John Hinckley/Jodie Foster deal and say that it was done to impress the author. The author reserves the right, though, to snicker quietly if someone actually does hit someone on this list in the face with a shovel. Especially Al Gore.

Labels: The Shovel List