An hour and twelve minutes of live Metallica, recorded a couple of weeks ago. Includes half of the new album. Five bucks, man. Five measly bucks. And it sounds great. That's less than the price of lunch at Burger King. What are you waiting for? Go DOWNLOAD IT now!!

Labels: Links, Metallica, Music

It turns out that MCF was right. Every song really is better with more cowbell:

(MoreCowbell.dj is easily the greatest invention of the past five thousand years.)

And B13 is right, too. Virtually vandalizing walls is fun:

And if you thought I'd figure out a way to work Metallica references into both of those items ... well, damned if you weren't right, too.

Labels: Blogs, Links, Metallica, Trivial Matters

I'm still celebrating the release of the first outstanding Metallica album in almost two decades.

I've been exchanging e-mails with a few friends about the new album, and we got on the topic of how to rank each Metallica album from best to least. I decided to post my list here for the heck of it.

But first, a list of qualities that qualify me to make such a list:

• I'm soooo metal.


• I've seen Metallica live somewhere between three and five times.


• I have a big-ass Metallica collection, representing 26 years of the band's history.


• I've been a fan of the band's for twenty-two or twenty-three years.


• Really, I'm very, very metal.


• I once saw the Cult open for Metallica and I was close enough to the stage that when the Cult's guitarist came over and started shaking his head around, some of his sweat flew onto me. I didn't protest very loudly.

And so, in order to satisfy the clamoring* for my official ranking of Metallica's albums, here's the list:

The Official SouthCon Metallica Album Ranking

• 01: Master of Puppets. The best album they've done. I got it when it was new, mostly to shut up a friend who kept telling me that, really, he was certain that I'd absolutely LOVE it. My friend was right. I'll never forget the first time through this album. Eye's wide, mouth hung open, stomach clinched, thinking "Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God..."
  
  You know those moments when you realize that your taste in music has been changed forever?



• 02: The self-titled Black Album. A grower, not a shower. I didn't know what to make of this album at first, it seemed like a major departure. Now I consider it essential listening. This may be the band's best written album. It's tight, it's solid all the way through, it endures.



• 03: Kill 'Em All. Indispensable, if only because of how well these early songs still go over live. Can you imagine a Metallica show without Seek And Destroy or No Remorse or at least Whiplash?



• 04: Death Magnetic. It's that good. Not yet two weeks old and this one already deserves a high ranking. This is the album hardcore Metallica fans had been hoping and praying for for a long time.



• 05: Load. This is the one I always catch hell about, but I think it's a solid album. It deserves to be ranked this high. Well written, well performed, well produced, only about three clunkers in the set. And I don't mind that it isn't really a "metal" album. Every good band is going to have it's "experimental" period if they last long enough. This album was the highlight of Metallica's experimenting.



• 06: Ride The Lightning. Production quality holds this one back, plus two of Metallica's most boring songs, Trapped Under Ice and Escape. I haven't sat all the way through those two songs in years. But there are some classics on here, and Creeping Death, the title track and For Whom The Bell Tolls are genre staples.



• 07: ...And Justice For All. Production value is a big problem with this album. Most of the songs are too long, too, and some are too repetitive. I suspect that, at this point, Metallica was just doing long songs because they thought their fans expected it. That's why they shortened the songs on the next album, their Black Album. They just did what felt right and said to hell with expectations. I've heard them say that very thing about the Black Album.



• 08: St. Anger. In spite of the genuinely downright bad production and the absence of solos, this is still a set of well written songs. And there is a tremendous energy on the album. Had Bob Rock not sabotaged the band, this would be higher on the list. Songs like Sweet Amber, Dirty Window and The Unnamed Feeling show the band in top song-writing form. Hetfield's vocals are the best element of the album.



• 09: Reload. A group of meandering, mostly unimpressive songs. Standout tracks, the only ones worth listening to, include The Unforgiven II (I catch hell for liking that song, too, but I think it's the best on the album), Fixxxer, The Memory Remains and Bad Seed. Everything else is filler. This should have been an EP.



• 10: The disc of new recordings from the Garage, Inc set. Yeah, I'm mostly including it here to get an even ten albums, and it's totally forgettable. The cover of Sabbra Cadabra and the cover of Blue Oyster Cult's Astronomy are decent, but not worthy of anything more than b-sides. This "album" was totally phoned in.

* ... Note: Author apparently has no idea what the word "clamoring" means.

Labels: Metallica, Music

A Backward-Looking History Of Metallica

2008

Event: Release of album Death Magnetic.

After some sixteen months of internet hype and speculation, Metallica releases Rick Ruben produced ninth studio album through Warner Brothers Records.

How this is proof that Metallica has sold out: After years of lackluster experiments with other sounds and song styles, the band returns to their thrash metal roots in an obvious attempt to sell records. Long time fans proclaim that the band is "no longer relevant."

2004

Event: Film Metallica: Some Kind Of Monster documents the recording of Metallica's most current album.

Documentary reveals the inner conflicts of a band in turmoil. Key scenes involve the band's group therapist inviting himself to become a "fifth member" of the band and guitarist Kirk Hammett surfing. Guitarist/singer James Hetfield and drummer Lars Ulrich spend most of the movie shrieking at one another.

Several scenes reveal producer Bob Rock's attempts to get the feuding members of Metallica to quit having slap fights long enough to record a few tracks. Film also documents hiring of veteran bass player and all-around badass guy, Robert Trujillo.

How this is proof that Metallica has sold out: The movie reveals the band to be a bunch of spoiled, rich cry-babies. Long time fans proclaim that the band is "no longer relevant."

2003

Event: Album St. Anger is released with bonus DVD and coupon to download free audio from four concerts.

The angry, disjointed, noisy sessions during which St. Anger was recorded result in an angry, disjointed, noisy album. Listeners aren't sure why producer Bob Rock decided to create a "Fisher Price" drum sound. Lack of guitar solos and "low-fi" sound quality give the album an ill-timed, ill-conceived "grunge" feel. Rock's tenure as Metallica's producer comes to disappointing, inevitable close.

How this is proof that Metallica has sold out: The album indicates that at this point, Bob Rock is totally in control of the band. Fans worry that next album will feature Metallica simply as a backing band while Rock croons Aerosmith covers. Or perhaps they'll do a ska record. Long time fans proclaim that the band is "no longer relevant."

2001

Event: Bassist Jason Newstead leaves the band, frustrated that founders Hetfield and Ulrich won't allow him work on side-projects during his free time.

All your bass are belong to us.

How this is proof that Metallica has sold out: Newstead's departure indicates that even the members of Metallica can't stand the members of Metallica. Long time fans proclaim that the band is "no longer relevant."

2000

Event: Napster uproar.

After an incomplete demo of the song I Disappear turns up on the internet, Metallica sues file sharing services for enabling copyright infringement.

How this is proof that Metallica has sold out: Metallica doesn't understand the internet. Now that they're rich and lazy they want to squeeze their fans for every nickel and dime. Rumor spread that Lars has been drumming in an ascot and monocle. Long time fans proclaim that the band is "no longer relevant."

1999

Event: Release of S&M two-disc set.

Metallica records renditions of their songs supported by the San Francisco Symphony and composer/conductor Michael Kamen. During the performance, Hetfield refers to the song Of Wolf And Man as Of Wolfgang And Man, a reference to Mozart. Really. I didn't make that stupid crap up.

How this is proof that Metallica has sold out: And, oh, how they danced; the little children of Stonehenge. Long time fans proclaim that the band is "no longer relevant."

1998

Event: Double-disc collection Garage, Inc includes a disc of newly recorded covers and some older material that had previously been released as b-sides and on EPs.

Many fans perplexed by some of the material found on the disc of new songs, including covers of originals by Nick Cave, Bob Seger and Thin Lizzy.

The band releases a video for the song Turn The Page featuring porno actress Ginger Lynn. Seriously, that's who that was in the video.

Guest musicians on the Lynyrd Skynyrd cover Tuesday's Gone include Pepper Keenan (Corrosion Of Conformity), Jerry Cantrell and Sean Kinney (Alice In Chains), Jim Martin (Faith No More), John Popper (Blues Traveler), Gary Rossington (Lynyrd Skynyrd), Les Claypool (Primus), Ja-Rule (Murder, Inc), Natasha Bedingfield (Featuring Sean Kingston), Gwen Stefani (No Doubt), Missy ("Misdemeanor") Elliott, Cirque du Soleil, Billy Bob Thornton, The San Francisco Symphony and composer/conductor Michael Kamen.

How this is proof that Metallica has sold out: The band is trying to re-sell old material that their fans have already bought once. To make the set more "attractive" to potential buyers it includes a disc of hastily recorded covers. Long time fans proclaim that the band is "no longer relevant."

1997

Event: Album Reload released to non-clamoring fans.

Ulrich tells fans that Reload is conceptually the second disc of a double album, along with the previous release, Load.

Fans respond that Reload is conceptually a piece of shit.

How this is proof that Metallica has sold out: The album features guest vocals by 60's icon Maryanne Faithful, who appears to be singing with her throat slit. Single Fuel adopted by NASCAR for theme song in TV broadcasts. Long time fans proclaim that the band is "no longer relevant."

1996

Event: Five years of recording silence is broken with the release of album Load.

Long absent band returns with new non-metal album, short hair, eye-liner. Promotes album on Lollapalooza tour.

How this is proof that Metallica has sold out: Long absent band returns with new non-metal album, short hair, eye-liner. Promotes album on Lollapalooza tour. Long time fans proclaim that the band is "no longer relevant."

1992

Event: Jump in the fire.

Metallica tours with Guns N' Roses. Axl Rose makes headlines during the tour by exciting riots and engaging fans in fights. Not to be outdone, Hetfield climaxes Metallica's August 8th show by setting himself on fire. Gene Simmons, Alice Cooper and Screamin' Jay Hawkins simultaniously say "Damn."

Band claims that Hetfield's injuries were the result of a pyro effect gone wrong. Hard rock band Great White notes incident, vowing to never misuse pyrotechnics.

How this is proof that Metallica has sold out: Footage of Hetfield's self-immolation is not included in the concert videos that accompany the Live Shit: Binge And Purge box set. Disappointed fans get second mortgages to buy box-set only to sit crestfallen in front of their TVs without ever seeing the singer burst into flame. Long time fans proclaim that the band is "no longer relevant."

1991

Event: Self-titled Black Album released, sells seventy million zillion bajillion copies.

Metallica gets first taste of genuine cross-format commercial success with huge hits Enter Sandman and The Unforgiven.

How this is proof that Metallica has sold out: Most songs on the album are under fifteen minutes long. Some songs are based around two or fewer riffs. Album marks band's first collaboration with Bob Rock, producer noted for working on albums by Motley Crue, David Lee Roth and Bon Jovi. Ballad Nothing Else Matters suitable for playing over a boom box under your girlfriend's window. Metallica produces videos for seventeen of the album's twelve songs. Long time fans proclaim that the band is "no longer relevant."

1988

Event: Album ...And Justice For All released.

Album features new bass player Jason Newstead, who replaced the late, great Cliff Burton. New guy goes on to be Metallica's longest running bass player to date, staying in the band roughly fifteen years.

Album features muted "wow-wow" bass sound that leads fans to wonder if Newstead is actually on the album. Long-time producer Flemming Rasmussen never works with the band again.

How this is proof that Metallica has sold out: Band produces their first MTV-ready video for the song One. Video features such 80's MTV staples as Tawnie Kitaen dancing on top of luxury cars, caged go-go girls in skimpy bikinis, a blind, deaf, mute, limbless man writhing in pain, and actor Jason Robards talking about war. Long time fans proclaim that the band is "no longer relevant."

1986

Event: Major-label debut and undisputed greatest metal album of all time, Master Of Puppets, ships to record stores and malls across America.

Early copies of the album have a sticker on the front that reads ""The only track you probably won't want to play is "Damage, Inc." due to the multiple use of the infamous "F" word. otherwise, there aren't any "Shits," "Fucks," "Pisses," "Sucks," "Cunts," "Motherfuckers," or "Cocksuckers" anywhere on this record".

Really.

Fifty million teenage boys hear the album, say all of the curse words listed on the sticker in agog amazement, and run out and form bands. Metallica supports album with tour opening for Ozzy Osbourne.

How this is proof that Metallica has sold out: Band reveals obvious desire to move a lot of units by signing contract to release albums for major label Elektra Records. Long time fans proclaim that the band is "no longer relevant."

1984

Event: Band's second album, Ride The Lightning, creates major buzz.

Album features metal classic Creeping Death, the band's most consistent show-opener.

How this is proof that Metallica has sold out: Metallica's first "power ballad," Fade To Black, closes side one of the album. The song, an angry screed about suicide, features lyrics such as "Deathly lost, this cant be real / Cannot stand this hell I feel." This is an obvious attempt to score with chicks because they dig that sort of junk. Long time fans proclaim that the band is "no longer relevant."

1983

Event: Metallica releases debut album, Kill 'em All on independent label Megaforce Records.

Band begins cycle of perpetual touring, drinking, fighting and recording long songs full of a zillion riffs.

How this is proof that Metallica has sold out: In an obvious play for commercial viability, band fires original guitarist Dave Mustaine before recording, simply because he's always too drunk to play his instrument. Replaced by guitarist Kirk Hammett, Mustaine goes on to form his own successful and popular metal band, Winger. Metallica relents on original goal of naming the album Metal Up Your Ass so that record stores will stock it, hoping to sell lots of copies. Long time fans proclaim that the band is "no longer relevant."

1981

Event: James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich form a band, Metallica, and look for friends to flesh out the line-up.

Band members take turns hosting "jam sessions" in each other's parents' basements.

How this is proof that Metallica has sold out: Lars Ulrich has admitted that he stole the name "Metallica" from a fellow high school student who showed him a list of possible "cool band names." Fellow high school student proclaims that Lars is "a Danish asshole."

Note about the above time line:

Some of that crap I made up. But the stuff that I insisted was for real really was for real.

I can't imagine my life without Metallica. God bless ya, guys.

Mustaine is awesome. Winger rules.

Labels: Humor, Metallica, Music

You may have heard that the new Metallica album leaked to the net last night, and that the band is basically fine with that. Lars says

"Listen, we're ten days from release ... If this thing leaks all over the world today or tomorrow, happy days. Happy days. Trust me ... Everybody's happy. It's 2008 and it's part of how it is these days, so it's fine. We're happy."

Spoken like a guy who gets it. It wasn't too long ago that Metallica's attitude about music on the internet was ... uh ... "You can do it your own way, if it's done just how I say."

I don't mind admitting that I've been been desperately searching for a leaked copy of this album for more than a month now. So I was in the right place at the right time when a blogger who shall remain nameless posted a link last night at about 10:00 PM Eastern.

For the record, I have every intention of buying the new album on CD when it hits the stores on September 12th. But I've been a rabid Metallica fan since the '80's and I just could not wait to hear it.

I've listened to Death Magnetic about four times now. I'm so happy with it that I'm surprised that I can do anything other than roll around in the floor, kick my feet in the air, and giggle.

As of now, the self-indulgent, meandering, artsy-fartsy Metallica that made Load, Reload and St. Anger seems to be gone.

I'm glad to be able to report that, instead, the self-indulgent, meandering, artsy-fartsy Metallica that made the band's ground-breaking first four albums is back. In a big, loud way. And it's music to my ears.

2003's St. Anger was supposed to be a return to the band's thrash metal roots after several years spent experimenting with everything from alt-prog rock to faux celtic dirges to haughty, orchestral crap. But St. Anger was produced by a band in crisis, as the 2004 documentary Some Kind Of Monster revealed. Instead of re-embracing their origins, St. Anger seemed to be the sound of a band grasping aimlessly.

The combination of sobriety, group therapy, and the chops of outstanding new bass player Robert Trujillo seems to have seriously re-energized this band. In spite of it's morose title, Death Magnetic is the product of a band experiencing rebirth.

Death is a topic that pervades the album's lyrics; but there's nothing macabre here. These aren't songs that glorify death, the way a band made up of late-teens might if they were trying to come off like bad asses. If the members of Metallica are showing their (pushing 50) age at all, it's in the lyrical maturity and introspection offered here. These songs reflect on death not as a subject of fascination but as an ultimatum ... an inspiration to squeeze every damn drop of life out of every day you spend breathing. Death is magnetic ... it draws us all. But get the polarity right and you can push like hell back against it. That's the dynamic in these songs.

And, musically, this is the Metallica that those of us who've followed the band for 20 plus years know and love. The songs are long, heavy as anything, and full of freight-train riffs and jack-knife time changes. There's even a full-on metal instrumental in the tradition of Orion and To Live Is To Die. Only one song, the unfortunately titled Unforgiven III, slows the tempo significantly. That's probably my least favorite song on the album. But I gotta admit, Kirk Hammett's guitar solo in that song is one of the best on the album. I don't see me skipping this song when I listen to this disc. It'll grow on me, I'm sure.

Rejoice, Metallica fans. This is the album we've wanted for years. It belongs on the top shelf, with Master Of Puppets (their best album ever) and 91's watershed Black Album.

2008 is the year of Death Magnetic. No others need apply.

---

PS - a note to the 20 year old snotnose punks who'll find this review through Google and stop by to leave poorly worded, misspelled, idiotic, belligerent comments: Shut up, boy. I was listening to this band in specific and METAL in general before you were even born. I really don't care what you have to say and I'll just delete your comments as soon as I see them. Move along, Junior. I'm sure your friends are waiting for you in World Of Warcraft.

Labels: Metallica, Music, News

Click here now!

This one reminds me of Through The Never and a bit of Whiplash.

I do kinda wish they hadn't posted this particular song. This one is the album-closer, according to the track listing at Wikipedia. I feel like I've heard it out of context.

I'm going nuts over these new songs. I've looked everywhere for a leaked copy of the album with no luck. Don't worry, Lars is going to get his money, I'm gonna buy the album on September 12. I'd just like to be able to actually listen to the damn thing now.

I've seen all kinds of sources for .zip and .rar files that are said to contain Death Magnetic, but they're all frauds.

PS - A note to 22 year old self-proclaimed "metal experts." I was literally listening to Metallica when you were still pooping in your pampers. You can't teach me a damn thing about what is or is not authentic Metallica. So shut up.

Labels: Links, Metallica, Music

The first single from Death Magnetic, called The Day That Never Comes, is AWESOME!!

This clip is not a proper "video," just the single's cover art and the song. And that's all you need.

The first three, three-and-a-half minutes is just build-up. Once the song really gets going it kicks ass ... and everything between the five-minute mark and the end of the song is just pure Metallica in the best sense of the word. Man, it's good to hear Kurt shredding again.

Update: I've listened to the song four or five times now and I friggin' LOVE it. I can't get over how much it lives up to my hopes. It reminds me of One, what with it's mellow, ballady beginning and it's insane riffing at the end. If this is any indication of what the album is going to be like, I can't wait to pony up my twelve bucks to buy it next month. Lars, James, Robert, Kirk ... looks like you guys finally did right by your fans. Now, why didn't you do this in '91 to begin with and save us seventeen years of heartache? But enough bitchin'. Metallica is back. Long may they reign.

Update 2: Click here to hear short clips of several songs from the album. I'm downright giddy about this. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about an upcoming album.

Labels: Metallica, Music, You Tube

The first song that most of us have been able to hear in it's entirety from the new Metallica album:

It didn't grab me the first time I listened to it last night. It just kinda went in one ear and out the other.

But I listened again today, and maybe the key was that I listened rather than watched. I minimized the browser window and didn't look at the YouTube clip, I just listened to the song. The second time through I enjoyed it more. I wouldn't say I "loved" it, but I did enjoy it, and it might grow on me. I'm still super excited to hear the whole album.

Labels: Metallica, Music, You Tube

My hopes are high for the new Metallica ... and part of me thinks that I'm setting myself up for a major let-down.

Then I see stuff like this clip of the band working on one of the songs and I just get flat-out giddy:

Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please ... let them have just one more good album in them.

Labels: Metallica, Music, You Tube

I feel like blogging, but I don't feel like writing anything about bladder cancer. I'm friggin' SICK of writing about bladder cancer. So I'm going to borrow a page from MCF and answer the questions from the famous Proust Questionnaire:

• 1) What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
  
  If I were to answer this question seriously, I'd say the most miserable thing in the world is the loss of a child. But if I were to answer the question sarcastically, I'd say ... oh, screw it. After bringing up the loss of a child, who can be sarcastic?



• 2) Where would you like to live?
  
  Where I live now. Well, in this state and in this county ... but maybe somewhere more rural.



• 3) What is your idea of earthly happiness?
  
  Spending the day at Busch Gardens Williamsburg with my family.



• 4) To which faults do you feel most indulgent?
  
  Ah, damn. I indulge in a LOT of faults. I'll say I'm most guilty of indulging in compulsive behavior. Anything that can be done compulsively ... smoking, eating, drinking ... I've either done it in the past or still do it today.



• 5) Who is/are your favorite hero/heroes of fiction?
  
  OK, let's see, there's Sam Fisher, Spider-Man, Batman, etc, etc, etc.
  
  
• 6) Who are your favorite characters in history?
  
  You know, that really is an odd way to phrase it: "Characters in history." Nonetheless, my list of mortal heroes from real life would have to include St. Peter, Ronald Reagan, Thomas Sowell, Johnny Cash and Ray Charles.
  
  
• 7) Who are your favorite heroines in real life?
  
  OK, uh ... My mom, St. Dymphna, Loretta Lynn, and of course Mary, Mother of God.




• 8) Who is/are your favorite heroines of fiction?
  
  Holy crap! I never think about some of these things. If I gotta come up with something, I'm saying Flo from the Progressive Insurance commercials. "Surprise! Let's bag these up."



• 9) Your favorite painters?
  
  Damn. I don't have any favorite painters. I'll say The Red House Painters are my favorite painters.



• 10) Your favorite composers or musicians?
  
  Well, Gov't Mule, Pink Floyd, Tool, Tony Rice, Marvin Gaye, Metallica, Frank Zappa, Merle Haggard, Phish, and the artists I listed above.



• 11) What qualities do you most value in a man?
  
  Holy crap, I never even THOUGHT about this. I'll say that what I want in a man is someone who's tall, dark and handsome who'll hold me when I cry.



• 12) What qualities do you most value in a woman?
  
  Honesty, accountability, reliability, virtue, reason, reverence, and big, big boobies.



• 13) Your favorite virtue?
  
  Kindness.
  
  
• 14) Your favorite occupation?
  
  I worked in radio for eight years and had a great time. I didn't make any money, but I had a lot of fun.



• 15) Who would you like to be?
  
  Me, but cancer-free. DOH! I was gonna go without mentioning cancer in this post.



• 16) Your most marked characteristic?
  
  I'm inclined to say sarcasm.



• 17) What do you most value in your friends?
  
  Like MCF, I'd say that I value friends who have shared interests and a similar sense of humor. And who're capable of having actual conversations. And who have big, big boobies.



• 18) What is your principle defect?
  
  Selfishness. It's at the root of everything I do wrong.



• 19) What is your favorite color?
  
  Black. I guess. I never think about it.



• 20) What is your favorite flower?
  
  For real? Geez. Uh ... the ones I don't have to mow around.




• 21) What is your favorite bird?
  
  My favorite bird would be the one Johnny Cash flipped in that famous picture taken during his concert at San Quentin.



• 22) Who are your favorite prose writers?
  
  C.S. Lewis. Thomas Sowell. Elmore Leonard. Chuck Palahniuk. And a number of other writers, all of whom I'm too lazy to code links for.



• 23) Who are your favorite poets?
  
  Dammit, maybe I shouldn't have done this questionnaire. I don't have any favorite poets. I do have favorite lyricists, though ... so I'll say Bono, Merle Haggard, Frank Zappa, John Mellencamp, and Glen Phillips.
  
  
• 24) What are your favorite names?
  
  Does this mean names of mine? I have two informal nicknames, Flounder and Derail. I'll answer to either of them as readily as to the name my mother gave me.



• 25) What is it you most dislike?
  
  People who don't take the time to learn about the issues but still voice their opinion loudly. Childishness. People who won't act their age.



• 26) What historical figures do you most despise?
  
  Well, the obvious ones; Osama bin Ladin, Hitler, etc. But also the Clintons, Margaret Sanger, Richard Dawkins.
  
  
• 27) What event in military history do you most admire?
  
  Operation Overlord.
  
  
• 28) What reform do you most admire?
  
  Well, I was glad when Vernon Reed reformed Living Colour.



• 29) What natural gift would you most like to possess?
  
  I'd like to have the strength of a thousand men. And be able to fly. And shoot lasers out of my butt. Do those qualify as natural gifts?



• 30) How would you like to die?
  
  Well, I came into this world naked, bloody and screaming ... and as long as I don't go out that way, I'll be happy.



• 31) What is your present state of mind?
  
  Distracted and kinda bored



• 32) What is your motto?
  
  "Death to Smoochie."

Labels: Blogs, Gov't Mule, Johnny Cash, Metallica, Personal, Trivial Matters

So the number of people in our family who own musical instruments that they can't (yet) actually play is now three.

I have an acoustic guitar. It sits in a corner in our bedroom and mocks me. Every time I walk past it it quietly snickers and occasionally whispers "Psssst! Hey! When was the last time you actually picked me up? You might as well have bought a rocket launcher the day you bought me."

My son owns an electric guitar, and to his credit, he does take lessons. I have to wonder, though, if he originally wanted a guitar because of a deep drive to create music or because of another time-honored reason: chicks dig guys who play guitar.

Today Liam became the first person in our family to pursue a future as a bass player. He started talking about wanting to get a bass guitar quite a while ago, but Wendy and I quietly discouraged him. We were afraid that he thought that playing bass would be as easy as playing Guitar Hero, a video game he's actually very good at.

But Liam persisted, and made up his mind that if we wouldn't buy him a bass, he'd by-God buy one himself. So for months every dollar he received from the Tooth Fairy or for a birthday or a holiday, whatever, went into Liam's bass fund. And whattaya know if he didn't eventually save enough money to buy himself a bass. Fed Ex brought it today and he spent some of the evening studiously watching the included instructional DVD and plucking away.

That bass is bigger than he is. But he seems pretty serious about it. Good for him.

Liam got me thinking about bass guitar today, how much I enjoy good bass guitar and how important a good bass player can be in a band. So I did what bloggers everywhere do when confronted with such a topic. I made a top-ten list and even put together a YouTube video.

You can watch it here, a two and a half minute tribute to my ten favorite kings of the bottom end:

Just a bit of explanation ... here's how these ten guys ended up on my list:

• 10: Steve Harris
  Steve was the first bass player I ever really noticed. Iron Maiden was my favorite band when I was 14, and like many other 14 year olds, I was initially drawn to my favorite band due to their gnarly lyrics and cool guitar solos. But one day I realized that Steve's galloping bass lines were a big part of the reason that Iron Maiden was so cool.



• 09: Roger Waters
  He's probably best known as the primary song-writer and lyricist in Pink Floyd, but Roger's bass playing was a big part of what made up the Pink Floyd sound. Roger's bass sound was thick, though rarely in the forefront of their music. And the more you listen to Pink Floyd, the more you find to enjoy about his playing.



• 08: John Paul Jones
  Drummer John Bonham and bass player/keyboard player John Paul Jones were (in my opinion) the best part of Led Zeppelin. I know that Robert Plant's singing and Jimmy Page's guitar work are the things that most Zeppelin fans talk about, but what keeps me coming back is the drums and bass.



• 07: Doug Wimbish
  Doug wasn't the original bass player in Living Colour, but I think he was the band's best. His work on the album Stain just blows my mind.



• 06: Robert Trujillo
  Fans of Infectious Grooves, Suicidal Tendencies and Ozzy Osbourne were well aware of Robert Trujillo's talents long before he joined Metallica. I remember thinking that he'd be my dream-pick to replace bassist Jason Newstead when Newstead left Metallica. I was thrilled when he got the job, although it remains to be seen if my hypothesis was correct. That hypothesis being that Trujillo's stellar musicianship would force the rest of Metallica to step up a notch.



• 05: Mike Gordon
  For a long time I resisted Phish's music because I find the band's fans so repellent. But I was only able to hold off for so long, thanks to the great musicians in the band. Trey Anastasio (guitar) and Page McConnell (keys) are awesome, and they usually distract me from paying attention to Mike Gordon's bass. But when I do pay attention, Gordon always impresses me. It was probably Mike's incredible groove on the song Weekapaug Groove that got me into Phish in the first place.



• 04: Allen Woody
  The late, great Woody was a big part of Gov't Mule's original sound. The band has carried on without him since he passed away in 2000, but Woody's presence is still a big part of the band. His bass lines in songs like Thorazine Shuffle and Rocking Horse are some of the first things that really hooked me and turned me into a rabid Gov't Mule fan.



• 03: Simon Gallup
  I think that Simon is the only member of the Cure (besides founder and front man Robert Smith)who's been in every incarnation of the band. But I'm not sure, to be honest. The Cure has had so many line-up changes that it's hard to keep track. During the Cure's early days, when the band was a three-piece, Simon's bass playing was a defining part of their sound. In fact, the best thing about some of those early albums (see Faith) is Gallup's bass playing.



• 02: Adam Clayton
  I can't imagine U2 without Adam Clayton's moody, melodic, haunting bass sound. Now, granted, Bono and The Edge are the keys to what makes U2 such a good band. I won't deny that. But Adam Clayton's bass playing is always outstanding. His bass parts are tasteful, understated, never showy ... but they're often the best part of any given U2 song. Can you imagine With Or Without You without Clayton's mournful rumble giving the song all of it's weight?



• 01: Vic Wooten
  Wooten is godlike. He's amazing. He can do anything with a bass guitar. ANYTHING. His regular gig is the bass player in the Flecktones, but Vic has played with a great many other bands and he's done solo-work, too. I hadn't heard of him eight or nine years ago when Wendy first mentioned him to me, and she encouraged me to check out his bass-solo take on the hymn Amazing Grace. I couldn't believe how beautiful it was when I heard it. Since then Wooten has totally won me over with his versatility and virtuosity. He can do it all; funk, rock, jazz ... Vic Wooten could make a bass guitar stand up and go outside and wash his car if he wanted to.

So there's my list. Keep in mind that it's just a list of MY favorite bass players. And I know that bass fans everywhere could look at my list and take offense. I've left off legendary players like Charles Mingus, Flea, Stanley Clarke, Les Claypool, Sting, Phil Lesh, John Entwhistle, Roger Glover, and Geddy Lee. I'm not trying to knock those guys. There's nothing wrong with any of 'em and they're all good at what they do. But the ten guys listed above; well, that's my list.

Labels: Entertainment, Gov't Mule, Metallica, Music, You Tube

• What's Up With Hillary Clinton's apology extravaganza?
  
  Hillary Clinton isn't known for apologizing for anything ... so I suppose that her current whirlwind apology tour is a sign of just how desperate she is to hold on to whatever chance she might have of being the Democratic Party's nominee in November. Hilary has apologized for remarks made by Geraldine Ferraro and then apologized for remarks her husband made in South Carolina. She'd do well to apologize for her husband's hideously irresponsible eight years in the White House, but I don't see that happening.
  
  Look, I'm no fan of Hillary Clinton. I've made that clear. But the more I learn about Barack Obama, the more I realize that I was foolish to think of him as a slightly better choice than Hillary. I guess here's where I stand on the two of them now: We're going to have to deal with Obama as a presidential contender at some point. There's no getting around it. The guy has a huge fanbase among the many, many people who don't really understand anything, and it's probably enough to get him elected. So I hope he goes ahead and gets the nomination and effectively ends the Clinton-era of national politics forever. I hope he doesn't win the Presidency, but I really think he's going to be President eventually, so maybe the sooner we get his term in office over with, the better.



• What's up with the upcoming Metallica album?
  
  The band has been pushing the release of this album further and further back, and now it's tentatively scheduled for release in September. Metallica doesn't have a title for the album yet. I call it Chinese Democracy 2 because I'm starting to doubt that it actually exists. And I'm kinda dreading it's release. I can't wait to hear it, I'll get it the day it comes out, and I'm sure I'll be totally disappointed in it for one reason or another. I've said before that for the past few years I've come to feel like Metallica's battered wife. They mistreat me, they never live up to their promises, but I stick with them because they used to be soooooo good to me! If you could only see what they're like when nobody else is around! Really, they're not who you think they are. Besides, we've been in therapy.



• What's up with Eliot Spitzer's call-girl?
  
  Hey, not for nothing, but the girl really isn't all that hot. And I wouldn't make mention of it, except that in her role as a call-girl I'd say that her looks were entirely relevant. It's not that she was ugly, it's just that she kinda reminds me of a poor man's Daisy Fuentes. And that can't have been worth it. If I'm the Governor of New York and I'm gonna risk losing everything and spend ... what was it? $5,000? On one night with a call-girl? Come on. She's gonna look a whole hell of a lot like Rhianna or Katharine McPhee and not a little bit like some washed-up former VJ from the '80's. (Preferably Rhianna ... 'cause ... damn.) This is gonna have to be a memory that'll last a life-time for my five-large. You know what I'm sayin'?



• What's up with the fruity-looking new five-dollar bill?
  
  OK, call me old-fashioned. Call me a troglodyte. (Please ... I like being called names.) Call me a curmudgeon .... but I like my five-dollar bills the way they were when I was a kid. Ugly. Green and wrinkled and marked with that simple, thumb-sized picture of Abe Lincoln's ugly mug.
  
  Ever since the government started messing with the money ten or twelve years ago I've had this vague feeling that we're all walking around with wallets full of pretend currency. And the newest version of the five dollar bill is the worst offender yet. It has purple on it. PURPLE! What is that all about? Can we please go back to real money and come up with a better way to discourage counterfeiting? Like maybe the weekly televised beating of counterfeiters. I personally would volunteer to beat a counterfeiter with a rake for ten minutes every week. Or maybe we just catch them and force them to wear purple.
  
  You know, if we all did our parts, we could probably get the government to go back to printing real money. Call or write to your congressman now and say "Yes! I'll beat a counterfeiter with a rake!" Tell them Darrell at SouthCon sent you.



• What's up with Edward Norton and Marvel?
  
  The promotion of ... and possibly the release of ... the upcoming Incredible Hulk movie is being pushed back because of Edward Norton feuding with Marvel over the final cut of the movie. Partly, I blame Marvel. Norton has had a reputation as a real S.O.B. for years ... and as the old Indian story goes, they knew he was a snake when they picked him up. (I'm assuming that Somebody at Marvel had final approval of the cast.) Either way, Norton is a brilliant actor when he gets it right, but Keeping The Faith indicated that, behind the camera, he ain't no Stanley Kubrick. My two cents: Norton needs to shut up and back out. He's done his job, now let those who handle the movie from here do their jobs.



• What's up with black political figures throwing the n-word around?
  
  Two recent instances, one right after the other, really jarred me. One instance involved Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who's being investigated for corruption and lying under oath. Now, to fend off the charges against him, Mayor Kilpatrick has dropped the N-Bomb and started talking about lynch mobs:
  

  
  Woah! Hey, hold on there a minute, pal! Who's been launching racist attacks on your family? Should't those people be prosecuted for making threats and/or for harassment? And what's that got to do with the charges against you, Mayor Kilpatrick?
  
  And then, right on the heels of that, there's this from Barack Obama's minister:
  

  Hey, wait, woah, WHAT?
  
  If I started listing things that are wrong with that I'd have to write for another three hours. And that's only the beginning of Rev. Jeremiah Wright's recent wacky remarks. And, make no mistake, this guy is an official member of Obama's campaign.
  
  Let me specifically mention the use of the n-word by these guys. Can we just stop with that? Please? For ages and ages that word was used by arrogant, ignorant white people as a way to keep black people down. Now we're having instances of certain black guys throwing that word up as a way to shut up scaredy-cat whites, to avoid the real issues, and to cancel all debate. What good does that do? Who benefits from that? Can we please grow the f*&# up, maybe? It's 2008, fer Pete's sake. When white-on-black racism is the actual topic, let's deal with it. But let's not use it as a way to avoid dealing with anything else. Not for nothin', but too many good, honest black people have really been victimized by racists for their struggles to be trivialized as a political bargaining chip.




• What's up with Spitball Politics?
  
  Well, I'll tell ya what's up with it. Spitball Politics is a new political blog that features the writing of (among others) Scott, the Spiritual Tramp in my blogroll. Stop by, check 'em out, leave a comment or two.

Labels: Entertainment, Media, Metallica, Movies, Music, News, Politics, Trivial Matters, You Tube

I never actually set out to find pictures of notable tattoos, but somehow I end up coming across pics like this on a regular basis.

Here's what happened tonight, if you're interested: I was looking up the latest info on Metallica's upcoming Rick-Rubin-produced album, and I ended up mentioning to Wendy how Metallica's logo has evolved over the years. That lead to a Google Image Search for the Metallica logo, which turned up a few images of Metallica inspired tattoos.

So, next thing ya know, I'm clicking through page after page of tattoo images at Google Image Search. Then I'm saving them to post them at the blog. You can click each image below to see the page where I found it.

I try to keep this blog fairly family friendly, so I won't be posting every tattoo image I saw, even if some of the potentially controversial ones made me laugh like crazy. And then there's Steve-O's tattoos, which are ... well, interesting to say the least.

Anyway, here are a few of the ones from tonight's web-surfing. I've placed an ugly tag on each of these images since people are going to continue hotlinking my pics and stealing my bandwidth, and I figure I oughta at least get some credit out of it.

I know a few bloggers who might like this one.

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Oh, nice. A tattoo of the World Trade Center attack and a blissfully happy Muslim figure. That'll go a long way toward helping Westerners embrace Islam.

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"Well, thank you for coming in today, but we do have a few other applicants to interview ... so, uh, don't call us, we'll be in touch if we think you're the man for the job..."

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Then again, this guy is a public speaking teacher, so I don't suppose that all face-covering tattoos are necessarily a guarantee of unemployment.

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I think this is an excellent tattoo. To get on your back. And walk around a marine base. To help with their target practice.

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HTML geeks (like me) will enjoy this one.

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MC Escher, that's my favorite MC.

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This tat isn't just awsome, it's also incredable.

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Just to know your what?

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I'm not sure if this is a pro-taco tattoo or an anti-taco one, but I do feel that I should be clear about where I stand on the issue.

Labels: Humor, Links, Metallica, Tattoos, Trivial Matters

MCF recently mentioned the B13's bad car accident in '92. I'd seen the pictures before and they always make me cringe.


I'm something of a paranoid passenger, as Wendy can attest, due to my own history of car accidents. I'm one of those guys who sits in the passenger seat maniacally clutching the dashboard, eyes wide, mouth agape, screaming "SLOW DOWN!! And that's before the driver even puts the key in the ignition.

My first car accident occurred shortly after I got my driver's license. I was a junior in high school. As MCF says, "kids are crazy," and I was one of many who had to learn lessons the hard way. One lesson I learned the hard way is that you should pay attention to the road, the road signs and the traffic signals when you're driving ... instead of haphazardly bopping down the road over the speed limit, eating a McDonalds cheeseburger and blasting Metallica's Disposable Heroes, paying no attention to traffic lights. I ran a traffic light at a busy intersection and crashed my mother's Ford Escort into a Chevy Blazer. I totaled the Blazer I hit and did something like $3,000 worth of damage to the Escort; shockingly it wasn't the other way around. Upon impact I flew forward (nope, not wearing a seatbelt) and spider-webbed the windshield of the Escort with my head, then flew to the left and embedded the window crank into the door with my left arm. Pretty scary. And to make matters worse, I knew that it was my fault. Thankfully, nobody was hurt beyond my few bumps and bruises, but I was terrified to tell my mom what had happened. Long story short, I got a year's driving probation and a good scare.


A few years later I was driving home from work one afternoon, once again blasting Metallica but this time paying attention to the road, when an old man ran a stop sign and I hit his station wagon with my car; that same Ford Escort which I'd since bought from my mom. This time the accident wasn't my fault, and I was fortunate in that a police officer witnessed the whole thing and testified on my behalf when the case went to court. Nonetheless, in this second instance there was more damage done to me and the car. This time the Escort was totaled, and I had to be cut from the car with the jaws of life and taken to the hospital in an ambulance. I was strapped to a flat surface of some sort by paramedics and x-rayed and cat-scanned before I was allowed to get up because I'd had a neck injury. Thank God the injury turned out to be just a bad strain/sprain and not something more severe.

When that case went to court the old man who'd ran the stoplight told the judge that it wasn't his fault, but the police officer who'd seen the accident testified differently. The cop suggested that the old man have his license revoked since he had a history, but the judge didn't take that suggestion. Sadly, a few years later, the old guy got on the interstate near here going in the wrong direction and hit a big truck head-on. The truck driver wasn't injured, but the old guy was killed.

Then, a few years after that, I was on my way to visit a girlfriend who was going to college at James Madison University, about 90 minutes away. It was a winter night and an icestorm blew up from out of nowhere. I didn't realize how quickly the weather had gotten bad and I didn't adjust my driving in time… so I hit an ice patch on an interstate bridge going at least sixty. My car spun three times at that speed, and it seemed to take about a half an hour. You know how people say that time slows down during those kinds of things? It really does. I can vividly remember having time to pray that God would just make the car stop spinning. And I can vividly remember the headlights of other cars all around me. They seemed to be coming from all directions. Finally, my car came to a stop on the shoulder of the interstate, facing in the wrong direction. I wasn't hurt and the car itself was unscathed. I sat staring at the cars passing me as I faced them pointed in the wrong direction, wondering how in the world I could possibly be perfectly fine. It was the most uneventful of my car accidents but it was easily the most terrifying.

So, yes, I'm a bad passenger. I always assume that the "other guy" is going to run a stop sign, that there's some unseen hazard on the road, or that safes and pianos are going to just start falling out of the sky.

Unless I'm driving. Then, I find that I often feel secure enough to drive and play air guitar at the same time.

Labels: Blogs, Metallica, Personal

In October, Wendy and I are going to see Gov't Mule at a club in Richmond. Gov't Mule is the first rock band I've heard in something like 15 years that I've actually liked enough to plan to see live. My last rock concert was Nine Inch Nails in Winston-Salem, NC, in November, '94. Since then I've only seen one nationally touring act (Lyle Lovett, an adult-contemporary/folk/jazz/country performer).

In the 80's and early '90's I saw a buttload of bands in concert … mostly hair metal bands since it was, after all, the 80's and early '90's and I was a teenager and hair metal was my thing.

I figured that since this blog is the closest thing I'll ever have to a diary I'd go ahead and post a brief "concert diary" while I can still remember the bands I've seen live. The following is a list of the bands I can remember having seen in concert, along with a brief memory or two about the acts.

AC/DC
One of the best bands I've ever seen live. I saw them in '88, I think. AC/DC is always reliable as a fun, energetic, good-time rock band. I was thrilled with how much of their older material they performed. I remember being giddy with glee when they played the opening riff of "Whole Lotta Rosie."

Aerosmith
I saw Aerosmith around '92. The most memorable thing about this show was that it was the only concert I ever attended with a girl with whom I was on a first date. It was kind of a distraction. Aerosmith was OK, I guess.

The Allman Brothers Band
The Allmans put on a great show when I saw them in the early '90's. Interestingly, their lead singer and guitar player at the time was Warren Haynes, the singer and guitar player who impresses me so much in Gov't Mule. So although I don't remember him, I'm 99% sure that I've already seen this remarkable musician play live.

Tori Amos
I saw Tori on tour in support of her Little Earthquakes album. She didn't have a band, just her and her piano. It was a really great show. She's an outstanding entertainer.

B.T.O.
I saw the "Taking Care Of Business" band in the late '80's. I remember someone threw a full "Big Gulp" size cup of soda and ice and hit Randy Bachman in the chest. Uncool. He brushed it off and kept playing. Very cool.

Clint Black
A popular country artist from the early '90's, Clint put on a decent show. His opening act was Lorrie Morgan. Anybody remember her?

Bon Jovi
The main thing I remember about Bon Jovi is that they are one of only two rock bands I ever saw live who didn't curse or use any vulgarities at all during their performance. Even in my teenage years that impressed me. It made them seem confident in their music.

Garth Brooks
I gotta say, Garth went out of his way to entertain his audience, and judging from the way my girlfriend at the time reacted, Garth did a good job. I wasn't much of a fan, but I don't remember having a terrible time at this show.

Cinderella
The main thing I remember about Cinderella was that they were a tall band. The average member was probably 6'. Maybe 6'3" with hair, 6'5" with hair and heels.

The Cult
This band produced one of the best and most underrated, underheard rock albums of the '80's. When I saw them their drummer was Matt Sorum, who went on to later fame drumming for Guns N' Roses. The Cult was a good live band, playing crowd-pleasing, competent, note-for-note reproductions of their live tracks.

Disposable Heroes Of Hiphoprisy
Remains the only hip hop band I've ever seen in concert. They were pretty good, I enjoyed their set. The cool thing about Disposable was that they played live music rather than just rapping over prerecorded tracks. Their guitarist was Charlie Hunter, who has since made quite a name for himself in the world of jazz.

Gibb Droll
I'm including Gibb here even though he's a bit of a regional artist and most of you have probably never heard him, except maybe through his work with Keller Williams or as a performer at The Gathering Of The Vibes. Gibb is an electric guitar player in the Jimi Hendrix/Stevie Ray Vaughn tradition, and he's really very good. He does a lot of session work now and occasionally produces a solo album, but back in the day he used to tour as the guitarist and singer in a three-piece band. I saw Gibb and his band play, damn, I don't even know how many times. I never saw a bad show. This guy is a great entertainer, a damn good songwriter and musician, and an all-around nice guy. I've been waiting for him to finally get his "big break" for more than ten years now.

Dokken
I saw Dokken in '88, I think. I have absolutely no memory of their set. You know, it's probably better if a band makes a bad impression (like Poison) than no impression at all.

Foreigner
I saw Foreigner during the height of their "I Wanna Know What Love Is" popularity, back when they had the original members of their classic line-up. They had a lot of lasers and dry ice and a big choir with them. This was the first rock band I ever saw live, I was maybe 14 or so. I was quite impressed.

Four Non Blondes
I saw them open for Aerosmith. They sucked. Their lead singer was Linda Perry, who is now a producer and songwriter responsible for a number of bad current hit records. Apparently she isn't through messing up my life yet.

Giuffria
Who the hell are Giuffria? I was asking that when I saw them live and I'm still asking that. OK, thanks to the internet, I do have a bit of interesting trivia about this band. Giuffria's lead singer was David Glen Eisley, who I remember cursing an excessive amount during their show. Even if you've never heard of him, you have probably heard him sing if you're a Spongebob Squarepants viewer. It seems that Eisley is the singing voice of Spongebob in the Band Geeks episode of the show. He sings the song "Sweet Victory" in that episode. So when I saw the little known rock band Giuffria in concert, I was entertained by the spectacular vocals of Spongebob Squarepants.

Great White
The best thing I can say about the Great White set I saw is that I survived it. After the band's irresponsible use of pyro lead to a fire a few years ago, I considered getting an "I Survived A Great White Concert" T-shirt. The second best thing I can say about the Great White show I saw was that they were the best unofficial Zeppelin cover-band I ever saw.

Merle Haggard
A true legend of country music. I enjoyed his set, although I remember that the guy had this really crazy looking glint in his eye while he was performing. Merle might be a little touched in the head.

Indigo Girls
I've seen the Indigo Girls play live twice, and both times I had a great time. One time they played a few requests from the crowd, including one song they didn't know ("Me and Bobby McGee") that they tried to work out for the first time on the spot. I've never seen another nationally touring band do that. The Indigo Girls are the best lesbian folk-rock duo I've ever seen in concert (though not the only one). In fact, the Indigos are probably one of the top fifteen lesbian folk-rock duos in the US, right up there with The Murmurs, Tegan and Sara and Tenacious D.

Kingdom Come
A Led Zeppelin wannabe band that opened a rock festival I saw in the late '80's.

Little Feat
Like the Allmans, who I saw after the death of Duane Allman, I saw Little Feat after the death of their founder and leader, Lowell George. Nonetheless, Little Feat was still made up of a number of damn good musicians, and I remember that I thought that they were very good live.

Lyle Lovett and His Large Band
Lyle Lovett and His Large Band is both the name of one of their albums and the name of Lovett's touring outfit. They're a remarkable assembly of players and singers. Wendy and I saw them three or four years ago, and they sounded great. We were both a bit disappointed, though, in Lovett's decision to play mostly brand-new material.

Marilyn Manson
Apparently, Marilyn Manson failed to shock or scare me since I saw him and his band open for Nine Inch Nails and have no memory of their performance.

Metallica
I saw Metallica three or four times in the '80's and early '90's. They really are one of the most consistently entertaining and worthwhile rock bands I've ever seen. I never saw them have an off night. They always sound good and always play for a long time. Plus, when they play live, their songs have a kind of loose groove that isn't there on the albums. They're awesome live, well worth seeing.

Motley Crue
I saw Motley Crue two or three times in the '80's. They were fun live, but extremely cheesy. For instance, one of the conventions of rock shows is that the band will come out and play for a while and then say "Thank you, good night!" They'll then go back stage and the crowd will stay in place and the house lights will stay down and the crowd will chant and the band will come back out after ten minutes and do a few more songs. It gives the impression of an "on demand" encore, but it's conventional. I've never been to a rock show where this didn't happen. Anyway, one time when I saw Motley Crue they did the "Thank you, good night!" bit and went off stage … and then a big electric sign behind the stage started flashing the word "CRUE CRUE CRUE CRUE," which, of course, prompted the crowd to chant for ten minutes. Then the band came back on stage and Vince Neal said something like "Boy, you guys must want some more, huh?" Gimme a break.

Nine Inch Nails
My ears rang for weeks after seeing NIN in '94. They were the loudest band I've ever seen and may have been violating noise ordnances when I saw them. They were also very good live. I thoroughly enjoyed their painful set.

Ozzy Osbourne
The most interesting thing about the Ozzy Osbourne show I saw was that, at the time, Ozzy was touring with Geezer Butler on bass guitar. Ozzy and Geezer were, of course, founding members of Black Sabbath. Now, at the time, guitarist Tony Iommi was the only original member still in Black Sabbath. So when I saw Ozzy, I saw more original members of Black Sabbath than I'd have seen at a Sabbath show. Also, Ozzy's guitarist on that tour and at that show was Zakk Wylde, a good musician and bandleader in his own right. Zakk's guitar playing during "Paranoid" produced the best version of that song I've ever heard.

Poison
Poison may be the worst band I ever saw live. Bad singing, bad playing, bad sound, bad showmanship, bad songwriting, bad make-up, bad costumes, bad conduct and bad hair. Other than that, fine show.

Primus
Primus had the worst sound mix of any live band I've ever seen. The music was one loud, fuzzy throb. I didn’t enjoy their set.

R.E.M.
I saw them touring in support of the album Green, on election day, 1989. This was the day that Virginia screwed up and elected the likable but incompetent Doug Wilder, which I thought was a good thing at the time. I drug my friend Jamie to this show and he had a miserable time. I had an OK time. REM's opening act was some band I've forgotten (it was the band Pylon, thanks for the reminder, Jamie), and their lead singer was visibly pregnant. She remains the only visibly pregnant singer I've ever seen open for R.E.M.

Ratt
I'm not even sure how many times I saw Ratt in the '80's. Maybe four times. They were a reliably middling-to-awful band. Their singer sucked. Their guitarists sucked. I thought they were awesome at the time, though, because I was easy to please.

Tony Rice
The best musician I've ever seen play live, and my favorite guitar player of all time. I saw him do a set with Peter Rowan, another legend in the bluegrass arena, but I hardly remember Rowan's presence. Rice is the man as far as I'm concerned. After the show Tony came out and socialized with the fans, so I got to meet him and thank him for the positive difference his music has made in my life over the years. He seemed genuinely touched by my gratitude. Tony Rice is the coolest guy in the world.

Sawyer Brown
Another of the country bands I saw in concert during my years working in country radio. You get the tickets for free, so you figure, heck, I might as well go. I have no memory of their set.

The Scorpions
I saw this band around the time of their mega-popular live album, World Wide Live. They sounded very good live. This was a band that had been touring, recording and performing for some fifteen years by the time I saw them, and they were tight and talented.

Shenandoah
Shenandoah was a popular country band in the '80's and '90's. If you weren't listening to that kind of music at that time, you don't remember them. They were, in all honesty, the best country band I ever saw in concert. (Notice I said "country," not "bluegrass." I've seen a bunch of better bluegrass players.) Anyway, Shenandoah played their hits along with a number of James Taylor and Dan Fogelberg covers and ended their show with an impressive (and utterly unexpected) cover of Led Zeppelin's "Heartbreaker." I went home happy. I think my girlfriend at the time (the Garth Brooks fan) was a bit baffled by their song selections.

Slayer
Slayer was really outstanding live. I saw them in a club in Hampton Roads, Virginia, touring in support of Seasons In The Abyss. They opened their show, if I remember correctly, with "Raining Blood," one of their heaviest songs. The played hard and fast and loud and never made a misstep. The Governor saw that show with me and has since seen them a number of times, and he has never reported a bad show. If you like loud, aggressive thrash metal, Slayer is the band to see live. And, by the way, Slayer is the only other rock band (along with Bon Jovi) that I've seen play live who never uttered a single swear word or vulgarity during their set. Instead, their singer, Tom Araya, kept saying things like "I trust that everyone is enjoying our performance this evening..."

Testament
I saw this thrash metal band open for Slayer. I remember thinking that they were good and that their singer was a huge, scary guy.

Toad the Wet Sprocket
Toad was a popular alternative rock band in the '90's and they were pretty good live. I saw them with special guests Everything, a one-hit-wonder from that time. I think I remember that Everything was pretty good, too. The main thing I remember about Everything was that they were selling t-shirts that had their logo on the front and the words "Poor. Ugly. Happy." on the back. I thought those were pretty cool shirts.

U2
On the Zoo TV tour at Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh in the early '90's. Best show I have ever seen. U2 is a stellar live band, and they had all the bells and whistles, props and lights and lasers, that a stadium-size show will accommodate. Man, what a great show. They sounded great, they thoroughly entertained several thousand people, I went home exhausted and happy.

Van Halen
I saw Van Halen three or four times in the late '80's, during the Hagar era. They were a solid band live. Eddie Van Halen once threw a guitar pick right over my head; the guy behind me got it. Dammit. I also remember that during one show Hagar spotted security roughing a guy up and stopped the show mid-song and told them to stop. Very cool.

Vixen
Vixen was an all-girl metal band that was popular for six minutes in the late '80's. After they broke up, the guitarist briefly taught guitar for a living on Long Island, New York. She was the guitar teacher for a guy my wife used to date before she and I ever met. Six degrees of separation or something.

White Lion
They didn't suck.

Whitesnake
I saw them twice. They were prompt and professional, as is befitting a group of veteran British musicians. I saw them during the years when lead singer David Coverdale was still dating Tawny Kitaen. This was the '80's when she was still young and hot, as opposed to nowadays when she looks like a transvestite.

Labels: Gov't Mule, Metallica, Music, Personal

I read Janet's Tell It To Me Tuesday regularly, but don't usually contribute because I just don't often feel like I have anything worth adding. Better to keep your mouth shut than to add something pointless, right?

But this week's topic happens to be a subject I know a little about: songs that invoke anger. Or, as I interpret the topic, songs to listen to when you're good and pissed off.

I've mentioned before that music therapy is the only thing that works for me when I get highly aggravated, and what I often do is listen to good anger-music to get it out of my system. Once I've heard a few tunes ... good and loud, mind you ... and maybe let out a couple of primal screams ... I tend to feel better. Here are some of the songs that help me bring the anger to a head, dissipate it, and get on with my life.

Pantera: "Regular People"

There are a ton of good Pantera songs when it comes to lettin' off some steam, including B13's outstanding choice, but the one I'd pick is "Regular People", a song about having had it up to here with somebody's BS. As heavy metal goes, Pantera was one of the best bands ever ... and their music was the kind that perfectly suited aggressive, angry lyrics. Each and every track on Pantera's amazing "Vulgar Display of Power" is a monster, and "Regular People" is one of those "critical mass" songs for me.

Sample lyric:
I’ve trampled on that road
That you think you own.
You and that ’smart ass’ attitude,
It’s time to stop the fiction.

Some YouTuber has put together a music video for the song, featuring video from some video game. I have no idea why, the video adds nothing to the music ... but you can sample the song here:

Metallica: "Wasting My Hate"

Of course, the worst thing about being good and mad at someone is that when you get mad and stay mad at some idiot, you're giving them too much of yourself. When you're mad at someone, you're giving them your time, your energy, your mind and your body. And most of the time, when you think about it, the person you're mad at isn't worth the sacrifice.

Metallica's "Load" features a song called "Wasting My Hate", and it really puts it all in a nutshell. The band's James Hetfield wrote the song after hearing a story from country and western legend Waylon Jennings: Jennings was sitting in a cafe having a cup of coffee when he noticed a guy sitting in the parking lot, in the passenger seat of a truck, giving him the evil eye. Jennings looked away, but when he looked back, the guy was still looking at him. So this time he tried to stare him down, but the guy didn't budge. The longer he sat there, the angrier Waylon got, and finally he decided to walk outside and really give it to the guy. And when he got outside and approached the truck, he realized that the guy was sound asleep, head cocked back on the seat, and actually staring at no one and nothing. "Man," Waylon is reported to have said to Hetfield, "I was just wasting my hate on that guy."

Sample lyric:
Good day, how do,
And I send a smile to you.
Don't waste, don't waste your breath,
And I won't waste my hate on you.

Again, the YouTube video features unrelated and irrelevant video, but you can hear the song here:

Johnny Cash: "San Quentin"

Johnny Cash didn't write protest songs to be trendy or to attract attention. If Johnny wrote a song in protest of something, it was because he was good and pissed off. Such was the case in 1969 when Johnny visited San Quentin State Prison in California to perform for the inmates and saw them living in conditions not fit for human beings.

According to the liner notes from Cash's legendary live album "Johnny Cash At San Quentin", Johnny wrote his classic song entitled "San Quentin" during the first hours of his visit to the penitentiary. That was the thing about Johnny Cash... when he converted to Christianity, he took the call seriously. Including Christ's call to His followers to visit and minister to those in prison. Cash believed that people who'd committed crimes should pay their due to society, but that they shouldn't be reduced to something less than human. What he saw at San Quentin appalled him. During his concert that day Cash asked for a drink of the same water that the prisoners drank and found it filthy and disgusting. Later, Johnny debuted the new song for San Quentin's inmates, stirring them to the point that he had to perform the song again, immediately, to satisfy them. Imagine that. Imagine being one of the guards or the warden in that infamous hellhole, watching as a pissed-off country rocker got your whole prison population all worked up, all at once.

Sample lyric:
San Quentin, I hate every inch of you.
You've cut me and you've scarred me through and through.
And I'll walk out a wiser weaker man;
Mister Congressman, you can't understand.

And here's a clip of that very legendary performance:

Tool: "Bottom"

The heavy progressive rock band Tool just gets better and better. Their 2001 album "Lateralus" is possibly the finest example of heavy progressive rock that's been turned out by any band ... but each of their albums is good in it's own right, and 1993's "Undertow" features a number of great songs, including "Bottom".

"Bottom" is a song about wallowing in your own spite ... and let's face it, we all do that from time to time. But "Bottom" is an honest song; a song that admits that when you're wallowing, you're doing nothing more than celebrating your own failure. Still, wallowing has it's appeal. Sometimes when you're good and mad you just want to be left alone to enjoy your anger. And there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you get it out of your system and move on. Have a good wallow, then get up and get on with it.

Sample lyric:
I have swallowed the poison you feed me,
And I survive on the poison you feed me.
Leaving me guilt-fed. Hatred-fed. Weakness-fed.
It makes me feel ugly.

Again, ignore the animation that some YouTuber has attached to the song and just enjoy Tool's groove:

Billy Joel: "Pressure"

Is there anything worse than some jackass who just can't wait to tell you what you should be doing when things fall apart? Not much. And we all know the type, too. We all know some blowhard who just lurks in the background, waiting to see if you're going to fall on your face, not caring what you're doing or what you're learning or how hard you're trying ... just waiting for that chance to waltz up and say "You know, if I were you..."

Billy Joel has obviously dealt with those kinds of people before, and his 1982 album "The Nylon Curtain" contains a track that sums them up to a tee. Billy even sings "Pressure" with a voice that's about to crack from anger, making it obvious that he's not singing about a hypothetical lunkhead. Some smart-ass actually inspired this song. I hope he knew that it was about him when he first heard it on the radio.

Sample lyric:
I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale.
But here you are with your faith
And your Peter Pan advice.
You have no scars on your face
And you cannot handle pressure.

And here's the classic music video from the '80's.

Labels: Blogs, Entertainment, Johnny Cash, Metallica, Music, Personal, You Tube

Once again, MCF asks the questions and his readers answer them.

1) What aspect of aging do you dread the most?

I live in mortal fear of Alzheimer's Disease. It's crippled several people in my family, leaving them barely-alive shells for the last ten years of their lives. I am terrified of the possibility that I'll get it. I'd honestly rather die (fairly) young than burden my family with Alzheimer's. Every time I forget something, lose my keys, etc, I mildly panic about it being the onset of Alzheimer's.

2) What's the wildest ethnic celebration you've ever participated in or encountered on the street?

I'm having a hard time coming up with an answer for this. Ethnic celebrations aren't really commonplace in this neck of the woods. It's not that there's no ethnic variety, it's just that large-scale celebrations tend to be community-focused rather than focused on one specific ethnicity.

So I guess I'll say that the wildest ethnic celebration I've ever encountered on the street was when the little punk sk8er kids from up the road spent most of a night doing jumps off the steps of the church down the road, cursing loudly and keeping a number of people awake until someone ran them off. Is "sk8er kid" an official ethnicity?

3) Which characters would you like to see in the sequel to Transformers? If you're not familiar with the series, you can just suggest vehicles or other alternate forms you'd enjoy watching turn into robots.

I'm not really familiar with the series, so I guess I'm on my own here. So how about …

• A tricked out 78 Lincoln that turns into Pimpbot 5000.


• A three year old Xbox that turns into a brand new Xbox 360.


• A swan that turns into a dress.


• A new Metallica album, to be released in February, that turns into something worth waiting for.


• A week thread of one liners that turns into a funny post.

4) Do you ever just go crazy or lose your temper and, if so, how do you cool down and regain rationality?

The only thing that helps me when I get to the snapping point is to get in a car, drive away from whatever/whomever I'm irked at, and play music LOUD until I chill out. Then I can go back and talk.

SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION: What is “Purple Monkey Dishwasher”?

It's from The Simpsons. I'm not going to bother hunting down the exact season/episode. As I remember it, the kids were at school whispering a rumor each to another and passing it on. When it got back around it was no longer as it had started and now ended with the words "purple monkey dishwasher." Which, by the way, would make an awesome name for a band.

And by the way, if you plug the phrase into Google Image Search, the image to the right is one of the ones that pops up.

Labels: Blogs, Metallica

• YouTube, We Hardly Knew Ye
  
  Remember CDNow.com? I used to go there a whole lot back in the day to sample CDs, get album info, etc. If you ever used CDNow, you remember how great it was. Then, without warning in 2002, Amazon bought CDNow. And it sucked.
  
  Most of what I know about HTML was self learned while I played with my own little Geocities site back in the day. Then Geocities was absorbed by Yahoo and all of a sudden you had to have a Yahoo ID to use Geocities and the file space went way down, etc. And that sucked, too.
  
  Now, just as I've gotten to where I use the somewhat controversial video sharing site YouTube.com a whole lot, it's been bought by Google. And, lo, we shall mourn this day the rest of our lives, and a great plague shall descend upon those who have shared their videos with YouTube.com, and there will be gnashing of teeth and rending of garments, and it shall suck.
  
  Google, after all, is the owner of Blogger… the blogging service I use to manage this site… and the blogging service I bitch about constantly because it SUCKS.



• Wow, It's Been 20 Years…
  
  … since Cliff Burton died. I remember it like it was yesterday, though. I was watching MTV one September afternoon in 1986. This was back when they still played music videos on MTV. Yes, kiddies, us old guys used to watch these things called music videos on MTV. They were like short musical movies… or, more honestly, they were like long commercials for different albums.
  
  Anyway, I was watching MTV one September afternoon in 1986 when a VJ named Alan Hunter came on to do the two-or-three-minute music news (they used to do it at ten minutes before the hour) and he said something like "The world of heavy metal lost a second stringer today with the death of Cliff Burton of the band Metallica."
  
  Metallica was my favorite band. I remember sitting in front of the TV in my parents basement that day with two weird realizations in my head at the same time: One, Cliff Burton had died. Two, I'd just heard Metallica mentioned on MTV.
  
  Metallica, you might remember, wasn't on the radar back in the day because they didn't do music videos. Hard to believe, but there was a time when they were underground and little known and meeting someone in a Metallica T-shirt was like running into another member of your very own secret society.
  
  These days, of course, Metallica T-shirts are as commonplace, meaningless and unremarkable as Led Zeppelin T-shirts. Or Snoopy T-shirts. Or Budweiser T-shirts, for that matter.
  
  James Hetfield reminisced a little about Cliff on the 20th anniversary of his death:
  
  

  "We never would have written guitar harmonies or instrumentals or songs with very intricate melodies and orchestrations without Cliff. We wouldn't be where we are today."

  
  
  20 years. Damn. Seems like yesterday. RIP, Cliff.
  

  




• Freedom Of Speech … Just Watch What You Say
  
  Liberals, of course, are aaaallll about freedom of speech. Unless they don't like your opinion. Then, they are all about silencing you, drowning you out and preventing others from hearing what you have to say.
  
  Freedom of speech, to the average liberal, only applies to other liberals. Nowhere is this more obvious than in the ivory tower of academia, where diversity of every kind is encouraged. Well, every kind but one: diversity of ideas is to be stopped, squashed and eliminated at all costs according to the academic liberal ethos.
  
  Recently, Jim Gilchrist of the controversial Minutemen Project was asked to speak at Columbia University in New York. A number of young liberals at Columbia disagree with Gilchrist's positions on immigration, so they did what liberals do best: they attacked. Literally, physically, violently attacked:
  

  
  Tell me again, left-wingers, how we redneck gun-owning Christian red-staters are such closed minded, bigoted, hateful bullies. More video and some smart observations from Michelle Malkin are up at Hot Air.




• Blog Checks
  
  
  • A website I mentioned by e-mail to MCF made this week's P Links. So did this great CEO coloring book.
  
  
  • I also got luv from the 13th edition of Links N' Junk at Rey's A Point. More importantly, Rey posted a link to a great free media conversion site.
  
  
  • The Unseen Blogger is literally disappearing. Check out the fourth thing he learned over the weekend.



• Déjà Vu, Al Over Again
  
  Another Weird Al interview… the first half of this one, with Paul McCartney, is screamingly funny.
  

  
  If you're as easily entertained as I am, check out his sit-down with Madonna.

Labels: Media, Metallica, Music, News, Politics, You Tube

• Religion Of Peace? Right.
  
  Apparently, if you're going to say anything about Muslims or Islam other than "Praise Allah!", it darn well better be something nice. The Holy Father made a few historically correct and spiritually insightful remarks last week…
  
  

  Citing historic Christian commentary on holy war and forced conversion, the 79-year-old pontiff quoted from a 14th-century Byzantine emperor, Manuel II Paleologos.
  
  "The emperor comes to speak about the issue of jihad, holy war," the pope said. "He said, I quote, 'Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.' "
  
  Clearly aware of the sensitivity of the issue, Benedict added, "I quote," twice before pronouncing the phrases on Islam and described them as "brusque," while neither explicitly agreeing with nor repudiating them.
  
  "The emperor goes on to explain in detail the reasons why spreading the faith through violence is something unreasonable," Benedict said.
  
  "Violence is incompatible with the nature of God and the nature of the soul," the pope said, issuing an open invitation to dialogue among cultures.

  
  
  …and now every turban-and-burqua wearing wackjob in the world has gone all to hell over it:
  
  

  

  
  
  And a number of bloggers are going out of their way to show support for the Pontiff:
  
  

  

  
  
  Of course, since this involves that "religion of peace" known as Islam, waving signs isn't enough for a great many of the wackos:
  
  

  An Iraqi militant group led by al Qaeda vowed a war against the "worshippers of the cross" in response to a recent speech by Pope Benedict on Islam that sparked anger across the Muslim world.
  
  "We tell the worshipper of the cross (the Pope) that you and the West will be defeated, as is the case in Iraq, Afghanistan, Chechnya," said an Internet statement by the Mujahideen Shura Council, an umbrella group led by Iraq's branch of al Qaeda.
  "We shall break the cross and spill the wine. ... God will (help) Muslims to conquer Rome. ... God enable us to slit their throats, and make their money and descendants the bounty of the mujahideen," said the statement.

  
  
  Tell me again, Mr. President, how Islam is "is a peaceful religion, a religion that respects others."
  
  Can you believe that Dubya actually said that? Look, the guy has a ranch. He oughta know BS when he sees it.
  
  Religion of peace, my ass.
  
  Islamabad threw some fuel on the fire:
  
  

  Pakistan's parliament on Friday unanimously adopted a resolution condemning Pope Benedict XVI for making what it called "derogatory" comments about Islam, and seeking an apology from him for hurting the sentiments of Muslims...
  
  "Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence," Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Tasnim Aslam said.

  
  
  Yep... Islam is a very tolerant religion... and the Muslims will wage war against you if you say different!
  
  What's more, you make 'em mad enough, they'll kill nuns:
  
  

  Gunmen killed an Italian nun at a children's hospital in Mogadishu on Sunday in an attack that drew immediate speculation of links to Muslim anger over the Pope's recent remarks on Islam...
  
  "I was in class when I heard about six to eight shots, I ran out and saw sister bleeding," Fatuma Hassan, 21, told Reuters.
  
  "We're so sad. It's a big loss."

  
  
  Just chalk it up to a lesson learned. And, if the past five years have been any indication, a lesson that will be forgotten in about fifteen minutes.
  

  

  
  
  And, besides, "radical Christianity is just as threatening as radical Islam." If you don't believe me, just ask that tub of co-host, Rosie O'Donnell:
  




• Emanuel! Christ Among Us! NOT!
  
  Rey linked to this video this weekend. Apparently, everything you've ever been taught by any Christian church you've ever attended has been wrong. How can I say that? Well, because the lord himself has come back… and he dresses like a Columbian coke cartel general.

  
  There are people who follow this guy? Come on, nobody would really buy into an obviously fake religion just because it's glitzy and glamorous and explains away human failures very easily… would they?




• Another Reason To Mourn Steve Irwin
  
  According to the National Review, the Crocodile Hunter didn't just have a big heart and a big image… he had a brain, too. The National Review reports that Irwin was not…
  
  

  …the sort of leftist-environmentalist nag that infests this zone of human activity. To the contrary, he was a political conservative, and a strong supporter of Australia’s robustly sensible premier John Howard, whom he once described, to some derision from the Australian media, as “the greatest leader in the entire world.”

  
  
  RIP, Steve. We hardly knew you.



• Those Mean Old Metallica Fans
  
  Apparently, Metallica's failed producer for about fifteen years, Bob Rock, has a bone to pick with a number of the band's fans. It seems that some of us have hurt Bob's feelings… or at least, according to Bob, we've confused his children:
  
  

  A behind-the-scenes look at that tumultuous (St. Anger) project was featured in the… unflinching documentary "Metallica: Some Kind of Monster." A petition that some 1,500 fans signed subsequently was posted online calling for Metallica to dump Rock, claiming he had too much influence on the band's sound.
  
  "The criticism was hurtful for my kids, who read it and don't understand the circumstances," Rock says. "Sometimes, even with a great coach, a team keeps losing. You have to get new blood in there."

  
  
  And sometimes a lame producer causes a well-written album to sound like crap. Either way, Rock is out of the picture and an amazingly talented producer is on board. Metallica fans have reason to anticipate the next album.

Labels: Blogs, Links, Metallica, Music, News, Politics, You Tube

It's hard to believe that there have now been sixteen McFATs… but there have, and here are my answers to Number Sixteen.

1) What's your worst and/or funniest drinking experience? If you never drink, it can be about someone you know, and if you don't know anyone, move on to the next question.

Disclaimer: I can't remember the last time I had more than two beers at a time. It's usually just one at a time. Wendy and I usually make a six-pack last for more than a week between us, and we might buy a total of four six-packs in a year. I'm totally paranoid about drinking much at all, even in the comfort of my own home, for fear that some child will get up and manage to fall down the steps and knock a hole in his or her head and then it's up to me to get them to the hospital. So I hardly drink at all, I never drink anything other than beer (actually ales and stouts) and when I do, it's very, very little.

There was, however, a time when I drank far too much and behaved very irresponsibly while drinking. I no longer do that, having put that lifestyle behind me more than ten years ago… and having spent a period of my life going to AA meetings in order to make sure that the last nail was in the coffin of that part of my life.

And so I want to make it clear that I do not endorse drinking to excess, I do not endorse driving or behaving irresponsibly while drinking, and I do not endorse basically everything I ever did before my son was born.

OK?

Now, having said all that, I suppose the funniest thing that ever happened to me while drinking would be the time that another blogger who frequents this blog… a guy I used to work with back in my radio days… well, he and I worked at a radio station together and we decided to basically change the station's format and broadcast times while we were drunk on the air one night.

Drinking while on the air was fairly commonplace back during my irresponsible radio youth. Anyway, me and this other guy (a blogger in my blogroll who I won't identify… if he wants to do so in the comments, that's up to him) used to work at a small-time local radio station. It was really small time. Not even a 24-hour-a-day broadcast station. We signed on every morning at 5:00 AM… played country music and gospel music all day… and then signed off at midnight. Yep, it was one of those little AM/FM stations that you might dial in while traveling through the south just to get a kick out of a little slice of Americana.

Anyway, me and this other DJ used to get fairly good and drunk fairly frequently during the evening shift… and one night when it came time to sign off for the evening we decided that, dang it, we weren't gonna do it. We decided that instead we'd stay on the air and play the kind of music that we enjoyed… stuff like Metallica and the Michael Schenker Group and the Grateful Dead and NWA and James Taylor and… oh, you name it. If we liked it, we'd just throw it on the air. And between songs we'd go on the air and tell ribald stories about our co-workers and stuff like that.

So about an hour into this illegal, immoral and unintelligible broadcast, our station manager called us and demanded to know why we were still on the air. Turns out that he'd been out clubbing and got in his car and turned on the radio, which just happened to be tuned to our frequency… and before he could get a cassette tape in the tape deck he noticed that we were still broadcasting and that we were playing some sort of highly vulgar material.

Anyway, the station manager calls us and demands to know why we're still on the air and one of us… I can't remember if it was me or the other DJ… told the manager that he needed to shut up, go home and go to bed.

The next day the other DJ and I were called in to the station around 10 AM or so and we were curtly and unceremoniously fired and sent packing.

However, by one or two that afternoon when it became obvious that there was nobody to work my afternoon shift and the other DJ's evening shift, we were called and asked if we'd like to have our jobs back. So we said sure, what the hell, we didn't have anything else to do and since we were just gonna sit around and drink and listen to music anyway, we might as well get paid to do it.

There are a bunch of other stories that I could tell that begin with the line "This one time when we were drunk on the air…" but I think I've incriminated myself enough.

2) Inspired by some of the insect images I've seen lately at B13's and Unspace, what are some of your more horrific encounters with the insect world?

Have you ever seen a House Centipede? These aren't regular run-of-the-mill centipedes… these things are hideous. Monstrous. They look like some sort of joint project created by Todd McFarlane and Satan. Every time I see one I shriek like a ten year old girl and run outside waving my arms around, crying for help. I'm TERRIFIED of these things. I'd honestly rather go up against a bear, armed only with a Bic pen, then have to face down a house centipede. We get them from time to time in the fall. It's getting close to the time of year when they'll be coming out. I live in fear of them at this time of year. If you want to see one, you can click here… but I'm warning you, they're hideous.

3) How would your life differ if you woke up one morning with no arms?

I guess the main difference is that I wouldn't have ANY #@&N$!"!NG ARMS… but other than that, I guess the change would be nominal.

Speaking of arms and radio… I was once reprimanded by a program director for saying on the air that I'd give my right arm to be as good a drummer as that guy in Def Leppard.

4) Born in the mid 1970s, a lot of the classic rock I've heard used as jingles for beer, trucks, and other appropriate products was my first exposure to those songs. Do you think some of these songs were ruined by becoming advertising elements? What songs from your formative years could you see being sampled for commercials some day, and for what sort of products?

I LOVE the Iggy Pop song Lust For Life, and I HATE hearing it in car commercials. I also remember hearing The Faces' I Know I'm Losing You in a commercial for something or other and being bummed out by that. I really love that song, too.

I am surprised, I must admit, that I haven't yet heard Iron Maiden or Judas Priest in commercials for Honda and Nike. Our generation made those bands huge, and our generation is a prime marketing demographic, so it's only a matter of time until those bands are turning up in commercials. In fact, I have a vague memory of having heard You've Got Another Thing Coming in a commercial… but I can't remember the product and it might be that my mind is playing tricks on me.

Now that I'm one of many old fat men driving around in a minivan and listening to Metallica, it's only a matter of time before we hear Metallica songs in commercials. I suppose Duracell will co-op Battery just to be funny. Maybe Verizon will use For Whom The Bell Tolls.

And, of course, customizing the lyrics to match the product will continue as a marketing trend. I can't wait to hear a Dominos commercial featuring Dave Mustane wailing Pizza Sells… But Who's Buying? Maybe Slayer will sing the praises of a Tupperware Ensemble.

SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION: I started blogging on October 13th, 2004. Last year some of you may recall my Best Blog Party Party, guest posts, year in review, and revealing photos. What sort of things should I do for this year's Cloakfest?

It's time to go ahead and do that nude photo-spread you've been promising us for so long now. Nothing raunchy, mind you… I'm talking about tasteful photos… but something bold and liberating. It might be nice to pose with a live tiger, if you can get access to one. The one article of clothing that I'd say you definitely should wear is a tweed fedora… and maybe a huge gold chain. Just you, the lid and the chain, the tiger and an expression of sassy bravado. It'll be the most popular Photo Blog Wednesday ever.

Labels: Blogs, Metallica, Music, Personal, Trivial Matters

The week isn't quite over yet, so I guess it's technically a little soon to do a weekend wrap-up, logically speaking. However, I pride myself on never allowing logic to come between my blog and me.

• You Started All The Wars, Mate
  
  I'm still not sure how I stumbled across this:
  
  

  A 41-year-old man has appeared in the Perth (Australia) Magistrate's court accused of making abusive and harassing telephone calls to Jewish community groups.
  
  (The man) is alleged to have made numerous calls to interest and welfare groups over a month-long period starting in June…
  
  He was not required to plead to the charges and was released on bail to appear in court again in November.

  
  
  Hmmm. Australian man. Jews. Belligerent tirade. There is, of course, an easy joke to be made here, but I'm trying very hard not to make it. The punch line would be extremely easy to put across, too… just grab a couple of pictures with Google Image Search and do a quick cut-n-paste job and there's the whole joke, ya know? I'm not going to do it, though. It just wouldn't be right. I'm not going to do it.
  
  DOH! Now, how did that graphic get up there by the news story?



• Those Bad Ol' Traditional Catholics
  
  Man, I just can't get enough of this kind of crap:
  
  

  This is the transcript of a news story from Australian ABC radio about very Traditionalist Catholicism. You can listen to it on MP3 here. It begins, after an narrative introduction, with the sound of the Christian Mass being conducted in Latin. After that sound clip, an announcer says "Catholics who grew up prior to the second Vatican Council, held in the 1960s, would know exactly what they're listening to, a Mass conducted in Latin.
  
  Among the many changes stemming from Vatican II, Pope John XXIII did away with the Latin mass, but there is a small minority within the Catholic Church who like things the way they were.
  
  At the extreme end, they call themselves Sedevacantists."

  
  
  The news story then goes on to detail the odd (to my way of thinking) beliefs of Sedavacantists. It would be fair, I think, to say that Sedavacantism is peculiarly anti-Semitic. Now, keep in mind that Sedavacantists are a schismatic pseudo-catholic group that is not in communion with the church of Rome and is not representative of other people with Traditionalist Catholic beliefs. Yours truly, for instance. That distinction, though, is intentionally blurred in the news story... it begins talking about Traditionalist Catholics and then moves on to describing a fringe group. It's called listener-manipulation. I worked in radio for eight years and I know all about this game. During the news story, an ex-priest named Paul Collins (that's right, ex-priest, so right away, you know that he's not really a reliable source on Catholic doctrine) describes Sedavacantism this way:
  
  

  They tend to insist on the necessity for Latin in the mass. They see that as a kind of sacred language. They are also highly critical and non-accepting of any reforms to the liturgy and the worship of the Church. So they want to say mass in the old style. They tend to hang onto old style vestments - all that kind of thing.

  
  
  And so, with one broad stroke, everyone who enjoys hearing the mass in Latin, who believes in old-style liturgy, and who prefers older vestments is painted as a Jew-hating Sedavacantist.
  
  Here's how it works: The average schmuck who doesn't know much about Traditionalist Catholic beliefs hears this news story. Then one day he hears a Traditionalist Catholic say something about how beautiful the Mass is when said in Latin. At this point, Joe Schmuck remembers the news story he heard and believes that the Traditionalist Catholic he's talking to is some sort of fringe lunatic.
  
  Media magic, folks. Michal Moorism at it's best. If you tell the truth acrobatically enough, you can twist it into something entirely inaccurate.
  
  I'd site sources and references to explain why this view of Traditional Catholics (or Catholics in general) is wrong and bigoted, but the successful selling this kind of "news" hinges on three kinds of people:
  
  
  • Those who hear this kind of crap and know better, so they don't believe it.
  
  
  • Those who hear this kind of crap and know better, but they hate Catholics and/or the Catholic church simply because they enjoy that hatred, so they choose to believe and/or perpetuate this garbage.
  
  
  • Those who hear this kind of crap and don't know any better, so they believe it because, hey, it was on the news so it has to be right. Right?
  
  
  If you're one of the first two kinds of people listed above, you already know that this crap is wrong, so I won't waste your time explaining it.
  
  If you're part of the third group… well, I won't waste my time explaining anything to you. Just keep listening to the media. They'll do your thinking for you.
  
  If, however, you really don't know much about Traditional Catholicism and you'd like to learn about it, there are a few things you can read and a few things you can do. Start with the New Testament. That's the earliest volume of writings that the Church ever collected, as guided by the Holy Spirit, to explain what her dogma really is. You might already have a copy around the house somewhere. You may have even heard a few verses from it taken out of context and twisted in hateful, unChristian ways. Don't let that discourage you. Read it. Pick one of the Gospels (Matthew is my favorite) and just read it. It'll take you maybe an hour. If you read some of it and like what you read, attend Mass and talk to a Priest. He can get you started in the right direction from there.



• Metallica On The Simpsons
  
  When The Simpsons season opener airs on September 10, Metallica will be the featured guests. Hey, you got your metal in my comedy! You got your comedy in my metal! The Simpsons and Metallica! Two great tastes that taste great together!
  
  If you're curious about what the band will look like Simpsonized, look no further:

  




• Jerry's Doesn't Show His Guts, George Takei Spills His
  
  Recently, a discussion about Jerry's innards devolved, of course, into a sidetrack discussion about George Takei. I suppose that makes sense. I've found that it's nearly impossible to discuss any surgical procedure without bringing up George Takei. (!!??!) In that discussion I referred to Takei as one of the "creepiest" celebrities out there. If you need a better understanding of why I feel that way, you can click the pic and watch a YouTube video. For the record, my repulsion to Takei has nothing to do with his homosexuality. I could provide you with a list of homosexuals that I like and admire, but I don't want to out anyone. So, no, it's not his gayness that creeps me out. It's Takei's utter creepiness that creeps me out. (I think it's the laugh. I'm shuddering just thinking about it).



• Speaking Of Chinese Things…
  
  Click the graphic below for a YouTube video that only an uber geek (like me) could love:
  

  

  
  And speaking of fortune cookies, the other day Wendy and I had to have tires put on her car and we ended up with time to kill. So we had some Chinese buffet food for lunch. (If I had to explain my weight problem in two words, those two words would be "Chinese Buffet") Anyway, at the conclusion of our lunch, this is the fortune that Wendy ended up with:

  

  Neither of us are sure what this means. Exactly how and/or when will these birds become entangled in Wendy's feet? And will the men in question be entangled in the tongues of the birds or in their own tongues? Either way, it sounds messy. I hope this happens while I'm at work.




• When Ficus Attacks!
  
  When it comes to wooden-gun waving, vegetable people, there's NOBODY in the same league as the Hebron Palestinian Security League:

  

  We in the west aren't even on the same planet as these people, are we?

Labels: Metallica, News, Politics

Oh, yeah… a week ago, the Unseen Blogger tagged me with a book meme, and I committed to completing it.

Along the way I noticed that MCF had done the meme, but he'd changed it to an 80's animation theme instead of books since he vaguely remembered having done the book variation in the past. Then Otis got in on the action, doing the cartoon version as well.

Then I remembered that MCF definitely had done a version of this meme before, and that he'd tagged me with it, too. So, since I'd already done this kind of thing once before, I decided to change it up myself. Instead of books and instead of cartoons, my version is about albums:

1. One book album that changed your life:

I'm going with Tony Rice's amazing Cold on the Shoulder. Before I heard this album, I was just like every other uppity dipstick when it came to bluegrass music. I thought I knew what it was all about, I thought it was all about these kinds of people, and I looked down my nose at bluegrass in general. Then I heard Rice. There was no getting around the fact that the guy was a remarkable musician. I don't think I appreciated his absolute mastery of song, though, until I heard Cold on the Shoulder. There were moments (the best example is the track "Wayfaring Stranger") when I sat in wide-eyed disbelief at the inexpressible beauty of what I was hearing. I've been an unabashed and enthusiastic bluegrass fan ever since. And, here's the thing about bluegrass fans: Often when two of us are together and hear someone else mocking bluegrass, you might notice a sly exchange of glances. It's an exchange that says "Remember when we were ignorant a-holes, too?"

2. One book album that you have read more than once listened to a zillion times:

My favorite album, Pearl Jam's Ten. I absolutely love this album. I can't be objective about it. It's just my album. It was the perfect album, released at the perfect time, with each perfect song written and recorded perfectly. I have so many associations and memories with this album. I can remember specific times in my life when it was the background music… specific instances when one song or another from this album was on the radio. I can play each solo on the album in perfect, synchronous air-guitar. I know and can sing along with each of Vedder's grunts, moans and fricatives. And this is an album, not a collection of songs. In case you had any doubt, the band opened and closed it with a brief instrumental bookend piece. It is meant to be heard as a whole, and I hear it as a whole quite frequently, even all these years later. Oh, if only Pearl Jam had ever done even one other album that was half this good. If only they'd concentrated on the music and less on the politically ostentatious posturing. If only, if only….

3. One book album you'd want on a desert island:

Yes, Ten is my favorite album… by my favorite band is and will likely always be Metallica. Yes, I'm aware that Metallica sold out, Metallica sucks, Metallica are a bunch of irrelevant old men, Metallica are yadda, yadda, yadda. Just shut your yappin' pie hole, OK? I don't want to hear it and I don't care. Metallica is my favorite band. The thing is, It's like I'm Metallica's battered wife. I keep taking them back because they used to be so good to me. They still love me… I just know they do, and they'll show it again one day! So in spite of pointless sets of cover songs and blatant instances of hubris and otherwise wonderfully written and played albums that were ruined by an incompetent producers, I keep going back. If I had to pick a single Metallica album to take on a desert island… a place where time stands still, where no one leaves and no one will…it would have to be Master of Puppets. I'll just never get tired of it. It's their high-water mark, they're standard by which I judge every subsequent effort, and an album I could listen to any day of the week. The band created that album by following their instincts, not a trend… and it will go against the grain until the end.

And if you can name the two songs from the album that I quoted in that paragraph (WITHOUT Googling the lyrics), you get ten bonus SouthCon points.

4. One book album that made you laugh:

When The Darkness released their album Failure To Launch, I got what they were doing. I didn't enjoy it, but I got it. They were trying to be heavy and be funny at the same time. Some music critics thought it was impossible and that the band could only be seen as a joke, but I knew better. I knew better because of SOD's outstanding, hilarious Speak English Or Die. This 30 minute blast of thrash metal from 1985 was simultaneously heavy-as-anything and also extremely funny. Even in 1985, SOD recognized the political correcting of rock and roll that was taking place (Rock Against Drugs, anyone?) and they were having no part of it. Speak English Or Die is a thrash metal classic with enough riffs and monster leads to satisfy any metal fan… but with lyrics that literally caused my buddy John and I to have to pull over to the side of the road the first time we listened to the album because we were laughing so hard. Songs like The Ballad Of Jimi Hendrix and Chromatic Death and the blistering title track were so much fun. In much the same way as This Is Spinal Tap from the year before, Speak English Or Die both mocked and celebrated everything that is big and dumb and loud and stupid and wonderful about heavy metal. It remains a cherished favorite of mine to this day.

5. One book album that made you cry:

When Layne Staley of Alice In Chains died, my immediate reaction was cynical disgust. I'd been a fan of the band for years, but I'd also heard all the stories about Layne's frequent overdoses and rehab stints. I wasn't surprised to hear that he'd finally OD's and died. "Stupid junkie," I thought. "If he couldn’t clean up and quit taking the drug that he knew was killing him, why should I give a damn? Just one more dead junkie, right? If somebody is bound and determined to kill themselves with drugs or drink or alcohol, then so be it. Screw 'em. Let 'em die."

A year or so after Layne died, I happened to be listening to an old favorite of mine, the Alice In Chains EP Jar Of Flies. It may be that for the first time I actually paid attention to the lyrics on that particular day… or it may just be that I was just a little more sensitive and a little less cynical than usual for some reason. Anyway, the hopelessness and utter sadness of the lyrics hit me for the first time. Songs I'd always liked, such as Don't Follow and I Stay Away… and, most especially, No Excuses… hit me like a ton of bricks. The honesty, the desperation and the pitiable pleas in those songs overcame me. I found myself actually choked up and wiping away a few tears for Layne and for everyone who was ever swallowed whole by an addiction. There but for the grace of God go I.

6. One book album you wish would have been written recorded:

A live album by The Sleestacks would have been awesome.

7. One book album you wish had never been written recorded:

There is one artist… one and only one, about whom I can say the following: I absolutely can not stand a single song she's ever recorded. I hate, loathe, and despise every one of her songs… at least every one of her songs that I've heard. I make a great effort to hear as few of her songs as possible. And so I can say, for certain and without qualification, that I wish every single album and/or song ever recorded by Shania Twain had never been recorded.


8. One book album you are currently reading rediscovering:

I don't suppose I'll ever get tired of Johnny Cash at San Quentin, maybe my favorite live album of all time. Everyone knows and refers to the Folsom album.. and, granted, Folsom really is a masterpiece… but I can't help but prefer San Quentin. This is one album that has so many layers and so much rich texture that I don't think I'll ever hear all of it, appreciate it entirely, or really fully get it's significance. The music itself, of course, is outstanding. Everyone knows A Boy Named Sue, of course… and, yes, it is indicative of the rest of the album. However, it's only a scratch of the surface. There is so much on the San Quentin album. There's an energy… an urgency… about this recording. It might come from the prison crowd, obviously thrilled about the rare occasion of a night designed to entertain them. It might come from Cash himself, only a year or two into his own sobriety and his marriage to the great love of his life, June Carter. It's probably a combination of the two. Songs like "I Don't Know Where I'm Bound" and "Starkville City Jail" make the rapport between Johnny and his audience palpable. The centerpiece of the show, two back to back performances of the protest song San Quentin, literally make my spine tingle… and the closing gospel set of songs wraps it up with an honestly hopeful finale. God bless the record execs at Sony who decided to finally make the entire recording available in 2000. This is a once-in-a-lifetime set, and I get something more out of it each time I hear it.

9. One book album you have been meaning to read listen to:

At Christmas in 2003 I gave Wendy Brand New's album Deja Entendu, and, shockingly, we both enjoyed it very much. It's rare that we both enjoy an album. I can only think of five or six examples. Anyway, both of us liked Deja Entendu and, somewhere along the line, one or the other of us acquired Brand New's previous album Your Favorite Weapon. I remember listening to it once or twice and thinking that it was really good, really solid, and that I'd probably end up enjoying it quite a bit if I'd just keep listening to it. You know how it goes, though. Sometimes an album just falls through the cracks. Now and then I remember that Your Favorite Weapon is among our music collection and I'll feel guilty about not listening to it more than I have. I'm sure that I'll really enjoy that darn CD… if I only give it the chance to win me over!

10. Tag some others:

My usual standby: If you read this and you're inspired to write something similar, consider yourself tagged.

Labels: Blogs, Johnny Cash, Memes, Metallica, Music

More of the usual… religion, rock and roll, and at least one post that's about both:

• The Superman / Jesus Connection
  
  I'm not saying that I agree with this stuff, I’m not saying that I disagree with this stuff, I'm just saying that I read this stuff and I thought it was interesting.
  
  Get Religion has collected various points of view regarding the possible Christian allegory of the Superman story. One clip from the New York Times asserts that…
  
  

  There’s always been a hint of Jesus (and Moses) to the character, from the omnipotence of his father to a costume that, with its swaths of red and blue, evokes the colors worn by the Virgin Mary in numerous Renaissance paintings. It’s a hint that proves impossible not to take…
  
  Every era gets the superhero it deserves, or at least the one filmmakers think we want. For (director Bryan) Singer that means a Superman who fights his foes in a scene that visually echoes the garden betrayal in “The Passion of the Christ” and even hangs in the air much as Jesus did on the cross. It’s hard to see what the point is beyond the usual grandiosity that comes whenever B-movie material is pumped up with ambition and money. As he proved with his first two installments of “The X-Men” franchise, Mr. Singer likes to make important pop entertainments that trumpet their seriousness as loudly as they deploy their bangs. It’s hard not to think that Superman isn’t the only one here with a savior complex.

  
  
  Not everybody buys it. From the Dallas Morning News…
  
  

  …there’s a vital difference from the message of Christianity: The caped, comic book “savior” is not sent to save people from their own evil. “He comes to help us find our potential,” (pastoral professor) Dr. (Reg) Grant said.
  
  In fact, the new movie, despite its Christ imagery, could hardly be less theological. There’s nothing of prayer or heaven. Superman offers salvation only from the perils of this world.
  
  To hammer that point, Luthor steals a quote from science fiction author Arthur C. Clarke: “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” Or, though he doesn’t say so, from divinity.

  
  
  Other commentators find parallels between the new Superman movie and The Da Vinci Code. Honestly, I don't much buy any of this… but it's interesting reading.



• A Return To Musical Reverence At Mass
  
  If you attend a church where the music is reverent and traditional, I really hope you don't take it for granted. It seems like a lot of churches these days… even Catholic churches… are changing over to more "contemporary" sounding music during the worship service. According to at least one source, Pope Benedict would like to see a change. Of course, different sources report the story differently. The UPI version of the story is blunt:
  
  

  Pope Benedict XVI is calling for an end to guitars and a return to traditional choirs in the Catholic Church.
  
  The recital of mass set to guitars has grown in popularity in Italy and in Spain it has been set to flamenco music, the London Telegraph reported.
  
  "It is possible to modernize holy music," the Pope said, at a concert conducted by Domenico Bartolucci, the director of music at the Sistine Chapel. "But it should not happen outside the traditional path of Gregorian chants or sacred polyphonic choral music."

  
  
  It's no surprise that a Catholic news source reports the Pontiff's feelings with more nuance:
  
  

  Pope Benedict said, "An authentic updating of sacred music cannot take place except in the wake of the great tradition of the past, of Gregorian chant and sacred polyphony."
  
  The pope said that in music, as in art and architecture, the church promotes and supports "new expressive means without denying the past -- the history of the human spirit -- which is also the story of its dialogue with God."

  
  
  Speaking for my wife and myself, we prefer the more traditional kinds of church music… pipe organ, choir, etc. Nonetheless, each church has to do the best it can with the resources available to it. The music at the church that our family attends isn't exactly what Wendy and I would like to hear… but part of making a church work is compromise and unity. So we sing along and we don't complain about the guitars, bongos and clarinets. Nonetheless, like I said before, if the church you attend features reverent, traditional music during service, please don't take it for granted.



• Mandatory Metallica
  
  Seems like I have to always feature a Metallica update these days, right? Well, if you're like me… a Metallica fan and a fan of The Simpsons, then you'll probably be amused to know that Metallica will be lending their voices to the program in an episode to air this September. Of course, this won't be the first time Metallica has been animated, and the picture here is yet another link to my favorite Metallica-related cartoon.
  
  By the way, Lars says we should look for the next album about the middle of next year… and James reports that the album is being shaped by jam sessions and full-band collaboration… just like the last one was.



• New Alice In Chains Collection
  
  Sony reports that a 2 CD collection called The Essential Alice In Chains will be released in July. I, for one, am thrilled to hear the news. It's about time somebody put together a good collection of tracks from Alice In Chains albums. Once this comes out, fans won't have to settle for listening to the songs collected in The Greatest Hits collection and The box set and the abbreviated version of the box set and the live album. Now if only Sony would take the incentive to do a "Best Of Alice In Chains" single CD collection, I'd finally feel like I have these same thirty songs collected together in enough different versions.

Labels: Faith, Metallica, Music, News

Here's today's ramblings and absurd observations...

• Our Lady Of The Pruned Tree Branch?
  
  Another one of those "Mary Sightings." Some folks in Cleveland have found an image of the Blessed Virgin in a piece of wood in their backyard:
  

  Donna Vicarrone says it's truly a miracle that she found an image of the Virgin Mary in her backyard. Vicarrone and her husband were clearing out tree branches for a new sitting area. The beauty of one of the branches caught her eye so she kept it. But it was her husband who first saw Mary's likeness.
  
  Since then, the Vicarrone's have shown the tree branch to a local priest and to a local prayer group and they all agree it looks like the Blessed Mother. The Cleveland couple have not yet decided what they will do with the image, but they are hoping to display it somewhere people can view it.

  
  
  I've written about these kind of Mary sightings before, and my take on it then was that these kinds of things were probably harmless and that they had the potential to be good things if they inspired more reverence. Since I wrote that, my attitude has changed a little bit. I've gotten to the point where things like this make me a little uncomfortable.
  
  These days, my personal religious practice involves a great deal of devotion to Mary. I had something of a personal epiphany about Mary a while back, and I've come to love and admire her very much. She means a lot to me and I try to keep her example in the forefront of my mind. I'm at the point now where I almost see these kinds of "Mary sightings" as a bit of a distraction. Mary's life is a wonderful example of Christian devotion and obedience to God. It bugs me a little bit when things like this happen because I don't like the idea of her becoming simply a pop-culture icon. Please keep in mind that all of this is just my opinion and I don't mean to present myself as an authority… I'm just one more sinner trying to follow Christ.



• The Passion Of The Billboard
  
  The Unseen Blogger posted this picture the other day:
  
  

  

  
  
  It's a billboard encouraging people to vote no in a municipal election regarding alcohol sales.
  
  Unseen found the billboard distasteful:
  
  

  Does anyone else, as Christians, find this campaign completely inappropriate and offensive?
  
  What's next? Invoking the name of Christ for jaywalking? Littering? "You crucified Christ again by not recycling that aluminum can!!!" …
  
  Christ's sacrifice was the ultimate sacrifice anyone could make. It should not be trivialized for the sake of self-righteousness.

  
  
  I'm in totally agreement with my bandaged buddy about this. I think it's terribly insulting and that it really trivializes the passion of Jesus Christ. I'm particularly upset that Jesus is presented on the billboard with such an accusatory expression on his face. I don't think that the people who came up with this campaign understand the real point of the passion of our Lord at all. I'm not fit to judge them, of course, I know that… but my impression is that they see the image of the crucified Christ as a valuable tool for use in political propaganda. It's my belief that using Christ to achieve any kind of personal or political objective is blatantly taking the Lord's name in vain.
  
  I'm going to make a further comment that is based on a speculation on my part, so please forgive me for that. My speculation is that this billboard was most likely put up by Christian Fundamentalists… and most of the Christian Fundamentalists I've known have told me that they consider crucifixes to be improper because a crucifix is a "graven image." Look, I can't define irony… but I know it when I see it.



• Spider-Man 3 Stuff
  
  WARNING! Spidey-related links and videos below may contain spoilers!
  
  What appears to be a legit teaser trailer for the next Spider-Man movie has leaked. Well, the trailer itself might not be legit, but it looks like it has some legit footage from the as-yet unfinished film. Watch it below, and then read my comments under the video.
  

  OK, gut reaction: I'm underwhelmed by the trailer.
  
  Looks like they've gone Hobgoblin for Harry Osborn instead of Green Goblin 2. I'm fine with that. In fact I predicted it.
  
  I'm very disappointed by the images of Venom in the trailer. He just doesn't look right. In the comics, Venom is a huge, hulking thing. In this he looks more like a skinny vampire or something.
  
  No peek at Sandman in the trailer? What's up with that?
  
  A lot of info about the movie is supposedly leaking all over the net. Who knows how much of it is real or not. As of right now, my hopes are pretty low. My gut tells me they're trying to cram too much into one movie. They'll never top Spider-Man 2, and I'm actually starting to dread this film.




• United 93
  
  I've posted a review of United 93 at film geeks if you want to read it. Rhodester has also posted a brief story about a friend of his with a personal connection to that flight. Interesting stuff.
  
  
• This Week In Catholicism
  
  In a recent column, Pat Buchanan argues that the abhorrent trend of political correctness is threatening to make Catholicism an unacceptable faith in the political arena. I thought his point of view and the story that inspired it were interesting. By the way, even if Catholicism is under attack here at home, it seems to be growing in South Korea.
  
  
• Live Metallica
  
  A while back I mentioned that Metallica has been doing a new old-school sounding song at recent concerts, and that they've been focusing on their older material live, even playing every track on my favorite Metallica album at recent concerts. Well, if you're willing to shell out a few bucks, you can go download authorized recordings of those recent shows. Personally, I'm unwilling to spend the money, so if you purchase and download those shows, send me a note telling me how they sound. Of course, I'm not suggesting that you send me copies of the shows themselves. Why, that would be wrong! And we all know that Lars wouldn’t approve.



• Bloggery
  
  Chad Is Not Enough is a blog by a fellow new convert to Catholicism. A Catholic Life clued me in to Chad's blog. Sometimes I come across a new blog and just like it right off the bat. This is an instance of that, and I can see me reading Chad regularly.
  
  For more than a year now I've been reading another blog, A Southern Catholic Convert… but the other day I noticed that her blog was gone. I thought it might be a blogger issue, but I noticed today that her blogspot URL has been grabbed up by a new person. I guess I'll take the link down until I find out what this new person is all about.
  
  I mentioned that my old blogspot URL was grabbed up recently. I wish the guy (or gal) who grabbed it would post more so I can get an idea of what he or she is all about, too.
  
  A spambot comment at Where Have You Gone Ronald Reagan ended up leading to a fairly funny comment thread.
  
  Oh, I also found another Catholic blog, Per Christum, with some good stuff by some good contributors. Go check it out.



• Funny… I don't Look Like Famke Janssen
  
  Thanks to a link provided by Wolverine…I mean Rey, I was able to find out which X-man I am:
  

  
  Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0
  created with QuizFarm.com

  
  This particular quiz was far more exhaustive than the one I took a year and a half ago. That one said I was Hank McCoy. I didn't agree with that one and I don't agree with this one, either. The X-man that I'd want to be is Kurt Wagner, the devout Catholic mutant known as Nightcrawler. This stupid quiz said I was Phoenix instead and said that my wife was Nightcrawler… which is dumb because my wife is clearly Kitty Pride. Stupid quiz.

That's all I got for today… and, frankly, that's plenty.

Labels: Blogs, Faith, Metallica, Movies, Music, News, You Tube

It's baaaaaack.

1) What were some of your scariest vehicular experiences, either behind the wheel or as a passenger?

I've been in two serious wrecks, both while listening to Metallica at full blast on my car stereo.

The first was entirely my fault. I was, like, 18 years old and driving irresponsibly. I had Disposable Heroes BLASTING, and I ran a red-light. I hit a Ford Bronco. I was driving a Ford Escort. Both of us were going about 40 MPH. Nobody was seriously injured, although I did get flung into the car windshield and my forehead shattered it. My left side slammed against the driver-side door so hard that I actually embedded the window crank into the car door. I had a big bruise on my arm from that for weeks. I remember walking around at the wreck site, spitting out glass, waiting for the cops and my parents to arrive. Basically, it scared me straight. I've been a careful driver ever since.

Which is why my second accident was not my fault. An old man ran a stop sign and plowed into my car (the same Ford Escort). I was listening to side two of ...And Justice For All at the time, but I'm not absolutely certain what song was playing. I think it was Harvester. Anyway, this time the Escort was totaled. They had to cut me out of the car with the jaws of life and everything. I had a sprained neck, but other than that I was OK. However, since I was complaining of neck pain, of course they strapped me to a gurney and took me to the hospital in an ambulance (Wheeeee!) and did a bunch of x-rays and stuff.

The lesson I've learned is that one shouldn't drive around blasting Metallica at full volume. Unfortunately, I have never once practiced the lesson I learned. I still drive around blasting Metallica on a nearly daily basis.

2) Are you going anywhere fun this Summer, and does Summer even mean the same to you as it did when you were younger?

We try to take summer trips with the kids every year. Amusement parks, natural wonders, museums, etc. This year, with me having missed so much work due to my surgery and because of the surgical bills, we'll have to restrict ourselves to free stuff... hikes, picnics, etc. All of which can be as much fun as anything else. Now that I'm a parent and get to plan the summer trips and get to vicariously experience the fun through our kids, summer trips mean more to me than ever.

3) What was your favorite childhood toy, and how did it influence you over the course of your life?

This is a picture of me on Christmas day when I was eight years old:

'Nuff said.

4) Speaking of childhoods, since I cast a Thundercats movie, Rey cast a Dungeons & Dragons movie, and Wendy made a comment about casting Atlas Shrugged, now it's your turn. Choose a cartoon, novel or other favorite work of fiction that's never been made into a movie, and tell us who you'd like to see star in it. If you're among those who’ve done this exercise before, of course you can do it again with something different.

Ah, crap.

The Shining is my favorite novel, but it's already been filmed twice... once for the big screen and once for TV.

I'd pick a comic book, but nearly all of them have already been made into movies, too.

I'm going to go over to my bookshelf and pick a book at random with my eyes closed. Be right back.

Oh, crap. This is the book I picked: The New Complete Brittany by Maxwell Riddle. This is a training guide for owners of Brittany spaniels, such as our dog Tilda. Not that there's anything wrong with this book. It is, in fact, a very useful book for owners of Brittany Spaniels, especially those who hope to train their dogs for bird hunting. Brittanys are natural born bird dogs.

How am I supposed to cast this book?

Alright, to the extent that our own dog would have a walk-on in the movie, I suppose she should be played by Tilda Swinton. Wendy and I have both been big Tilda Swinton fans for a long time, and that's why we named our dog after her. I think she could probably do a good job playing our dog, too. All she'd have to do is bound into a room on all-fours, jump up on the couch, lick everyone's face, and then lay in the floor and chew manically on one of her own legs for a few seconds... then drift off to sleep. I can see Tilda Swinton in that role. I think she could convey some real sense of the Brittanyness of our dog.

I've just flipped through the book looking for a picture of Maxwell Riddle himself, but there isn't one. I'm not sure who should play him. His name is rather enigmatic, don't you think? Riddle. Something about that name is mysterious. He's clearly an authority on the breed, and yet he's a bit of a puzzle. An authority and a mystery.... Who can pull that off?

Alright, Lawrence Fishburne should play Maxwell Riddle. He'd be kinda like Morpheus in the Matrix movies, only instead of helping people escape the false-reality of the Matrix, he'd be helping Brittany spaniels learn to get along in the human world. He'd say things to our dog like:

The house is a system, Tilda... but the system is your enemy. You look around, what do you see? Carpets? Linoleum? All of which you want to poop on. But remember, you are dependent upon the humans for your sustenance. You must use the system of the humans to get what you want. You want that which is known to us as the doggie treat. You want the scratching on the ear. Use the system, Tilda. Use the doorway. Go through the doorway. Poop outside. But remember, once you go through that doorway, once you poop outside, there's no coming back to poop inside.

As far as casting the other characters, I don't really know. There are some cute puppies pictured in the book. I think they should all be played by Dakota Fanning. Use CGI to replicate her so she can play all the puppies at once... just like they did with Hugo Weaving in the second Matrix movie.

Another Matrix connection.

You know, the more I work on this, the more I realize that my book on how to train Brittany Spaniels was really just a big Matrix rip-off from the start. And, to think, the first time I read it, I thought it was really original. I feel so stupid.

5) Your Current Age/2 = A
A + (A/2) = B
Your Current Age = C

If you say so.

What was your favorite pizza topping at A, B, and C respectively?(Providing the numeric values of A, B, and C is of course optional).

Oh, it's a two part question? Wait a minute. Let me go back and read the first part again.

5) Your Current Age/2 = A
A + (A/2) = B
Your Current Age = C

I don't know what that means. I don't like math. Numbers frighten me and make me uncomfortable. I hate and fear change. Please make the spinning stop. Make the spinning stop, I beg you. Please.

What was that about Pizza again?

What was your favorite pizza topping at A, B, and C respectively?(Providing the numeric values of A, B, and C is of course optional).

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, God, oh, man. Providing the respective numberistric values for my favorite pizza toppings, I would have to say that the answer is 5. Please tell me if I'm right.

I do like pizza. But, I like to eat it rather than do math with it.


SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION: If you could know one thing about MCF that you didn't, what would it be?

The same question that every guy eventually asks every guy buddy of his... if you had to pick one of the original Charlie's Angels, which one would it be?

Labels: Blogs, Dogs, Metallica, Personal

Alright, Copyright Violation Week officially ended with my last post... now it's back to my regular schtick: irresponsible right-wing propaganda, flagrant acts of liable committed against well-meaning liberals, and just your basic nutcase conservative extremist raving. You know how we do, dawg.

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The Many Faces of Al-Zarqawi

I think I like the one in the middle best.

Yes, it is wrong, uncharitable and unChristian to rejoice at anyone's death... but this guy was a monster. I do believe that his death will potentially lead to fewer political murders in Iraq.

I believe it will also probably weaken the moral of Iraq's gangs of thugs that the US media insists on calling "the insurgency." Will someone explain that to me, by the way? Here in America, if you're a psycho killer, we call a spade a spade. Scum-of-the-Earth roving street-gangs that kill people are referred to as just that: Street gangs. The ones in Baghdad, however, are called "The insurgency." That really ticks me off because that term almost sounds like we're dignifying or respecting what they're doing. They're not "insurgents". They're disgusting slaughterers of the innocent. They're criminals. They're nothing more than common murdering hoodlums. Insurgents? Bullsnot.

By the way, some reports indicate that Al-Zarqawi's death has been met by joy in the streets of Baghdad.

Al-Zarqawi's family wants his body returned to them so they can give him a proper Muslim burial. You know what I say to that? Do it. Send them back his body as respectfully as possible. Demonstrate the difference between us and maniacs, such as their son.

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Saint Jimmy Carter... Racist?

I'm not a Jimmy Carter fan, but I never thought of him as a racist and an anti-Semite. Julia Gorin, however, has a different perspective.

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Moore Trouble Every Day

Guess who's getting sued by one of the many people he's told lies about? That lying, hypocritical idiot Michael Moore!

Sgt. Peter Damon, from Middleborough Massachusetts, is suing Moore because he claims that the filmmaker never asked for his permission to use a clip from a previous interview on NBC Nightly News for Fahrenheit 9/11. According to CBS News, Damon lost both arms when the tire on the Blackhawk helicopter he was servicing in Iraq exploded.

Damon alleges that while Moore presents him as disagreeing with the war effort, what he was really discussing in the NBC interview was the pain resulting in his injury.

Go get the S.O.B., Sgt. Damon. Your country supports you and is proud of you. We were proud of you when you served us in uniform and we're proud of you while you serve us by doing what you can to yank the carpet out from under that lying, manipulative, disingenuous, piece of rotting lard from Michigan. Hoooah!

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New Metallica

Metallica have been playing a new song, ostensibly from their upcoming album, at recent shows. The bootleg of the song floating around the net isn't super quality... but, in my opinion, the song itself sounds REALLY promising. Pure Metallica. Reminds me of Ride The Lightning era stuff. Some reports indicate that they've also been playing the classic album Master of Puppets in it's entirety lately. That's gotta sound awesome, considering that new bassist Robert Trujillo is easily the most talented musician who's ever been a member of the band (except, maybe, Lars.) It's encouraging that they've been so enthusiastic about rediscovering their roots lately... especially since they're working on their next album with Rick Ruben, a producer who's been able to get outstanding work out of everyone from Johnny Cash to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It is entirely possible, old school Metallica fans, that our band is coming back to us. Sorry, teenie-boppers. Oh, well... there's always Nickelback.

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I'm Totally 80's!

As evidenced by my certificate below! How 80's are you? Click the graphic below and find out!

Labels: Metallica, News, Politics

When did VH1 become the list show network? Everything they do these days is a list show. Pop Music's Twenty Greatest Divas. The Thirty Most Rockin' Moments of Television History. Forty Celebrity Couple Break-Ups That Rocked Your World.

Whatever.

May, the month that just ended, was Metal Month on VH1. Now that people in my age group are officially old farts, VH1 is trying to cash in on us. We grew up with metal, we still love metal, and VH1 realizes that the people out there with the expendable income... in other words, the people that McDonnalds and Ford want their commercials shown to... aren't driving around in Studebakers listening to Mel Torme and Peggy Lee. Nope. We're driving around in minivans listening to bands like The Scorpions and Van Halen. We're buying onesies for our babies like the one to the right.

So welcome, my fellow mid-to-late-30s headbanging brothers and sisters, to what people in marketing refer to as the Age Targeted Demographic. We are now the people who buy the cars, the televisions, and the laundry detergent. We're the ones who stop and pick up the Happy Meals, and we're the ones who decide what breakfast cereal our little curtain-climbers will be eating each morning. WE are the ones that the marketers want. Therefore, WE are the ones the programmers are trying to please.

You know what that means? HA HA HA HA HA! It means that at last... at long last.... we have realized our goal! We have conquered the world! Yes, my fellow Headbangers, the dream has come true! WE HAVE THE POWER!!

And, therefore, VH1 has had an epiphany... an epiphany in the form of an advertising angel with long hair and a flying-v guitar.

So VH1 presented their current list show the other night, the Forty Greatest Metal Songs Of All Time. Being an unrepentant headbanger who spends much of my time hauling my kids around in our minivan while listening to Metallica, I actually sat down and watched the stupid show. Some of the songs they listed were songs I love, so I was happy to see them on the list. Some of the songs were songs I hate, so I had my obligatory Oh-Ya-Gotta-Be-Kiddin'-Me moments. The song that they named the greatest metal song ever is a song I am so sick of and have come to hate so much that I can no longer be objective about it.

Look, I worked in radio for eight years. There are songs that I have simply because I've heard them over and over and over and over and over and over again. I can't be objective about them anymore. I never want to hear Sweet Home Alabama again. I never want to hear Foxy Lady again. I never want to hear Stairway to Heaven again. And I ABSOLUTELY NEVER EVER want to hear Paranoid again.

Anyway, having sat through the whole stupid show, listening to people like the singer from Papa Roach and some comedian I've never heard of and some porn star (really) spout off about Heavy Metal, I decided to do a little spouting myself.

Therefore, SouthCon is proud to present

The Final, Absolute, Authorized List Of The
Ten Greatest Metal Vocalists Ever

10: Bruce Dickinson
I've written about Iron Maiden before... about how they were the first metal band that actually got me to pay attention to lyrics. Unlike all the other bands out there who were singing about sex, drugs, and rock and roll, Maiden were writing and recording songs about history, epic English poetry, science fiction... you know, stuff a 14 year old kid is interested in. Well, the stuff besides the sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Bruce Dickinson was Maiden's second lead singer and partly responsible for their breakthrough success after their first two albums with another vocalist. Dickinson had a vocal style that became sort of a template for about a thousand bands that followed Maiden. First of all, you had to be able to actually sing. Just screaming wasn't good enough. Secondly, now that you could sing, you had to be able to scream, too. And I don't mean scream like a scared girl. I mean scream like an eagle, like a monster, like a wounded animal. Really call up big, guttural screams from the gut. Dickinson was like a cross between an enraged grizzly bear and Roger Daltrey. Dickinson deserves credit for setting an important standard.

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09: Lemmy Kilmister
The first time anyone sees Motorhead, the first thing they think is "Oh, my lord what an ugly bunch of guys." And, the ugliest of them all is Lemmy, the lead singer and guitar player. Now, the cool thing about Lemmy is that, as ugly as he looks, he sounds even uglier. Lemmy has a voice like a decrepit dumptruck or a half-rusted out motorcycle. He sings from the gut, but that doesn't really describe it. And it's not enough to say he sings from the groin, either. Lemmy sings from his feet; like every ugly ounce of him is being forced through his vocal chords. And there is nobody who could fit Motorhead better. Motorhead embodies an ugly, dirty, greasy element that rock and roll just can't do without. And Lemmy, warts and all, embodies Motorhead. 'Cuz, ya know what? Metal is supposed to be ugly. That's what always bugged me most during the hair-band, glam-rock wussy years in the late '80's when butt-sucking bands like Warrent and Poison and Winger were having hits. Their music was lame, their videos were always on TV, and those guys were just so pretty. God bless ya, Lemmy. God bless you and your big, ugly, gnarly head.

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08: Brian Johnson
With the release of Back In Black, AC/DC did the impossible... they survived the loss of their most distinctive and valuable band member, Bon Scott. And not only did they survive him, they actually continued growing after his death. AC/DC actually refined their sound, with guitarist Angus Young stepping up to become the band's driving force. As important as Angus was in the post-Bon AC/DC, he couldn't have saved the band by himself. And he didn't have to... because the impossible act that AC/DC pulled off was they found the perfect new vocalist to replace the late Bon Scott. Brian Johnson sounded just barely enough like Bon so that his vocals didn't change the AC/DC sound... and yet Brian had something distinctive that was all his own. Brian had a growl, a gravely resonance that just worked with the band's sound. He fit AC/DC just as well as Bon had, but in a different, idiosyncratic way. Johnson's voice is shot these days, but in his day, he was a monster.

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07: Ronnie James Dio
OK, yeah, it's easy to make jokes about Ronnie James. He's a tiny little guy. He takes himself so seriously. The whole Dark Knight of Mystery schtick that he tries to pull off seems silly. But then you listen to songs like "Holy Diver" and "The Last In Line" and you realize that this guy was just made for metal. First of all, metal really is supposed to be kinda pompous, kinda self-important, kinda grandiose. That's part of the appeal. That's part of the escape. And Ronnie James Dio (who is, to my knowledge, 2'10" tall) really delivers the goods on his songs. Those goofy "Ride the tiger through the midnight sea" lyrics actually take on a kind of majesty when Ronnie belts them out. When he sings one of those songs, he actually becomes a dark knight, ready to do battle. When you listen to those songs, you're ready to ride into battle with him.

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06: James Hetfield
I might catch some crap over this one, but I think that James Hetfield of Metallia has always been a damn good Metal vocalist... and I think (here comes the crap-catching part) that he's gotten better and better over the years. Go back and listen to those early albums. Songs like Seek and Destroy and Escape really don't show much vocal range. Oh, yeah, they rock like a mutha, but they don't have a lot to offer vocally. Now, go listen to newer (and, arguably lamer) Metallica albums. Check out the vocals on songs like "Bad Seed" and "Invisible Kid" and "Lowman's Lyric". Say what you want, but the guy's singing just gets better and better. Part of that is because he's becoming more and more confident as a vocalist. Part of it is coming with age, too. Now, I will out myself as a Metallica fan who still enjoys the new stuff, too... but I'm being as objective as I can possibly be when I say that James Hetfield becomes a better and better singer on every album that Metallica releases.

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05: John Bush
Both with his first band, Armored Saint, and on the four albums he did with Anthrax, John Bush proved himself to be one of those guys who was just born to sing metal. He couldn't have done anything else... and, besides, metal needed him. There's a phrase I've heard used to describe a lot of metal singers, and that phrase is "He sings from the balls." I think that phrase may have been invented to describe John Bush's vocal style. Bush can get down really, really deep... he can push his voice into this amazingly raw territory... and he still stays on key, he still sounds melodic, he still sounds great. If you're a metal fan and you don't own Anthrax's album "The Sound Of White Noise", you really don't know what you're missing. It's one of the best metal albums ever... one of my top three albums of any genre... and you have got to own it. Go to half.com and look for it, for Pete's sake. You can probably get it for a couple of bucks... and Bush's vocals on that album will BLOW. YOUR. MIND. I don't know what Bush is doing now that the original line-up of Anthrax is back together and he's out of the band... but I hope he's doing something. Metal needed him twenty years ago and we need him now.

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04: Phil Anselmo
This guy has been in more bands than I can count and has sung on more metal albums than I could try to name... but he is on this list exclusively for his work on two albums and two albums alone: Pantera's Vulgar Display of Power and Far Beyond Driven. There's been a lot of talk since Dimebag Darrell died about how his guitar playing really was the creative force behind Pantera's sound, and I won't deny that for one minute. Still, I can't imagine the two Pantera albums I listed above without Anselmo. Phil Anselmo can do the big, growling, rage scream metal vocal thing better than anybody in the business. A lot of metal bands think that just having a guy do a gravely Cookie Monster sounding scream is good enough for metal. Not so. The thing with Anselmo is, no matter how raw and unhinged he sounded, you could always understand the lyrics and he was always still on tune. Then, on certain songs, he'd stop the "metal" thing altogether and simply sing melodically... and damned if he couldn't do that, too. Even if he had never recorded another album (and, as far as I'm concerned, he didn't), Phil Anselmo would be as high on this list as he is just for Vulgar Display and Driven. Those two albums rock like nobody's business.

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03: Bon Scott
AC/DC's first vocalist and the absolute living personification of rock and roll. I seriously doubt that any of us would have ever even heard of AC/DC if it hadn't been for Bon and his amazing vocal ability. Bon put so much into his vocals; sounding cocky, abrasive, drunk, self-depreciating, and scary all at once. Look up "swagger" in the dictionary and there ought to be a picture of Bon Scott. Look up "Dangerous," look up "Over-The-Top." Oh, heck, just look up "Rock And Roll" and there darn well ought to be a picture of Bon right there. Nobody ever did that full-bore rock-vocal kind of thing before him, and there's been nobody since who could pull it off like Bon did. Even Brian Johnson, AC/DC's excellent replacement for their late singer, was no Bon Scott. Over the years I've heard a thousand bands that sounded to me like their singer was trying to be the next Bon Scott. Remember Ugly Kid Joe? Remember a band called Rhino Bucket? You might not remember either of those bands, and the reason you don't is because they sucked and they faded away quickly. A lesson to metal bands everywhere: Don't try to find the next Bon Scott. There'll never be another.

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02: Mike Patton
Here's another one that might cause me to catch some crap for having him so high on the list... but I don't care. Mike Patton is an AMAZING vocalist. There is absolutely nobody who can do what he can do with his vocal chords. For starters, Patton can actually sing. Listen to tracks like "Take This Bottle" or "A Small Victory" and listen to the guy just flat out sing. He's got chops, man. I'd put him up against anybody you've got. Michael Stipe? Forget it. Art Garfunkel? Don't bother. Patton can out-sing any of 'em. Then, when he gets into his whole freak-out thing... when he starts doing that stuff that he does and that only he does... well, there's just nobody who can come close. That moron who sings with Korn has tried to be the next Mike Patton, and he just looks stupid. Then there's Fred Dust from Limp Bizkit, another weak Patton knock-off. Forget those guys. Mike Patton is the real thing. It is a shame... an absolute crying shame that most people only know him as the singer behind the one hit wonder "Epic." That's a good song, but it doesn't get within 10% of what Patton can do vocally.

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01: Rob Halford
Rob Halford is the greatest singer in the history of popular music. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Halford has never gotten the props he deserves. As far as metal fans are concerned, I think each of us should at the very least send Halford a "Thank You" card through the mail, because the music we love wouldn't have been the same without him. Even if you're not a Judas Priest fan... even if you've never heardJudas Priest, there is simply no denying that Heavy Metal would have faded away and died in the mid seventies without them. Priest saved metal, and Rob Halford is the heart, soul, guts and lungs of Judas Priest. Rob Halford can sing anything. Honestly, he can sing anything. You name it, he could pull it off. Rob Halford could sing opera, country music, hip-hop, polka. Fageddaboudit. Rob Halford is simply the man. There's just no other way to say it. And we metal fans are truly privileged, because Halford loaned his talents to the music we love.

As a personal tribute to Rob, I try to make sure that I always pronounce the word "fortune" just like he does: "FAH-Chune."

Rob Halford is the greatest singer who ever lived. Rob Halford can sing notes that don't even exist yet. Rob Halford's vocals cure the common cold. Don't believe me? Next time you feel sick, listen to "Victim of Changes" and see if you don't feel better.

All hail Rob Halford, the king of heavy metal vocalists.

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There, the list is definitive, eternal, and complete. There is no need to speak of this anymore. If you ever hear anyone arguing about the greatest vocalist (or the ten greatest vocalists) in the history of heavy metal, simply send them to SouthCon and set them straight.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

Labels: Metallica, Music

Some people think I'm crazy because... well, people think I'm crazy for a number of reasons, all of them perfectly valid. Specifically, though, some people think I'm crazy because of my Christian interpretations of a number of rock songs. The thing is, most Christian rock is just boring. What's wrong with Christian rock? I'll tell you what's wrong with it: It sucks. It's awful. There are a hand-full those bands that are decent... I can think of a few Jars of Clay and 12 Stones songs that are OK, and I really enjoy POD and early stuff by King's X... but most of it is just so amateurish. The musicians are mediocre, and for the most part, the lyrics are just tepid. It seems like the really talented musicians and songwriters don't come out of religious colleges, where most of the Christian rock bands are formed. Now and then, though, some of the best secular rock bands write lyrics that seem to fit my spiritual life and my ideas about Christianity... so I end up finding Christian messages in songs that probably weren't written with anything spiritual in mind. Like this song, for example. And this one. Other times, a secular song will have sort of a spiritual element, and I'll find a Christ-centered interpretation of my own, like with this song and with this one.

Of course, I haven't always done this. When I was a teenager, I was pretty heavily into rock and roll for rock and roll's own sake. My parents, of course, frowned on this. I remember being in my late teens and going to see the Monsters of Rock show, with Van Halen, The Scorpions, Dokken, Metallica, and Kingdom Come (remember Kingdom Come? Me neither.) at RFK stadium, and knowing that my parents would have frowned on the debauchery taking place there. I saw the show with my friend's John and Saul, and after the show, when we got back home and dropped Saul off at his house, his dad came out to greet us. He asked us how the show was, and we told him it was OK. John and I were afraid to say too much, because Saul's dad was, after all, a parent. At this point, Saul's dad regaled us with tales of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath show's he'd seen in the '70's. He told us about one show where the cops had come in and, to use his phrase, "teargassed the whole f---ing place, man." John and I listened to these stories in amazement. I remember telling Saul afterwards that his dad was the coolest human being who had ever lived.

Saul's dad was not just interested in the music that we were listening to, he actually shared our taste in music. Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin were like gods to us, and meeting a parent who was a fan just blew our minds. After meeting Saul's dad, I decided that he was the kind of father I wanted to be... I wanted to share music with my son, to be as relevant and hip, musically speaking, as Saul's dad was, and to be just as cool.

I remember when my first wife was pregnant with our son, it was very, very important to me that I pick just the right album for him to hear as his very first album. I agonized over the decision. It had to be an album that represented rock and roll at it's very best. The music had to be perfect, the lyrics had to be perfect, and the arrangement and sequence of songs had to be just as unassailable. It had to be an album that "spoke to me," an album that summed up not just rock and roll but the world and life in general. It had to be something he could brag about to his friends when he was older. I wanted him to be able to say "The very first rock album I ever heard was..." But, what? What would it be? Finally, I decide on what I thought was the perfect album. My son was born at a hospital an hour away from home, and on the car-ride home I played for him, in it's entirety, his first rock album. This rock album. Looking back, I'm still sure I made as good a choice as I could have.

Of course, all his life, I've subjected my son to my music. The (clickable) picture to the right is him when he was just a year or so old, munching on a Ritz cracker, wearing a custom-made onesie that advertised one of my favorite bands. Over the years I've played a ton of music for him, and he's developing a fairly distinct musical taste of his own. When he was only a two or three years old, he could identify just about any song that came on the radio, or at least tell you the artist. "This is Lenny Kravitz," he might say... or "This is Metallica." I remember being in the car with him once, listening to a Top 40 radio station. A Janet Jackson song came on and my son said "This is Garbage." I was surprised at him having made a mistake, since Shirley Manson and Janet Jackson don't sound anything alike. I said "No, actually this is Janet Jackson." To this, he replied "I know. And, it's garbage."

Some of what I've played for him hasn't set well with him. Two bands he flat out hates are Thrice and Faith No More. Faith No More, to put it in his terms, just sucks. His only comment about Thrice was "I have no idea what this guy is trying to say."

He's a big Lyle Lovett fan, though, which I think is just great, because Lyle Lovett is coolness personified. He also likes Toad the Wet Sprocket and Jimmy Eat World and he thinks Fishbone is alright. I'm just glad he's heard Fishbone. How many eight year olds do you know who have distinct ideas about Fishbone? My son is so cool.

I have visitation with him on the weekends, and every Sunday I take him back to his mother, which is an hours drive. When I take him back by myself, we usually have a chance to check out new music. I'll put CDs in for him and ask him what he thinks. Today I decided to try Tom Waits on him. If you've heard Tom Waits, you know that his vocal style is... well, unconventional. I put in the Bone Machine album and went to the track I Don't Want To Grow Up. My son got a big kick out of that song, but asked me if he "always sings that way." I said that he pretty much did, and said that he even sang that way on the slow songs. He asked to hear some more, so I skipped to That Feel and Who Are You This Time, both of which he said were just "weird." I asked him if he'd like to hear some more or hear something else, and he said he'd try some more Tom Waits... so I took out that CD and reached for my copy of Rain Dogs. While I was changing CDs, the radio was on the AM band and was just playing static. After about thirty seconds of static, my son said "He sounds even worse on this song." I laughed and told him that it was just radio static, and he laughed like crazy about that.

I don't know if I'll be considered one of those "cool dads," and I imagine that most dads can't do much to make their teenage kids think they are cool. Oh, well. For now, my son and I have a shared love for music, and for now it's a fun common interest. I know that lot of kids end up rebelling against their parents by getting into music that is offensive and awful. The day might come when that happens. The day might come when he only wants to listen to music that offends and disgusts me. Can you imagine? My own son bringing Shania Twain CDs into my house?

For now, though, it's all good.

Labels: Faith, Metallica, Music, Personal

Salt Lick tagged me with a quick MEME, and at the moment, sitting up is bearable... so I'll do it. Besides, the topic is music, one of my all time favorite topics to ramble about.

1. Total volume of music files on my computer:
On this one, 750. Not sure about the other one.

2. Last CD I bought:
Must have been Prince’s Purple Rain, which I owned on cassette throughout my teens and saw at Wal-Mart for $8.00. I still enjoy it, too, I’m glad to report.

3. Song Playing Right Now:
Nothing… but the last song I heard was “Jenny (867-5309)” on the radio. I'm sure that was the last song I heard... because it's stuck in my head at the moment.

4. Five Songs (or Albums) I listen to a lot or that move me:
Pearl Jam – 10
U2 – The Joshua Tree
Counting Crows – August and Everything After
Metallica - Master of Puppets
Elton John - Madman Across The Water

(That's just five off the top of my head... the first two, Pearl Jam and U2, are probably my two favorite albums of all time.)

You reading this? Consider yourself tagged.

Labels: Blogs, Metallica, Music

Some things, while great on their own, do not go well together. I love Metallica, and I love bluegrass, but I DO NOT love this.

Labels: Metallica, Music

Mozart Better Than Metallica In Surgery

Let's hope your anaesthetist listens to Mozart not Metallica while you're under the knife. Preliminary Australian research suggests playing classical music may be better than rock music in the operating theatre.

Professor Penelope Sanderson from the University of Queensland and team found that patients' heart rates and respiration are better monitored when classical music is playing in the background.

Sanderson admits the choice of tracks may have influenced the results.

"We chose bad 1980s rock/pop", including Bryan Adams, she says. For the classical music the researchers played Bach.

So now I have a new fear... not only am I afraid of possibly dying on the operating table one day, I'm now terrified that the last song my ears will ever take in will be "Summer of '69." Blech. I'd rather check out in some sort of bizarre weed-eater incident than die with Brian Friggin' Adams ringing in my ears. Oh, the horror. The horror.

Labels: Metallica, Music, News

Items you may or may not care about:

n Ed Bark at the Dallas Morning News has a list of the ten most important political commentators on TV. Tim Russert is number 2 on the list. Who’s more important, according to Mr. Bark, than Tim? Read the list and see if you agree.

n George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia, is just the latest campus to cancel a speaking engagement by filmmaker, deceiver, crybaby, and professional asshole Michael Moore. GMU stated that they didn’t think it would have been appropriate to pay Moore’s $30,000 fee out of public funds. Moore told CNN he’d have spoken at GMU for free… but he never told GMU that.

n Mike Argento at the York Daily Record spotted a Bush campaign sign right beside a Kerry sign in the same yard and couldn’t resist asking the family about their conflicting views.

n I wrote a few days ago about the Roanoke Times editorial endorsing Kerry. I disagreed with it, and so does Virginia Tech professor Chris Hall.

n Last week, the rock band Jimmy Eat World released a staggeringly good new album called Futures. Wendy and I both loved their last album… Wendy bought the new one, and after a couple of listens, we agree that the new album is amazing. Imagine my disappointment when I read that the lyrics are intended as an anti-Bush tirade. Rock stars… what the hell can you do with ‘em?

n Speaking of rock and roll… I’m a diehard Metallica fan, as you may already know. If I weren’t a Christian, my religion would be Metallica Fan. Linda Laben at the Boston Herald reviewed Metallica’s show in Boston last night and managed to read political meaning into the Sergio Leone film clip the band used to open the show. Laben implies that the clip had an anti-war message… but she’s probably seeing what she chooses to see. Metallica may be one of the most conservative/libertarian rock bands out there (check out the lyrics to “Don’t Tread On Me,” “Eye of the Beyolder,” and my choice for the Bush campaign song, “Better Than You.”) Besides, Metallica’s lead singer, James Hetfield, reportedly despises liberals.

n And, briefly, thanks a lot to those of you who posted comments and/or sent e-mails congratulating me on our marriage. It's been nice to hear from well-wishers.

Labels: Metallica, News, Politics