Wednesday, March 25, 2009

 

Fear Of Silence



I keep realizing little things; things that emphasize how much I came to depend on Wendy over the past eight years.

I don't know how to work our alarm clock. It's been on her side of the bed this whole time. She's the one who sets it, she's the one who turns it on and off. It's her who always pounded the snooze button. I don't think she's planning to take it with her when she leaves in two weeks ... but either way I'm going to either have to learn to work that alarm clock or I'm gonna have to get a new one and learn to work that one.

I may have never even touched our alarm clock, in fact.

I don't know much about how to work our TV remote, either. Wendy usually always picked what was on TV, and I rarely cared to watch anything other than the news. As far as controlling the DVR feature, setting it to record, etc, I'm gonna have to learn all of that.

And those are the little things. I don't even have the words to explain how it feels to realize that, soon, when I come home every day from work, she won't be here. She'll be gone, my step-kids will be gone. Gone. Except for the weekends and holidays and summer days when I have my son, this house is going to become a void. The silence will be suffocating.

It's been different during the times when I was at home by myself over the past eight years. Those times were infrequent and usually kinda brief. I enjoyed the silence in those instances. Sometimes, during the chaos of day to day life, I thirsted for silence. Soon I'll be drowning in it.

I can't sit in here and stare at the walls. I have to get out and do stuff. I have to visit extended family and see my friends more. If I sit here and listen to all this nothing I think I'll just become part of the nothing.

I start graveyard shift tonight. The kids are at school, Wendy is at work. She gave notice yesterday. I'd planned to get out today, but it's too rainy and cold out to go walk for exercise. Instead, I blew the dust off the recumbent exercise bike we bought years ago and used it for 40 or 45 minutes. It was tiring, but I'm glad I did it.

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Just so you know after marriage #1 failed I went out and got a puppy. It was the best thing I ever did. I had less shit to clean up from the doggie than from the man, and the dog love me more.
 
Does your company offer tuition assistance? It might be a good time to take classes and become an IT professional, welder, etc. If I were single, I'd attend University of Pheonix online courses and become what I've always wanted to be: a pimp.

Sincerely,
The Governor
 
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