I'm gonna have fun with this one.

The list of people that I'd like to
hit in the face with a shovel* includes:

Janeane Garofalo

Remember Janeane Garofalo? She was one of those "rising stars to watch" back in the '90's. And if you did watch this rising star, you saw her fizzle out in a rather nondescript fashion. The highlight of her career was probably a Ben Stiller vehicle called Mystery Men, a movie that few people saw and far fewer people could stomach.


Well, Janeane Garofalo appeared on the Keith Olbermann Trainwreck the other night and made the following pronouncements:

• "...any female or person of color in the Republican party is struggling with Stockholm Syndrome."


• "...the type of female that does like Rush (Limbaugh) is the same type of woman that falls in love with prisoners."


• Michael Steele is "the black guy in the Republican party who suffers from Stockholm Syndrome, which means you try and curry favor with the oppressor."

Olbermann agreed that Steele suffers from "self-loathing."

Now, "self-loathing" seems to be an obsessive topic with Garofalo, judging from her imdb biography.I mean, damn... we're talking about a woman who named her production company I Hate Myself Productions.

And this is a woman who had breast reduction surgery "to get people to pay attention to me without mocking me," so self-image problems seem to be a constant in her life. It's not at all surprising to find out that she has fifteen tattoos. And, hey, nothing wrong with tattoos. I have a couple of 'em myself. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, sometimes a tattoo is just a tattoo. And sometimes a self-hating narcissist who's obsessed with her physical appearance becomes addicted to body modification in a transparent attempt to turn herself into someone she can stand to look at.

But, hey, Garofalo's turnip-like countenance is hardly the worst thing she has going for her. We're not talking here about someone who's blessed herself with a lifetime of smart decisions. Continuing at her imdb biography, with the text I've pulled directly from that source in green:

• Was offered the role of Gale Weathers in the movie Scream (1996/I), but turned it down to do the movie Sweethearts (1996). Courteney Cox then got the role and Scream (1996/I) which went on to gross more than $100 million, whereas Sweethearts (1996) went straight to video.
  
  (I'm sure that Sweethearts was a very special film. I'd like to see it and review it. I'll check for a copy next time I'm at Dollar Tree.)


• Was the original choice to play Monica on "Friends" (1994), but turned down the role.
  
  (Monica ... that was Courteney Cox too, right? Maybe this is a trend? The Courteney Cox Success Plan? Just follow around a stupid person, watch what they do, do the opposite.)


• Wrote a book with Ben Stiller: Feel This Book : An Essential Guide to Self-Empowerment, Spiritual Supremacy, and Sexual Satisfaction (1999).
  
  (At the moment you can pick up that indispensable comic tome at half.com for seventy-five cents. But, hey, if you want quality, you gotta spend the big bucks for it. This is, after all, in hardback. {screengrab})


• Married boyfriend Robert Cohen in 1992 at a Las Vegas drive-in chapel as a joke. They had gone to Vegas with the rest of the cast of "The Ben Stiller Show" (1990) and decided to get married along with some of the other crew members. After their relationship ended they never officially got divorced.
  
  (But, jeez ... a quickie marriage on a whim in Vegas? Why bother getting a real divorce? It's not like you'd had a real marriage.)



• Auditioned for the role of Marla Singer in Fight Club (1999).
  
  (Of course, David Fincher gave that role to Helena Bonham Carter. Fincher apparently has this thing about working with actors who can actually act and have talent and junk.)


• Was offered the Dorothy Boyd role in Jerry Maguire (1996) by Cameron Crowe, if she could lose weight, but after trimming down, she learned that Renée Zellweger had won the part instead in what was to become a career-launching smash hit.
  
  (Well, in fairness, Zellweger was able to lose weight and, you know, act. So it was kinda a double-whammy, there. I think of this as Janeane's "Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!" moment.)
  
  (But, then again, maybe her real "Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!" moment was when Christine Taylor, who actually played Marcia in the Brady Bunch movies, stole away Janeane's long-time boyfriend Ben Stiller. D'OH!)
  
  (And they didn't even give Garofalo a role in the Brady Bunch movie, and that sucks because she was just right for Oliver.)


• She has referred to "Saturday Night Live" (1975) as the worst experience in her professional life.
  
  (I'd forgotten that Garofalo was ever on SNL. Ya know, I guess not just anyone can use that program as a stepping stone to move to better things. And Janeane Garofalo just never had the comic chops, the gifts, or the good looks of, say, Chris Farley.)

Now, a patient, empathetic blogger ought to be able to look at Garofalo's history of failures, flops, missed opportunities and disasters and feel some pity for her. A kindhearted blogger ought to view Janeane's recent crappy remarks as nothing more than an indication of the pitiful bitterness and perpetual regret that must haunt her life. Yeah, a blogger with any compassion at all ought to be able to give her the benefit of the doubt.

But I ain't that guy.

Instead, I hereby offer Janeane Garofalo a shovel to the face.

Today, Dan has the honor of standing in for a miserable, washed-up, pretentious, leathery old has-been named Janeane Garofalo:

*Disclaimer: The author doesn't actually wish physical harm upon anyone on this list, although he really doesn't care that he'll be branded a misogynist for placing Garofalo on this list. The author doesn't intend to encourage anyone to actually, physically hit anyone on this list with a shovel. In the event that someone does actually hit anyone on this list with a shovel, the author respectfully insists that the shovel-swinger must not pull some kind of John Hinckley/Jodie Foster deal and say that it was done to impress the author. The author reserves the right, though, to snicker quietly if someone actually does hit someone on this list in the face with a shovel. But I don't want anyone to physically hit Janeane Garofalo. She's been through enough, really, and there's no reason to expect anything more than continuing failures, disappointments and second-bests in her future. She's just done.

Labels: The Shovel List