Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Movie Review: Rob Zombie's Halloween
Synopsis
In Rob Zombie's remake of John Carpenter's 1978 horror classic, serial killer Michael Myers escapes from confinement to bring murder and terror to his hometown.
Pros:
- Uh… let me think…
- …Ummm… there has to be something positive...
- This remake really makes you appreciate the original film. That's all I got.
Cons:
- This movie isn't scary.
- Slow. Boring. Predictable. Completely goofy. An utter and complete waste of time. This movie is crap.
Generally:0 on a five scale. As lame and pointless a remake as I've ever seen.
Extended Review:
If Rob Zombie is the master of modern horror, then horror is dead. I haven't seen Zombie's first movie, House Of A Thousand Cliches, but I thought his second film, The Devil's Rejects, was tedious, tiresome, and utterly uninspired. Now, with his remake of John Carpenter's classic Halloween, Zombie seems hell-bent on making it extremely hard for his fans to justify his career as a director. I've seen some bad remakes, and I've seen a great many stupid, insulting horror films … but it's rare that I see a bad remake that's this stupid and insulting. Rob Zombie's Halloween absolutely sucks.
There isn't much to say beyond that. I guess I could give some specifics; cite specific reasons that this film is so bad. How about some of the following:
- John Carpenter knew how to make his boogeyman scary. The Michael Myers of the original film was an enigma. We knew next to nothing about him, only that he was brutal and murderous and seemingly unstoppable. Zombie, however, apparently thought that the thing to do was give us a ton of Michael Myers back-story. It takes Zombie 45 minutes to establish the same back-story that Carpenter established in fewer than ten minutes. In the process, Zombie manages to make Michael Myers so mundane that he got on my nerves rather than scared me.
- In Rob Zombie's world, there is apparently a large butcher's knife within reach at least every ten feet. I've never seen this much cutlery on the Home Shopping Network.
- Everyone in the movie … everyone … uses the f-word. Kids. Parents. Old people. Doctors. Cops. I don't remember any nuns in the movie, but if there had been any, I'm sure Zombie would have had them interjecting the f-word into the prayers of the Rosary. I'm no linguistic prude, but come on! There are people who don't drop the f-bomb every seven words!
- As an apparent homage, Zombie retains in his film a number of elements of the original. The trademark Michael Myers mask, the theme music, a number of leitmotifs. These "homages" only served as constant reminders that the original film was much better.
- Zombie seems intent on casting his wife in every film he does, in a major role, no matter how inappropriate. In Halloween, Sheri Moon Zombie plays the killer's mother … and just to remind us how hot Zombie thinks his wife is, his version of the killer's mother is a stripper. And, yes, the movie includes the prerequisite workin'-the-pole dance scene. Nothing ruins a movie like these kinds of superfluous "Oh, come ON!" moments.
I watched Zombie's Halloween remake purely out of curiosity, even though most of the movie critics in the world tried to warn me that it was a waste of time. I swear, I will never waste another second of my life on another Rob Zombie project. This is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. The first Halloween was a genuinely scary thrillride. This one is a boring, childish, consistently bad pile of garbage. Zombie should be forced to watch this film over and over again until he says "Oh, I get it. This is really lame." And then promises to never make another movie again.
Don't make the mistake I made. Don't waste 109 minutes of of your life on Rob Zombie's Halloween.
Don't even waste time on the trailer:
Labels: Entertainment, Movie Reviews, Movies
Permalink -- Posted by Darrell at 11:25 
Comments:
Links to this post:
<< Home
Wow, I have to disagree with you on this. I loved the whole back story and explanation about why he became the person/thing he was. It could have been better at times; but 0 out of 5? Come on...
I would have to disagree with you on this as well. Its a remake so of course its going to be predictable if you know the story. Second, the movies I went to (which was in the south mind you) people screamed and yelled all through the movie. Maybe the people you go to the movies to are just desensitized. I think this was a horrible review...
# posted by 
: 11:55 PM
: 11:55 PM
the 2 fools who have "had to disagree with you" on your comments what a pair of idiots i thaught the film was the worst film i have ever seen it made me feel so angry i nealy smashed my tv up the film sucked ass from start to finish rob zombies direction and dialogue is absolutely laughable the films a complete joke i have seen him talk in the extras and he seems to talk about J.C. and the original film with contempt like he has just bettered the film a million times. the guy has toys in his head i love your comment about horror being dead today and if he is todays greatest horror director then we are truely in trouble halloween is what started the whole slasher genre off and for a total prick like zombie to even try to remake it just shows the ego on the idiot stick to music dick head your films and direction blow in the very worst kind of way the narration of mcdowell was laughable how he spoonfed the audience (which goes to show what the director thinks of his audience in the 1st place deeeerrrr i dont get it) "michael is going deeper out of reality now into the deepest darkest recesses of his mind he is pure evil" etc etc etc oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo creepy and frightening and he gets this from seeing an ugly ( and you gotta agree with me the kidis mighty ugly) kid colour in shitty masks all day i gotta go or ill upset myself for the day bottemm line the film sucks direction sucks and rob zombie sucks cheeky bastard burn in hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
# posted by : 5:20 AM
: 5:20 AM
Okay, if anyone really needs a tutorial on why this load was crap you really have no business writing on the behalf of any horror movie. Your a f&*king tool !! The backstory was lame nimrods because in the original ( which this movie was suppose to be an homage to ) michael myers didn't need a reason or motivation ( like a bad childhood) to kill. He was just plain evil incarnate. The backstory changes that premise which was the heart of what made him so terrifying. Just because it's a horror movie doesn't mean it should be sloppy. It seems next to directing mr. zombie didn't believe in the importance of transitions. Carpenter's story showed michael myers stalking his victims before leading up to killing him. Zombie seemed to have neglected that, so we never truly understand how Myers was able to locate where his victims would be before killing them, and by the way still have enough time to find his intended victim his sister. Zombie gave him a heart, if he really had an appreciation for this movie he'd recognize Michael Myers lacked humanity and that's what made him a true horror icon.
It's details like that, which separates a real horror classic from a crap remake..
Post a Comment
It's details like that, which separates a real horror classic from a crap remake..
# posted by : 8:49 PM
: 8:49 PM Links to this post:
<< Home
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
