Saturday, June 09, 2007


The ShawSKANK Redemption

I haven't written much about the Paris Hilton jail fiasco because ... well, I don't care. When she was ceremoniously released from jail the other day, I thought "That figures." I heard that Sheriff Lee Baca had released her due, in part, to a "medical condition" and I thought "I guess her system locks up if she goes more than two days without doing coke and blowing a rich stranger." Big deal.

Then I found out that Paris had been thrown BACK in jail and ... man, I gotta admit, I haven't stopped giggling yet.

I don't know about you, but I look at the picture of Paris below, in a patrol car headed back to lock-down, and I have to think "That's hot."

By the way, I hereby nominate Judge Michael Sauer for the title of Supreme Coolest Dude Who Ever Walked On The Friggin' Planet Earth.

And I nominate Sheriff Lee Baca for the title of Schmuck Of The Moment. As it turns out, this let-the-rich-girl-loose garbage isn't even the worst of his recent offenses:

Just last month, Baca raised eyebrows by approving five new reality shows based on the doings of his 9,000-employee department, including its crime lab, patrol cars and homicide unit.

Last year, Baca's Homeland Security Support Unit -- a 50-member team of business leaders who included political donors -- was a subject of inquiries after it was revealed that they received official-looking badges with Sheriff's Department emblems and photo identifications bearing Baca's signature. Attorney General Jerry Brown's office said Friday that a legal opinion on the matter of whether state agencies can issue official-looking identification is now pending.

Maybe the attention will end up costing this moron his job and the good people of LA will get a new Sheriff who's interested in ... what is it again? Oh, yeah... ENFORCING THE DAMN LAW.

Oh, yeah ... if you're curious, here's the document that Judge Sauer signed to send Paris back to jail. Even the handwriting is sexy:

Turns out, that little piece of paper trumps the pieces of paper that the Hilton clan had tried to use to get Paris out of jail:

And, last but not least, I'll wrap up with my favorite piece of video from this debacle... this is a press conference wherein it's announced that Paris has to go back to jail. If you listen closely, you can hear the actual audio of my reaction to the news. (This video is 25 seconds long and shouldn't take more than a couple of minutes to load, even if you recently had to go back to dial-up.)

Look, I know that it's wrong to draw pleasure from someone else's suffering. Even a spoiled, rich, slutty brat who represents everything that's wrong with the world deserves peace of mind. I know it's wrong for me to be enjoying this.

Sorry. Can't help it.

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As we sat in traffic for FORTY minutes today, trapped because of what we eventually learned was a car fire, 1010 WINS spent an inordinate amount of time covering this "news". There was also some little snippet about Howard Dean, some presidential election, and something about a war somewhere, but mostly this all news talk radio station spent time on what matters: Paris. It's ridiculous.

I don't know what she's crying about. The house arrest and prison experiences of people like her and Martha Stewart are probably STILL better than my day to day life as a free man.
MCF: mostly this all news talk radio station spent time on what matters: Paris.

Oh, I agree, it's stupid to pay this much attention to this. Typically this is the kind of "news item" that disgusts me, but I get a huge kick out of this particular load of crap. Something about Paris Hilton just makes me thoroughly enjoy seeing her suffer.

I love the quotes I've read from her recent press release:

"Today I told my attorneys not to appeal the judge's decision. While I greatly appreciate the Sheriff's concern for my health and welfare, after meeting with doctors I intend to serve my time as ordered by the judge."

I am sure that Judge Sauer is relieved to hear that. If Paris didn't "intend to serve" her time, he might have to sign another form making her do so.

Then, there's this:

"This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. During the past several days, I have had a lot of time to reflect and have already learned a bitter, but important lesson from this experience."

I have no doubt that this is the hardest thing she's ever done... but that's just an indication of how pampered her life is. And she says she's learned a bitter lesson? Yep. It's just an unavoidable fact that there's just no justice for the rich white debutante in this biased country. I understand that other debutantes all over Beverly Hills are practically rioting about this. Some of them have been... gasp! ... sending back their fois gras without even tasting it! No justice, no peace!

A source at the jail says that Paris has been crying and praying a whole lot. Praying? Who the hell would PARIS FRIGGIN' HILTON pray to? Stephen Cojocaru, maybe?

And get this, the "medical condition" that Sheriff Marshmallow released Paris for is indeed a "mental condition." The symptoms? She's been withdrawn and not eating. Imagine that. A rich skinny bitch not eating. GASP!
I love how the guy freaks out at the end. I thought that was added on at first, but I see that is for real.

But check this out from the MTV Movie Awards

And the people cheered! look at the look at Paris' face.
Found this as well.
IMO the only good thing that came out of this whole fiasco was that finally something wiped the vacuous look from Paris' face.

I chuckled LOUDLY at my desk when checking the news that day. Then laughed even LOUDER when that guy goes "NOOOOO!" Was that Penn from the Penn and Teller duo?
good title---bi, brilliant title
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