Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Conservatives, Liberals and Libertarians: A Primer
Lately, there has been a tremendous clamoring for me to explain the differences between conservatives, liberals and libertarians. The urgency, the enthusiasm and the desperation of this outcry has become such that I can no longer ignore it, in spite of the fact that it is a figment of my imagination.
Therefore, I've decided to post something of a primer on these distinct social philosophies.
I realize that, at first glance, much of what I've written below will seem like a collection of ill-informed generalities. I can only beg for the reader's patience. Read my ideas, consider my point of view, and I'm sure that you'll find that what might have seemed at first to be a set of generalities is, in fact, a pack of irresponsible lies.
Conservatives, Liberals and Libertarians;
A SouthCon Primer
What is a conservative?
Conservatives are people who value God, country and family above all other things. It is sometimes said that conservatives "hate and fear change." This is almost correct. In fact, conservatives welcome necessary changes that benefit the common good. However, they do resist changes that seem spurious and random. For instance, most conservatives are still miffed about the whole New Coke thing. Conservatives believe that it takes a family, not a village, to raise a child. They believe that Paris Hilton deserves at least 45 days in jail. They also believe that there'll never be another TV show as good as Andy Griffith. It's possible that conservatives need to get out more. A list of noteworthy conservatives would include Abe Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, Thomas Sowell, Batman, Moses and Ted Nugent.
What is a liberal?
Liberals are people who believe that all of society's ills can be cured by the creation of new laws, an increase in government spending, and several hours spent in a drum circle. Liberals like to use the word "plight" a lot. They reject outdated notions, such as patriarchal rule, religion, individual accountability and personal hygiene. Liberals believe in peace and kindness, and they frequently show it by gathering together in groups and throwing rocks at police officers. Liberals live by many creeds, most of which can be found on their bumper stickers. One classic liberal creed is If you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish, then you damn well better be a card-carrying member of the teacher's union. A list of well-known liberals would include Alec Baldwin, Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Lisa Simpson, Michael Stipe and Wavy Gravy.
What is a libertarian?
Libertarians support the preeminence of individual liberty and the free-market system. Generally, libertarians reject all forms of government that limit personal freedom in any way, and many advance the belief that the best form of society is a combination of capitalism and anarchy. This belief is technically known as "dumb." While there is a relatively small and innocuous political party in America known as "The Libertarian Party," most people who consider themselves libertarian aren't members of that party. Apparently, they aren't that dumb. A list of famous libertarians would include MTV's Kennedy, Murray Rothbard, Dr. Evil, Penn Gillette, Garfield the cat and Satan.
Conservatives, Liberals and Libertarians
On The Issues
Government
The Conservative Position
Conservatives believe in limited government. Since government generally does what it does badly, conservatives believe that the less government does, the better.
The Liberal Position
Liberals believe that the government could, if it chose, solve every problem in the world. Typically, liberals believe that most problems could be eliminated if the government would create a bunch of new laws and enforce them, across the board and equally, on all wealthy white males.
The Libertarian Position
Libertarians believe in the individual's complete and universal freedom, and that all individuals have the right to have this kind of freedom imposed upon them whether they want it or not.
Religion
The Conservative Position
Conservatives typically adhere to religions traditionally described as "orthodoxy." They practice these religions by worshiping God.
The Liberal Position
Liberals typically adhere to religions traditionally described as "universalism." They practice these religions by worshiping trees … or whales … or stars … or staplers … or whatever you might have lying around the garage.
The Libertarian Position
Libertarians typically adhere to a religion described as "atheism." They practice this religion by worshiping a dead, adulterous novelist named Ayn Rand.
Altruism
The Conservative Position
Conservatives tend to rely on the decency of the individual to provide for the impoverished. They believe that, while charity begins at home, once the means become available, it shouldn't end there. Nonetheless, conservatives believe that education and the development of self-reliance are the best gifts you can give anyone.
The Liberal Position
Liberals believe that the best way to help the poor is to take everyone else's money and distribute it among those who aren't as well off, thereby creating a cycle of dependency that insures that the poor stay poor and dependent.
The Libertarian Position
Libertarians subscribe to a philosophy known as "objectivism," and therefore tend to care very little about the poor. Objectivism is a combination of indifference, greed, and hedonism … albeit a kind of hedonism that doesn't involve bikinis and venereal diseases.
Taxes And Spending
The Conservative Position
Conservatives believe that everyone should pay their fair share of taxes, but many conservatives believe that a flat tax is the fairest system. Conservatives tend to see the democratic process as the best method by which to determine how common resources will be employed.
The Liberal Position
Liberals believe that the government makes money out of thin air and that it has a zillion billion gazillion dollars squirreled away in a cave somewhere, and that it could spend that money making everything all better, but it won't because of those damned Neocons.
The Libertarian Position
Libertarians don't believe in paying taxes. They believe that the roads will be maintained by Civil Service Fairies who will come out at night and sprinkle Magic Paving Dust.
Drug Abuse
The Conservative Position
Conservatives believe that drug abuse is destructive, and that the government, as an agent of the people, should try to prevent people from harming themselves (or vulnerable young people) with drugs.
The Liberal Position
Liberals believe that the purple cockroaches crawling out of the sink will go away if they just cool out, think happy thoughts, and enjoy the trip, man.
The Libertarian Position
Libertarians believe that personal liberty should include the right of the individual to indulge in recreational drugs if he or she wants to. Libertarians might experiment with drugs themselves, but nobody likes them well enough to tell them who's holding.
Popular Culture
The Conservative Position
Conservatives refuse to accept that everything done in the name of "art" is worthwhile. Conservatives tend to think that "gangsta rap" is stupid.
The Liberal Position
Liberals refuse to accept that Pearl Jam has completely sucked since 1993. Liberals tend to think that NASCAR is stupid.
The Libertarian Position
Libertarians refuse to accept that Atlas Shrugged is so boring that many people who've tried to read it have died from B.I.H. (Boredom Induced Hemorrhaging). Libertarians tend to think that you are stupid.
The Media
The Conservative Position
Conservatives like to listen to Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glen Beck and Laura Ingraham.
The Liberal Position
Liberals like to listen to "Weird Al." That's Weird Al Frankin, Weird Al Sharpton and Weird Al Gore.
The Libertarian Position
Libertarians like to listen to Neil Boortz. They also like to listen to the faint, shrill sucking sound of their own souls imploding.
Lifestyles
The Conservative Position
Conservatives believe in the nuclear family, in marriage as a loving contract between a man and a woman, and in the sanctity of life.
The Liberal Position
Liberals believe that Heather has two mommies. Unless one of those mommies decided that she didn't want Heather and had her killed in the womb. Then, liberals believe that Heather never really existed in the first place.
The Libertarian Position
Libertarians believe that all human relationships should be whatever we want them to be, and that sex is what we make of it. Some day, libertarians hope to actually have sex with someone.
The Eastwood Example
As with most things, I've found that everything that you really need to know about conservatives, liberals and libertarians can be learned from watching Clint Eastwood movies. I'll close with these character summaries from Eastwood films; summaries that explain it all as well as anything else:
Clint The Conservative
Clint's character Harry Callahan, from the movie The Enforcer, is the ultimate conservative. Harry Callahan believes in law and order and he's willing to risk his life and do what he has to in order to maintain law and order … even if that means getting his hands a little dirty.
Clint The Liberal
Clint's character Frankie Dunn from the movie Million Dollar Baby embodies much of what defines modern American white liberalism. That is to say, he believes in assisted suicide and he bitches and complains a lot.
Clint The Libertarian
Clint's unnamed character from the spaghetti western A Fist Full Of Dollars is a classic libertarian. He doesn't care about anyone but himself, he plays both ends against the middle, and he ends up laughing all the way to the bank.
Labels: Greatest Hits, Humor, Politics
Here's another one: The Patriot Act.
Conservatives believe the Patriot Act is an essential tool in fighting terrorism and point to the fact that there hasn't been a terrorist attack in many years as evidence of this.
Liberals believe the Patriot act is a good idea, but mistimed, and are waiting until they get control so they can use it in the way it SHOULD be used: Against the REAL terrorists, white males, manmade climate change deniers, and opponents to abortion, the sacrament of the feminist church.
Libertarians are vehemently against the Patriot act, and are driven even more crazy by the thought of teams of FBI and homeland security agents who are watching their every move, their every e-mail, web site hits, and Ayn Rand objectivist society meetings.
The opposoite of Libertarians are Authoritarians. True conservatives generally stop their desires for government intervention at the sanctity of life. Authoritarians believe it should be extended beyond that, and can't wait until cell phones are outlawed because they are annoying, talk radio is silenced because it is annoying, SUVs are abolished because they are annoying, toilet paper is limited to one sheet per movement, etc. For a picture of an authoritarian, think about that old man in your neighborhood who's whole life was consumed by "keeping those dang kids out of my yard!" Authoritarians, like libertarians, appear on both sides of the political spectrum.
By the way, do you know where I can get some of that magic paving dust? My driveway is in some serious need of repairs.
Excellent post, Darrell. And you've been tagged on my blog!
: 6:08 PM Just kidding. Great post Darrell. This one goes directly in your greatest hits file.
Although I consider myself a consertive, I would rather hang out with the people listed in the Libertarian group. I had all but forgot how I used to be in love with Kennedy. She was a hottie.
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