Monday, February 12, 2007

 

The SouthCon True Hollywood Story: Grammys '07 Edition



The 2007 Grammy Awards were held last night, and I think we can all agree that it was easily the best, most glamorous and most important Grammy Awards program in the glamorous and important history of the Grammy Awards. WOW! What an amazing evening! Let's take a look at just a few of the glamorous and important award winners who won important, glamorous awards last night:

The award for Soul Performance Of The Year was presented to the late James Brown for the post mortem Soul Kiss he engaged in with Michael Jackson during his funeral in Augusta, Georgia. Recording Academy members were deeply moved when Jacko planted a big smacker on the the remains of "The Godfather Of Death," many of them saying that watching an apparent alien make out with a corpse "wasn't the least bit creepy. Besides, it was nice to see MJ taking advantage of a male over the age of 15."

Meanwhile, Barbra Streisand was awarded the prize for Soulless Performance Of The Year for "Shut The F--k Up!" … a performance art piece she dedicated to fans at her October concert at Madison Square Garden. Some of the fans at that show who'd paid money to hear Babs sing had expressed disappointment when she decided instead to engage in political posturing with a George W. Bush look-alike. Streisand launched impromptu into "Shut The F--k Up!" in response, wowing the crowd with her ability to freestyle as well as 50 Cent. The piece proved to be the apex of a stunning set. In fact, one fan in attendance reported that Barbra's actual soullessness was only apparent if you "looked directly into her eyes or listened to her express her ideas."

Female Performance Of The Year honors went to Paris Hilton, who's debut disc has been praised by critics. Note that it's the disc itself, and not the music it contains, that the critics have praised. The music is wretched. The CD itself, however, has been called "shiny and flat with a nice, useful hole." Hilton's fans embraced such reviews of the disc, noting that those are the same qualities that they admire in the popular heiress.

Clay Aiken was recognized as Male Performer Of The Year for failing to release an album in 2006. By refraining to release an album which would have surely spawned a few hit singles on adult contemporary radio, Aiken spared us all some measure of pain and frustration. Anxious music fans hope that next year the award will go to Justin Timberlake … and for the same reason.

In a Grammys first, the award for Record Of The Year wasn't awarded for singing or for playing musical instruments, but for dancing. The Dixie Chicks were recognized for their remarkable record of doing the Jitterbug, the Twist and the Hustle in a desperate attempt to reestablish a fan-base with someone … anyone. The Chicks began their bizarre dance when singer Natalie Maines told a European audience that she was ashamed of President George W. Bush. The remark provoked the ire of the group's fans, many of whom somehow found it irresponsible to attack the president on foreign soil during wartime. A tearful Maines immediately retracted her remarks, and then in an apparent attempt to sell records to Pearl Jam fans, soon retracted her retraction. Meanwhile, sales of the groups most recent album and concerts have been disappointing by artist and genre standards, in spite of VH1's nearly continuous airing of the video for the first single, "Not Ready To Make Money". In total, the Dixie Chicks won forty-leven Grammys last night, good news for Sony Music executives who hope that the publicity might end the Dixie Chicks' most recent dance, "the Flop."

Contratulations to all the winners! While winning a Grammy isn't an award on par with being nominated to the Metropolitan Who's Who, it is an honor in it's own right and not a bad place to start.

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Comments:
Clay Aiken did release an album (of 80's love song covers) in 2006, it just was so bad everyone who hears it wish they hadn't.
Rolling Stone gave it 1 star.

No Grammies for Clay.
 
Rolling Stone gave it one star because they think they are so cool they didn't even have to listen to it to decide it wasn't going to get a fair review.

Rolling Stone has lost all credibility since they are now ad driven and any cool they ever had can be bought.

This blogger bashes artists that he knows nothing about, under the guise of humor. How ironic that a truly talented singer is bashed for supposedly not releasing a CD when so much of the rest of the music on the radio is garbage. Why not beg Fall Out Boy and their ScrEmo crap not to put out any more CDs. I could get behind that.
 
In order to comment on your blog, I'll have to type WORFY. Ironic, don't you think? I wish it wasn't so hard for me to get over here, but I'm glad I did. Have a worfy day
 
Clay Aiken did release an album

Ah, crap. I intended this post to be nothing but irresponsible, vicious praddle and it turns out that it's irresponsible, vicious, innacurate praddle. Dang.

This blogger bashes artists that he knows nothing about

Actually, I know a bit about Clay Aiken. He and I have a lot in common. We share a birthday, 11/30. We're both from the south. And when either of us sings, my dog throws up.
 
I think you should take your dog to the vet and yourself??? I suggest an ear, nose and throat specialist...you have very bad taste in music if you think Clay may be the cause of your ailments which, in turn, seems to be affecting your dog...maybe the Dr. can check your hearing, scrape the paint off your nose (from dragging it across the ceiling) and coat your throat from the vomit you seem to be projecting from your mouth.

Good luck and I hope your insurance company helps to pay the bill!


Ohio
 
This post has been removed by the author.
 
And to think that I didn't watch the Grammy's on purpose.

Look at all the good stuff that I missed!

Thank goodness for folks like Darrell. If it wasn't for people like him, I would lose all reason to live.

later...
 
By the way- read your disclaimer..

Pretty funny stuff!

Thanks for the warning!!
 
Happy Valentine's Day!
 
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