I've been having some trouble sleeping lately. I'm a shift worker and my circadian rhythm is about as rhythmic as a train wreck … so for the past three nights in a row I've found myself wide awake at 4:00 AM.

I get up with the dogs. What else is there to do?

"Getting up with the dogs," of course, is an option unique to dog owners. Here's how it works in this house: You get out of bed and take the dogs outside for a quick bathroom break … and then you come back in and sit on the couch with the dogs, both of whom act as thrilled to be sharing your company as anyone else might if they were hanging out with celebrities or royalty or rich people. The dogs fight for lap space and eventually work out a truce wherein one dog is in my lap and the other is pushed up as close as possible beside me on the couch. Both dogs wag their tails like mad and shake all over and just generally do everything they can to express the concept "Wow! You GOT UP WITH US! Isn't this GREAT??!" after a great deal of enthusiasm and general dog/dog-owner bonding, all three of us attempt to drift back off to sleep with varying degrees of success. If that fails to work, there's always the fridge.

Getting up with the dogs is awesome. Nobody ever "got up with the cats."

I write a whole lot about political issues here and I'm always fairly straightforward about where my allegiances are. In case I haven't made it clear in the past (although I'm sure I have), I'm a dog person. I am not a cat person.

Wendy is a cat person. She loves our dogs in specific, but she doesn't love dogs in general. The concept of the awesomeness of dogginess, and the way that dogs just kick ass by and large, seems to be lost on her. That confuses me, and I'm doubly perplexed by her preference for cats since cats are clearly evil, irresponsible animals who don't love anyone.

There, I said it.

Dogs are better than cats, and I can prove it:

For one thing, dogs never lose their enthusiasm for anything. They take nothing for granted. Dogs are as happy about something the five millionth time it happens as they are the first time. Typical dog attitudes at our house include

• "Oh, wow! The school bus came again today! And it dropped the kids off! The kids are home! WOW! WOW! THE KIDS ACTUALLY CAME HOME!! AGAIN!!!""


• "OH MY LORD! Are you going to FEED ME? You're going to FEED ME, AREN'T YOU? Wow! This is going to be SO GREAT because I love to EAT! Thank you SO MUCH!"


• "Hey, look, it's THE FRISBEE! Do you think … I know this might sound radical, but hear me out … do you think you could THROW IT, just like you have EVERY TIME WE'VE EVER COME OUT INTO THE BACK YARD? You will??!? You're going to THROW IT? Oh, that's so AWESOME!"

Cats, on the other hand, take everything for granted. Cat's don't express enthusiasm, they express "contentment." You never make a cat happy. You might, occasionally, meet it's expectations.

Dogs are also capable of feeling and expressing shame. If a dog gets into the trash can for the FIFTEEN TIME TODAY (not that I'm bitter) and you yell at the dog for his behavior, the dog will tuck his tail between his legs and slink around as if to say "Oh, man, how could I have forgotten that? I'm not supposed to do that. I'm sorry. I'm sooooo sorry, pleeeeease forgive me."

If you yell at a cat for doing something it's not supposed to, the cat will only express two possible responses: confusion and anger. Confusion because you've clearly forgotten your subordinate role to the cat and anger because you've interfered with it's highly-important cat activity.

If dogs and cats were characters on Spongebob Squarepants, all dogs would be Patrick and all cats would be Squidward.

You can play with a dog. by the way. You can work out elaborate games with actual rules. Rules like I throw it, you go get it, I take it from you and throw it again. You can't actually play with a cat. All you can do for a cat is hold something while the cat smacks it. With dogs you can be a playmate. With cats you can only be an enabler.

By the way, the worse you smell, the happier your dog is to see you. If you come in from a long day of mowing grass or working your butt off and you're drenched with sweat, your dog will positively shake with joy at the opportunity to enjoy your many strange smells. Cats don't do that. Hell, people don't even do that. I've never come home from a day of busting my butt at work and heard my wife say "Oh, good, you stink!"

If someone comes to the door, our dogs let us know. Our dogs are always on the lookout for anyone who might pose the threat of coming in and possibly attacking us, robbing us, or delivering a package from UPS. Our dogs are aware of these potential threats and they're ever vigilant in their dedication to protecting us. Cats, on the other hand, never lift a paw to stop anyone from coming in. Charles Manson could walk into your home and a cat's attitude would be "Oh, good, you've come. Listen, please be a dear and hold this string while I bat at it, won't you? Otherwise, I simply don't see any reason for your presence."

Dogs are optimists. Cats are cynics.

Dogs believe in God. Cats believe that they are gods.

Dogs are always willing to try new things. Cats respond to any change by sulking under the bed.

All hail the awesome dog. Would that we could be more like him in his enthusiasm, love, appreciation of life and willingness to bite the UPS man.

Show me a cat that'll bite the UPS man and I'll show you a cat with aspirations above the mere feline.

This post is dedicated to Tilda and Chester. Good dogs. Gooooood dooooogs.

Labels: Dogs, Greatest Hits, Humor, Personal