Tuesday, January 16, 2007


Who's What?

The other day, I received the following exciting offer in the mail:

Dear Darrell,
It is my pleasure to inform you that you are being considered for inclusion into the 2006/2007 Metropolitan Who's Who Among Executives And Professionals "Honors Edition" of the Registry.

The 2006/2007 edition of the Registry will include biographics of our country's most accomplished professionals. Recognition of this kind is an honor shared by thousands of executives and professionals throughout America each year. Inclusion is considered by many as the single highest mark of achievement…

On behalf of the Managing Director, we wish you continued success.

This exciting offer wasn't surprising to me. In fact, the only thing that surprises me is that it took so long for me to receive this thrilling and dynamic offer. Just ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you, if there are two words that describe me (and there are more than two), they are "Metropolitan" and "Executive."

If there are two more words, they're "Thrilling" and "Dynamic."

In fact, just last night at work, this was reaffirmed as I met the demanding demands of my job as a menial paper-mill production worker: During a break between production sets as I stood wiping sweat from my forehead with a paper towel and eating a Pop Tart, my boss came up to me and told me that at that moment I looked particularly metropolitan.

I investigated the opportunity at the Metropolitan Who's Who website, where I learned that "Metropolitan Who's Who publishes an electronic biographical directory, listing thousands of successful individuals..." Of course, a biographical directory is far better than a biographic directory (or one of those dreaded biographistic directories).

I checked out a sample entry for a woman in Australia who has fifty years of experience as an engineer. I'm assuming she is the kind of engineer that means "I have a random college degree" and not "I chugga chugga on a choo choo train." I'm guessing that, with fifty years of experience, she'd be in her mid-seventies by now. So I was very happy for her when I saw that her hobbies include "rowing." She must be very dynamic.

In the FAQ, I clicked on the question "How did you get my name?" and I learned that the Metropolitan Who's Who selected me as a candidate "from executive and professional lists based on certain demographics." That's reassuring as well. I'd feel odd about being selected based on uncertain demographics.

The letter is dated "December 22," but I only received it a couple of days ago. I can only assume that the post was delayed due to the death of Gerald Ford. I checked to see if President Ford was listed in the Metropolitan Who's Who and I didn't see him listed. Oh, well. I suppose the big to-do made about his death was justifiable anyway.

Of course, I'll jump on this opportunity immediately. Just as soon as I finish this second Pop Tart.

(But wait, it gets better! Read Who's What? Part II.)

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Congradulations Darrell!

Sadly, I was passed over again this year.

I got my invitation from the Who's Who of Women Executives. Apparently running an auto repair shop makes me an executive. I'm waiting for the day I get the invite from the Who's Who of Bloggers...
While I appreciate the sarcasm and the wit in this post (if not the sudden urge to have a Pop Tart), I'm going to say one thing that may sound as criticism but is really meant as praise:

You are not just a menial worker. First of all, and most obviously, you are a fine husband and father. You are also a talented writer.

But even deeper than that, there is no such thing as a menial production worker. Producing goods is a valuable asset to our country, and I for one wish we did more producing as a nation instead of being a service-driven, executive-driven, send it over seas to get it built country. Tangible products and durable goods should be the true backbone of this economy.

Unfortunately, the labor unions pretty much screwed that pooch and kicked it to China...
i love those letters...

ah, the scam of a compliment.
That's like winning a major award

BTW some of us can't eat a second Pop Tart... is it too much to ask that they package them individually?
That's what those Pop Tart Stix (or whatever they were called) are for.

And I echo what TWJ sayz.
Last year, our household received a letter from a "student ambassador" program, informing us that our high-achieving middle-school aged daughter had been nominated by her teachers for inclusion in the program. She thus had the opportunity to travel to Europe with them (at our expense).

One problem: the letter was addressed to the parents of my niece. Who has a different last name and resides 800 miles away from us. Who has never resided at this address or attended a school in this state. So I sincerely doubt that her "teachers" or anyone who knows my niece would be nominating her for anything via my address!

Only possible explanation: her father (my brother) used our address to receive mail while they were in a temporary living situation for several months... years ago, when my niece was a toddler! Over the years, I have received a number of pieces of junk mail addressed to my niece, mostly beauty pageant solicitations.

If this is the case, it appears that the recipients of this very elite-sounding program are merely names gleaned from mailing lists that have been in circulation for many years.

I've known several families who have had their child participate in this same program (at considerable expense), and listened to them brag about how their child was nominated and selected to participate. I just keep my mouth shut.

It didn't surprise me in the least that you'd be considered an exceptional metrosexual.
I just got one of those in the mail... sent it in, thinking I had achieved a milestone in my life, only to be asked for $500.00 over the phone - (the basic is free- with only a few small fees but I was definitely the type who needed the total package deal). When I asked if I could get in writing the kind lady on the phone responded "no, that would make my job pointless and all our phone sales people obsolete".... So I told the phone sales lady how valuable she was and that she was doing a wonderful job ...and that I would nominate her for a place in the metroplitan who's who.
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