The Great Satan has made it official. She wants our souls. Of course, it was only a matter of time. Unlike many of my conservative friends, I don't think Hillary is a real threat. I don't think she has a chance of winning the presidency. Just do the math. Even in a worst case scenario, even if she wins the Democratic nomination and wins every state that Kerry won in '08, I can't imagine that there's a single red state that would swing her way. No red states means not enough electoral votes, which means no President Satan.

The Democratic party knows this. Even they don't want to contend with all the junk in Hil's trunk. She'll never get the nod.

Which leaves who? Between the two parties, who's the safe bet?

Here are my thoughts on the subject … but keep in mind that only a few months ago I was sure that George Allen would be the next president. My two cents worth is currently worth maybe a quarter of that asking price.

Barack Obama

Hey, what's not to like? I'm not asking that rhetorically. I'm seriously asking, what's not to like about this guy? What's to like about him? Who the hell knows? Barack Obama is a self-proclaimed snot-nosed rookie, and nobody really knows anything about him yet. Still, the guy does have a buttload of charm. Just look at him, would ya? Ever seen a friendlier smile? Heck, I'd probably buy a car from the guy. Apparently, the worst thing anyone has had to say about him so far is that he smokes cigarettes. From my perspective, that's almost an endearing flaw. And Obama is a marketing dream, what with his melting pot family and his dulcet speaking voice. He's the "sexy" candidate. He's bringing sexy back. With the right handlers this guy could find himself in the Oval Office before America wakes up and realizes that … know what? We still don't know anything about him yet.

Mitt Romney

Mitt might be the closest thing that the Republicans have to the marketability of a Barack Obama. This governor of Massachusetts is largely unknown nationally, although he's been spending a lot of time in key primary states lately. Like Obama, Mitt Romney is smooth and charming, but pro-lifers like myself have some concerns about his back-and-forth on abortion. In state elections in the past, Romney has campaigned as a pro-choice candidate, although he's always claimed that he was personally opposed to abortion as birth control. Recently, Romney seems to have undergone a political rebirth on the subject. He identifies himself as politically pro-life now, and seems to mean it: He's vetoed important legislation in Massachusetts that would have been seriously threatening to the unborn. And here's the thing; even if Romney's recent pro-life awakening is a calculated political move, pro-lifers should be comforted by the fact that Romney knows he can't win without us. Besides, I don't think he's ever switch back to the other position on abortion. To do so would be to lose credibility on both sides of the issue, and he's smart enough to know that.

John Edwards

Just typing the name makes me feel ill. The more I hear from John Edwards, the more I like Ted Kennedy … and I don't like Ted Kennedy at all. But at least Kennedy knows that he's full of crap. John Edwards is the smarmiest snake-oil salesman in American politics right now. He reminds me of Greg Stillson, the corrupt and evil political opportunist in Stephen King's novel The Dead Zone. Maybe it's the way he positions himself as a smiling, preening populist. Maybe it's his creepy smile, or his history of making reprehensibly irresponsible remarks. And it's not just that he's a trial lawyer, he's a creepy trial lawyer, having even claimed to evoke the spirit of a dead girl during a trial. Honestly, I can't think of a single good thing to say about this reptile. To paraphrase the Dixie Chicks, I'm ashamed that John Edwards is from the south.

John McCain

I was a big John McCain fan in 2000, but I'm no longer sure why. Even back then he was pretty power mad. Nowadays he seems to have gone completely over to the dark side. McCain has carefully cultivated an image as the Senate's "Maverick." Of course, a "Maverick" is a wild horse that doesn't care where it poops and sometimes starts stampedes. McCain has picked fights with the President and with Barack Obama and just about everybody in between. He has a reputation for being hotheaded and difficult. He's always the guy who jumps left when everyone else jumps right … who says up when everyone else says down. So it amazes me that the media is so clearly in love with the guy. I mean, this is the same media who despise George W. Bush for being a "cowboy" with a "go-it-alone attitude." What the hell do they expect Darth McCain to be? Caspar Milquetoast?

John Kerry

Oh, PLEASE, Senator Kerry, PLEASE run for President again. Please, please, please, please, PLEASE. I'm begging you to run for President again. I'm typically not a fan of performance art, but your material from the '04 campaign was BRILLIANT. Sacha Baron Cohen never came up with a funnier character than you. And your wife, as portrayed by Zsa Zsa Gabor? Faghedaboudit! HILARIOUS! There was so much good material from you in '04. Remember that comic salute when you accepted your party's nomination for the Presidency? Remember those wonderful football pictures? OOOOOH, man. GOOD times! I'm BEGGING you to run again. We all know you still have lots of good material in you. "Now I would like to do impression of President of United State. Hello, I am John Kerry. I am President of United State." WHOOO!

Newt Gingrich

Apparently, Newt Gingrich really has considered a run for the Presidency. I have no idea why. It's not that Newt is a dumb guy. He's not. A lot of his ideas as architect of the Contract for America were good ideas. It's just that he was a ham-fisted legislator and he made a lot of enemies in Washington. Many people still think of him as a "get Clinton at any cost" kind of guy, and see him as a big reason for the impeachment debacle. Plus, the main thing that Newt really managed to do during his time in power was draw Slick Willie back to the center, politically. Well, at least he managed to get Slick Willie to pretend to be in the political center … long enough to BS his way through the '96 election. That's Newt's real legacy: the second term of the Bill Clinton Presidency. I guess you could say that I still hold a grudge.

Al Gore

Al Gore is certifiable. He's just whacked out of his mind. He says he's not going to run again, but I wouldn't put anything past him. In a way, Al Gore is the Oliver Stone of American politics: He's a movie maker for whom truth is a relative concept. Of course, Al is VERY popular with conspiracy theorists and ecology nuts. If you believe that the US Government finished their attempt to frame OJ just in time to rig the 2000 Presidential election, then he's your guy. Or, if you believe that polar bears are bursting into flames all over the frozen north, then Al represents what you believe. Meanwhile, those of us who don't drop acid spend a lot of time scratching our heads and wondering what the hell Al Gore is talking about.

Sam Brownback

I like Senator Brownback from Kansas. Still, I wish he weren't running for President. As a pro-lifer, I was a huge fan of Rick Santorum, the Pennsylvania wonder boy. I call him that because it's a wonder that he was ever elected in the state of Pittsburgh, Philly and Allentown. Santorum was a Stellar conservative and a reliable pro-lifer. And he wasn't just reliable to vote the right way; Santorum could be counted on to introduce important legislation, too. Now that he's gone, there are few in the Senate who can replace him. One of the closest is Sam Brownback. If there's going to be another pro-life go-to guy along the lines of Santorum in the Senate, it's gotta be Brownback. And that's exactly where I want him, too. If America's pro-lifers are going to win the fight to outlaw abortion as birth-control, it's going to be won in the legislature, where judges are appointed and laws are made. As a pro-lifer, I think we need Sam Brownback right where he is now.

There are, of course, other candidates I could mention. Condi Rice might be the smartest, savviest natural-born-leader in Washington right now, but she doesn't want to run. Santorum would be great, but that's not gonna happen. Jeb Bush would have to have stones the size of grapefruit to consider running after all his family has been through this decade. Of course, the SouthCon dream candidate is Michael Steele, but that ain't gonna happen, either.

Anyway, as long as the Great Satan doesn't perch in the White House again, I'm sure we'll be fine.

Labels: News, Obama Watch, Politics