To: Network Programming Department, Attention Ted Fields
From: Network Development Department, Glen Bronberg
Re: Mid Season Replacement Programming

Ted, baby! Here's the standard early-November review:

As we discussed, a number of the programs fast-tracked over the summer for initial runs in the fall have simply failed to deliver the numbers. It's time to look at the viable options, consider the projects on the shelves, and see if any of this can be tweaked enough to draw iceptive bids from the national ad-placement agencies. As always, we're looking to make exclusivity deals, and cross-product tie-in marketing is always desirable.

The guys upstairs have given us the greenlight to begin pre-production on a number of mid season replacement shows. Here are some brief treatment ideas for your consideration. Please run all of this past legal and get some input from whats-her-name in standards, assuming that she didn't quit yet.

• Pimp My Bride
  
  MTV's Pimp My Ride continues to draw enviable numbers, and the guys in marketing want a taste of that demographic. We think we have a property that will draw better numbers with females, 18 to 34, as it combines the Pimp My Ride aesthetic with another dynamic, the successful Bridezillas on the Womens Entertainment Network. Pimp My Bride has tremendous potential, with an out-of-the-box draw for the hip crowd, plus the reality show / bride slant.
  
  The basics: Young couples will plan totally "pimped out" weddings with Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. A number of hip hop stars have expressed interest in serving as celebrants at the actual weddings, and with Ja Rule and 50 Cent both already ministers in the Church Of Dropping Sciencetology, legit clergy credentials aren't a concern. Tommy Hilfiger is working on fashions for the program, including a white, sequenced thong with a fifteen foot train and a black tux / black do-rag / black baseball cap combo for grooms. This show looks like a safe gimmick, shelf-life at two years.



• Queer Factor
  
  This one is brilliant, Ted. It assures us numbers in two demographics that rarely ever cross over, and both of them are desirable markets for our best clients. Queer Factor will appeal to the rednecks who watch Fear Factor and the gays who have historically tuned in for Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.
  
  The pitch: Two teams will face off each week, one team of redneck males and one team of gay males. The gay males will have to compete against each other in challenges such as having their hair cut into mullets, assembling outfits entirely from items in the Cabelas catalogue, and matching NASCAR drivers to their car numbers. The rednecks will compete against each other in challenges such as identifying artists among the Lilith Fair alumni, making their own beds, and surviving for a week after their beer is replaced with wine coolers.
  
  At the end of each episode, the final gay and the final redneck will compete against other in a challenge wherein they both watch two hours of professional wrestling. The gay guy will not want to admit that he's turned on by the sight of two extremely stupid, sweaty men hitting each other. Neither will the redneck. The first one to burst into tears loses. The winner receives seventy dollars.



• Lost Week Ever
  
  Granted, Lost is on a competing network, and they out-perform us in that time slot every week. We can't get that program, but we can get celebrities to come on for half an hour each week and talk about that program. We'll schedule this to run in the half-hour slot immediately following Lost, and basically have a number of J-List celebrities discuss their favorite thing about this week's episode. We've already gotten commitments from Elizabeth Berkley, Stephen Baldwin, Clint Howard, Daniel Baldwin, Martha Quinn, Treach (from Naughty By Nature), and Billy Baldwin. (We'll probably shoot the Baldwins together on one sound-stage and get them a little liquored up before taping. That'll lead to something very watchable.) Will Lost fans watch it? Are you KIDDING??!?



• An Inconvenient Truth: The Animated Series
  
  This will draw numbers with kids and the urban white liberal crowd, most of whom will force their kids to watch the program every Saturday morning. Basically it takes the premise of former VP Gore's movie and moves into super-hero territory with it.
  
  The first animated episode is already written: It will feature former VP Gore himself, although we intend to have an actual human voice the character. In the pilot, we see VP Gore in his secret lair under Tipper's skirt, where he receives an urgent phone call from the Governor of Alaska. Polar bears and seals are turning red from the heat and exploding! It's up to VP Gore to save the world! Gore will get into his super turbo jet (fueled by the power of positive thinking) and fly to Alaska, where he'll save the world by grabbing a giant iceberg and hurling it at the White House. Cut to President Bush and his wife Ava, in despair, committing suicide in a secret underground bunker. VP Gore will then be overwhelmed with e-mails from a grateful nation, thanking him for inventing the internet in his secret under-skirt lab.



• Ex-Men
  
  We think we've finally found a way to cut in on the Desperate Housewives demographic. Ex-Men will spin the premise by focusing on a group of recently divorced men and their trials and problems. Each week we'll watch them each working two jobs, writing checks to their former wives, and learning new ways to fix ramen noodles. These day-to-day banalities will be interspersed with suspense scenes, as each of the males tries to solve the complex and fascinating mystery of just what he ever thought he saw in the bitch in the first place.
  
  
• V for Vin Diesel
  
  This is our trump card. Here's the thing, Vin Diesel is committed to playing both of the lead roles from the hit movie in this series. He'll play the Evey role that Natalie Portman had in the film, and since he's already bald we won't have to pony up any extra funds to get a celebrity to sport a shaven head. Vin will also play the Guy Fawkes character. Now, in the film, the character was simply a character in a Guy Fawkes mask… but the film took so many liberties with the source material that our writers figure they can go one step further and nobody will notice. In the series, Vin will actually play Guy Fawkes, unless the people in legal think it might be troublesome, in which case he might play Guy Ritchie or Guy Pearce or maybe blues guitarist Buddy Guy. Either way, fans will tune in to see Vin, so it's immaterial.
  
  We'll work in a few subtle "Bush is a fascist" jabs into the show's political subtext and give the mouth-breathers in the audience the idea that they're watching something smart. TV critics across the country will eat it up. This is a sure fire hit.

Have your people peruse this and see what they think. We'll be in touch. Love ya, babe!

Glen