It's hard to believe that there have now been sixteen McFATs… but there have, and here are my answers to Number Sixteen.

1) What's your worst and/or funniest drinking experience? If you never drink, it can be about someone you know, and if you don't know anyone, move on to the next question.

Disclaimer: I can't remember the last time I had more than two beers at a time. It's usually just one at a time. Wendy and I usually make a six-pack last for more than a week between us, and we might buy a total of four six-packs in a year. I'm totally paranoid about drinking much at all, even in the comfort of my own home, for fear that some child will get up and manage to fall down the steps and knock a hole in his or her head and then it's up to me to get them to the hospital. So I hardly drink at all, I never drink anything other than beer (actually ales and stouts) and when I do, it's very, very little.

There was, however, a time when I drank far too much and behaved very irresponsibly while drinking. I no longer do that, having put that lifestyle behind me more than ten years ago… and having spent a period of my life going to AA meetings in order to make sure that the last nail was in the coffin of that part of my life.

And so I want to make it clear that I do not endorse drinking to excess, I do not endorse driving or behaving irresponsibly while drinking, and I do not endorse basically everything I ever did before my son was born.

OK?

Now, having said all that, I suppose the funniest thing that ever happened to me while drinking would be the time that another blogger who frequents this blog… a guy I used to work with back in my radio days… well, he and I worked at a radio station together and we decided to basically change the station's format and broadcast times while we were drunk on the air one night.

Drinking while on the air was fairly commonplace back during my irresponsible radio youth. Anyway, me and this other guy (a blogger in my blogroll who I won't identify… if he wants to do so in the comments, that's up to him) used to work at a small-time local radio station. It was really small time. Not even a 24-hour-a-day broadcast station. We signed on every morning at 5:00 AM… played country music and gospel music all day… and then signed off at midnight. Yep, it was one of those little AM/FM stations that you might dial in while traveling through the south just to get a kick out of a little slice of Americana.

Anyway, me and this other DJ used to get fairly good and drunk fairly frequently during the evening shift… and one night when it came time to sign off for the evening we decided that, dang it, we weren't gonna do it. We decided that instead we'd stay on the air and play the kind of music that we enjoyed… stuff like Metallica and the Michael Schenker Group and the Grateful Dead and NWA and James Taylor and… oh, you name it. If we liked it, we'd just throw it on the air. And between songs we'd go on the air and tell ribald stories about our co-workers and stuff like that.

So about an hour into this illegal, immoral and unintelligible broadcast, our station manager called us and demanded to know why we were still on the air. Turns out that he'd been out clubbing and got in his car and turned on the radio, which just happened to be tuned to our frequency… and before he could get a cassette tape in the tape deck he noticed that we were still broadcasting and that we were playing some sort of highly vulgar material.

Anyway, the station manager calls us and demands to know why we're still on the air and one of us… I can't remember if it was me or the other DJ… told the manager that he needed to shut up, go home and go to bed.

The next day the other DJ and I were called in to the station around 10 AM or so and we were curtly and unceremoniously fired and sent packing.

However, by one or two that afternoon when it became obvious that there was nobody to work my afternoon shift and the other DJ's evening shift, we were called and asked if we'd like to have our jobs back. So we said sure, what the hell, we didn't have anything else to do and since we were just gonna sit around and drink and listen to music anyway, we might as well get paid to do it.

There are a bunch of other stories that I could tell that begin with the line "This one time when we were drunk on the air…" but I think I've incriminated myself enough.

2) Inspired by some of the insect images I've seen lately at B13's and Unspace, what are some of your more horrific encounters with the insect world?

Have you ever seen a House Centipede? These aren't regular run-of-the-mill centipedes… these things are hideous. Monstrous. They look like some sort of joint project created by Todd McFarlane and Satan. Every time I see one I shriek like a ten year old girl and run outside waving my arms around, crying for help. I'm TERRIFIED of these things. I'd honestly rather go up against a bear, armed only with a Bic pen, then have to face down a house centipede. We get them from time to time in the fall. It's getting close to the time of year when they'll be coming out. I live in fear of them at this time of year. If you want to see one, you can click here… but I'm warning you, they're hideous.

3) How would your life differ if you woke up one morning with no arms?

I guess the main difference is that I wouldn't have ANY #@&N$!"!NG ARMS… but other than that, I guess the change would be nominal.

Speaking of arms and radio… I was once reprimanded by a program director for saying on the air that I'd give my right arm to be as good a drummer as that guy in Def Leppard.

4) Born in the mid 1970s, a lot of the classic rock I've heard used as jingles for beer, trucks, and other appropriate products was my first exposure to those songs. Do you think some of these songs were ruined by becoming advertising elements? What songs from your formative years could you see being sampled for commercials some day, and for what sort of products?

I LOVE the Iggy Pop song Lust For Life, and I HATE hearing it in car commercials. I also remember hearing The Faces' I Know I'm Losing You in a commercial for something or other and being bummed out by that. I really love that song, too.

I am surprised, I must admit, that I haven't yet heard Iron Maiden or Judas Priest in commercials for Honda and Nike. Our generation made those bands huge, and our generation is a prime marketing demographic, so it's only a matter of time until those bands are turning up in commercials. In fact, I have a vague memory of having heard You've Got Another Thing Coming in a commercial… but I can't remember the product and it might be that my mind is playing tricks on me.

Now that I'm one of many old fat men driving around in a minivan and listening to Metallica, it's only a matter of time before we hear Metallica songs in commercials. I suppose Duracell will co-op Battery just to be funny. Maybe Verizon will use For Whom The Bell Tolls.

And, of course, customizing the lyrics to match the product will continue as a marketing trend. I can't wait to hear a Dominos commercial featuring Dave Mustane wailing Pizza Sells… But Who's Buying? Maybe Slayer will sing the praises of a Tupperware Ensemble.

SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION: I started blogging on October 13th, 2004. Last year some of you may recall my Best Blog Party Party, guest posts, year in review, and revealing photos. What sort of things should I do for this year's Cloakfest?

It's time to go ahead and do that nude photo-spread you've been promising us for so long now. Nothing raunchy, mind you… I'm talking about tasteful photos… but something bold and liberating. It might be nice to pose with a live tiger, if you can get access to one. The one article of clothing that I'd say you definitely should wear is a tweed fedora… and maybe a huge gold chain. Just you, the lid and the chain, the tiger and an expression of sassy bravado. It'll be the most popular Photo Blog Wednesday ever.

Labels: Blogs, Metallica, Music, Personal, Trivial Matters