McFat, Volume II:

1) Here in the U.S., Thanksgiving is nearly upon us. Name any one thing in your life that you were ungrateful for, and how you feel about it now.

As a child, I was ungrateful for celery. Now, I despise it.

2) What kind of superhero would you be? An inspirational icon like Captain America or Superman, or someone dark and tortured like Wolverine or the Batman?

Can't a guy be both? Isn't Spider-Man both?

3) What's the weirdest or freakiest dream you've ever had? Have you ever had a recurring dream?

When I was a child, I had recurring dreams about being trapped in a room with the walls closing up. I always woke up terrified from those dreams.

Here's the weirdest, freakiest dream I've ever had. Nobody believes me about this, they think I'm making it up, but I really did dream this psychotic nonsense six or eight years ago:

I had been invited to a costume party at Val Kilmer's, and it turned out that Val Kilmer lived at the top of the Empire State Building. The only stipulation to going to the party was that nobody could come dressed as Elvis. We'd been warned that Val had a tendency to go into a rage anytime he saw anyone dressed as Elvis. We were told that if anyone came dressed as Elvis, he or she would likely end up in a fistfight with Val immediately.

Therefore, I decided to go dressed in one of those horse costumes that outfits two people; you know, those costumes where one person is the front of the horse and the other person is the behind. My partner in this costume was Chris Rock.

I have no idea why these celebrities were in my dream. I like Chris Rock, I can't stand Val Kilmer, and in general I've never given either of them a second thought enough to warrant their inclusion in my dreams. Anyway, the dream gets weirder:

In my dream, Chris and I were walking around in the horse costume in Val Kilmer's Empire State Building apartment, and I was the horses behind (no comments from the peanut gallery, thanks) and Chris was the horse's front. Chris was saying that he wanted to lift a souvenir from Val Kilmer's apartment to prove that he'd been there, because nobody would believe him, otherwise. This struck me as kinda weird, but I was willing to help Chris steal something if it was something small. He agreed to steal a salt shaker. As we were trying to pilfer the salt shaker and sneak it into the horse costume we shared without being seen, Val himself made his entrance into the costume party. And guess who he was dressed as? You got it, he was dressed as Elvis.

My reaction was that Val had put the word out that he'd flip out if anyone dressed as Elvis just to ensure that he'd be the only "Elvis" at the party. Chris, on the other hand, saw it as an indication that Val was onto us and our salt shaker scheme. He started yelling "We gotta go, man! We gotta go!" So Chris starts running toward the window, intent on jumping out of it (remember, we're in the top of the Empire State Building), and because he's the horse's front and I'm the horse's behind, I had no choice but follow. So Chris and I both run toward the window as hard as we can and jump through it.

Chris and I fall to the New York City street below, were our fall is broken by the very plush horse costume we share. We both survive without a scratch. We get up and get out of the costume, looking around to see if anyone saw us. However, there's nobody around to have witnessed our fall because New York City has been overrun with deer. There are no people around anywhere, only thousands of deer.

Yes, I REALLY DID dream that. All of it. I have no idea why I dreamed it. I have no idea what it means, but I present it here as a way to remind my readers of the importance of taking our prescription medication.

4) If you were chosen to be among the first pioneers to settle in a space station orbiting the Earth, would you accept and if so, what role would you play in the community?

Is there a DVD player onboard? Is there a microwave? Can we blog from space? Is there an Xbox with Halo 2 onboard? HELLO! You can't ask a question like that and leave out the important stuff.

5) No! Not here! Anywhere but here! You swore you'd never come back, and now suddenly here you are! Where are you?

Wal-Mart.

I'm not on the anti-Wal-Mart bandwagon. The only thing that Wal-Mart has ever done that bugged me was when CEO H. Lee Scott, Jr. recently called for an increase in the minimum wage. I had to stop and think that maybe Wal-Mart really does want to put all the smaller businesses out of business, after all. In general, though, I don't buy into the whole crusade against Wal-Mart.

No, the reason I hate going to Wal-Mart is because I hate standing in line. I hate dealing with moron cashiers who put the soda on top of the bread in the cart. I hate searching all over the store, trying to find help with an item I can't locate, only to end up talking to some kid in a blue vest who doesn't know anything about the store or the item I'm looking for. I hate how they always MOVE THINGS just when I'm getting to where I know where they are. AAAAGGGHHH!

Ya know, maybe I should get on that anti-Wal-Mart bandwagon.