Friday, September 16, 2005

 

The SouthCon True Hollywood Story, Sept 16, 2005



  • It's been a busy couple of weeks for the world's coolest rock star. Bono, lead singer and rabble rouser for the Irish group U2, told a crowd at a sold out concert in Toronto that Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin's record on foreign aid is "improving." The message was warmly greeted by the fans in attendance, who'd come to the concert hoping to get a lecture about Canada's foreign aid record, but terribly afraid that they might have to endure some rock music in the process. It was a much friendlier message than the one Bono sent at a Vancouver concert in April, when he chastised Martin for breaking a promise to raise Canada's spending on foreign aid.... Bono called Prime Minister Paul Martin "a friend" who has improved his record on global aid. "He's a good man..." In response, Prime Minister Martin said that he won't rest until his record on foreign aid is endorsed not only by Bono, but also by Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, and the members of N'Sync. The Hidden Blogger, who is known for idolizing U2 because of their refusal to take themselves too seriously, said that it was about time Martin took Bono's demands to heart.


  • One fan who attended the concert took exception to Bono's remarks. Six days later, D.L. McCracken found himself further confounded when Bono seemed to withdraw his praise for Paul Martin and join fellow rock star and world feeder, Bob Geldof, in a round of Canada-bashing. "...there's old Bob taking centre stage in New York amidst the United Nations summit of world leaders and he's back on the same old bandwagon and the world shudders as he steps toward the 48 microphones and says with an air of withering contempt that the world's efforts to make poverty history in Africa only gets a Geldof Rating of 4 out of a possible 10 and he adds in an ominous kind of way that he is not thrilled and the world shudders a bit more under the Wrath of Geldof.... someone asks him about Canada... and he sneers, "Canada..Canada is weird." ... And finally... you read... "Rocker Geldof joins Bono in rapping Canuck aid efforts" and your final thought as you chuck the newspaper into the nearest trash can is why can't Bob Geldof and Bono just shut the *expletive removed* up!


  • Elsewhere, Bono was the target of anger and derision by fellow Irish singer Sinead O'Connor. O'Connor, who is known for her tactful and even-keeled critiques of the Catholic church, took issue with Bono's grief at the death of Pope John Paul II. According to Sinead, "I wasn't going to say anything until I saw him kissing he rosary beads that the Pope gave him... He put those rosary beads on that microphone (stand) the day the Pope died and went on about how great Catholicism is. I think he should apologize for that." In response, fans of good music and listenable vocals around the world reiterated their belief that Sinead should apologize for breathing.



  • Actor and pilot John Travolta made headlines recently when he and his wife, Kelly Preston, made a trip to the New Orleans area to deliver relief supplies for Katrina victims. The visit, which was on behalf of the Church of Scientology, was part charity and part recruiting drive for the controversial science-fiction based religion: The couple visited shelters and doled out 1,200 tetanus shots to relief workers while Travolta "showed a demonstration of the 'assists' that the 'Volunteer "Ministers"' are giving and which are 'helping' individuals overcome the trauma of loss of homes and loved ones," the (Church of Scientology press) release stated. For those unfamiliar with the group's recruiting methods, an "assist" is a type of massage that Scientology's "volunteer ministers" use to lure people into learning about the "religion." Scientology is a religion based on the belief that an evil alien named Xenu visited the earth 75 million years ago and implanted a race of "ghosts" from which only Scientology can protect us. The religion has been embraced by a number of noted celebrities. It has also been warmly received by people looking for a story more interesting and believable than the most recent Star Wars movie.


  • Singing/dancing/reality TV poster couple Britney and Kevin Spears announced the birth of their first child together on Britney's website this week: The proud parents revealed: "We are ecstatic to announce the birth of our son. Everyone is happy, healthy and doing wonderful. Thank you all for your love and well wishes!! Love Britney & Kevin." This is the first child for Britney and, as far as he knows, the third child for Kevin, who dumped his pregnant girlfriend Shar Jackson as soon as he "got a shot at the big-time." The child's name has not yet been revealed to the press, although Las Vegas odds are 7-to-1 that his middle name will be "Ray" or "Bob." Doctor's report that the baby is healthy and fit, in spite of being born with a three-pack-a-day smoking habit.



  • Las Vegas odds makers are still reeling over this week's announced break-up of newlyweds Kenny Chesney and Renee Zellweger. Chesney is known for such country hits as "She Made Love To My Tractor" and "Look At My Abs, You Three-Tooth Redneck Gal." Zellweger is best known for Cold Mountain, Chicago, and some movies that actually aren't annoying. The couple, who met this past January and got married in May, are ending their marriage after four months together. A source close to the couple says "I'm shocked. I'm honestly shocked. I know that celebrity marriages are often flakey and unpredictable, but four months? Who'd ever have guessed they'd actually last that long?!"
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    Comments:
    You were being so kind to mention about John Travolta helping out then , discredited him by covertly talking about the Science fiction cult he is involved in.That 75 Million year science fiction junk is not what Scientology is about and your doing a big diservice to man kind by discrediting Scientology with that Garbage. Look up Operation Clambake. That is not a Scientology Organization, that is just another one of there lies to try and discredit Scientology. The mind always makes itself right , when it wrongs others, that is just one of there pieces of information taken out of context, to discredit us ,to justify their bad actions against us.. There are millions of Scientologists out here, your not doing your self any good by being so negative on Scientology. They will be in Power someday, Think about it. There is a time for everything. It's time is coming. Truth though fought in the end always prevails.LRH
     
    Uh oh, Darrell has pissed off the aliens -- I mean the Scientologists.

    And for a second there, I thought all he'd have to worry about was Bono.

    Oh well... I'd suggest some atnidepressents to help Darrell overcome his knewfound fears, but then Tom Cruise would show up at his door and lecture him about the history of psychiatry...
     
    Hey, Darrel -- how about a SCTHS that lampoons some of your fellow bloggers?
     
    Diamond-Diddle: your not doing your self any good by being so negative on Scientology. They will be in Power someday, Think about it.

    Hey, just as long as they don't create a Halo device designed to eliminate the parasitic life-form known as "the Flood" by wiping out it's food source, namely all life in the universe, then I'm fine with that. If they do take that course of action, though, then Cortana and I will be forced to arm the Pillar of Autumn as a nuclear weapon and destroy them all.
     
    diamonddille- it's "you're" in that context, not "your".

    Remember, "Grampar gits sad when Grammar is bad"
     
    Darrell, dude- your stuff is getting to be quite good. I've been meaning to tell you I especially enjoyed the piece on the bears.

    no, really!
     
    Rhodester: no, really!

    Really? Ah, shucks, mister.

    J-No: how about a SCTHS that lampoons some of your fellow bloggers?

    That would probably be kinda fun... but it's the stupid little South Park characters that I do first, and they provide the inspiration to write my stupid, insensitive, pretentious stuff about the celebrities. Since I don't know what any of you look like... except for Lorna and Kristine and Rhodester and Jamie Dawn (who's 42 year old soul has apparently possessed the body of a 25 year old), it would be hard to do. Actually, MCF would be fun to do... I'm already thinking about variations on cloaks... you know, this would be a lot of fun...
     
    I look just like the guy on the left side of my blog's banner, except it's more of a short, thin wispy goatee and not a stubbly full-face beard. I really do have the broad shoulders. Unfortunately, my stomach is broader than the shoulders and I have no muscles. Not Cartman-like, but definitely not svelte either.

    For real live pictures, you'll have to wait until I post wedding photos at some point in October. But feel free to lampoon me sooner.
     
    Oh, and JamieDawn's a liar if she says she's over 40.
     
    so talented, so right, as in not-left.
     
    I like the South Park Sinead.
    I guess it's safe to say that Travolta and wife did NOT deliver anti-depressants to the evacuees.
    Britney is probably a nice person. Who knows? But, I don't get all the hype about her. I guess it may be because I'm not a teenaged boy or a pervy old man.
    Her kid has a lot of junk to wade through. God help him!

    Flattery! Nice to hear sometimes.
    Go ahead, Darrell. Skewer us all to your heart's content. We can laugh at ourselves, I think.
    These funny bits of yours are really good. I passed your blog address on to my brother. I hope he leaves a comment one of these days. I know he will enjoy your humor.
     
    Milli Vanilli sucks.
     
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