Tuesday, September 13, 2005

 

The SouthCon True Hollywood Story, Sept 13, 2005



  • Oprah Winfrey crawled down from the top of her pile of money to demand that America apologize to the victims of Hurricane Katrina this week. "I think... this country owes these people an apology. This makes me so mad," the talk-show magnate said. This should not have happened. Nothing I saw on television prepared me for what I experienced on the ground." Oprah also insisted that America promise the victims that the country would never, ever, ever, ever have another hurricane. At press time, Oprah hadn't yet made up her mind as to whether or not the country should go to bed without any dinner. Nonetheless, representatives for the multimillionaire said that it is "highly likely" that Oprah will make the country "stand in the corner and think about it's behavior." America was last seen sulking in it's bedroom, hoping that Oprah is only mad about what we did, that she still loves us, and that she'll continue to buy us stuff.

  • Oprah's template for talk-show television is the most successful in the world. Still, actress/model/singer Tyra Banks plans to do something new and radically different with the debut of her own talk show. According to Banks, You have to look at that stuff and say, 'How can I make it different?' ... I think a reason a lot of talk shows fail is they try to be the next Ricki Lake or they try to be the next Oprah." Viewers of Banks' new program can expect a radical departure from the mold of American talk shows: " I just taped a show on cheating, because I feel like women are very interested in that... I'm also interested in body image... I'd love to interview Jessica Simpson and Beyoncé. ... We're most definitely going to have celebrities on the show. Jenny McCarthy came on and talked about her divorce and her new movie. We had Randy Jackson talking about American Idol. …" Americans are eager to experience this radically different new experiment in talk-show programming, and can only hope that Oprah doesn't take away our TV privileges before we get to see the upcoming episodes.


  • Film-maker and round crybaby idiot Michael Moore is said to be working on a film about Hurricane Katrina. Recently, he told the New York Daily News "Do not listen to anyone who says we can discuss all this later. No, we can't. Our country is in an immediate state of vulnerability. More hurricanes, wars, and other disasters are on the way, and a lazy bunch of self-satisfied lunatics are still running the show." More is expected to dispatch a film crew to New Orleans immediately, but not to go himself, much as he did when he sent a film crew to Iraq while working on Fahrenheit 9/11. However, sources close to Moore say that he'll likely join his crew in New Orleans "as soon as a decent Cajun restaurant is open and functional." Meanwhile, Moore is busy dispensing religious advice to American conservatives. In a letter addressed "To all my fellow Americans who voted for George W. Bush," Moore says "Do you believe in Jesus? Really? Didn't he say that we would be judged by how we treat the least among us?" Moore went on to blame those who voted for Bush for Hurricane Katrina: "You did this to us, to the world, to the people of New Orleans.". Not to be outdone, Howard Dean hastily held a press conference, during which he rubbed Miracle Whip in his hair and said that God hates Republicans because they cause cancer.


  • Country music singer and annoying blonde Faith Hill spent this past Sunday giving out relief supplies in hurricane ravaged Gulfport, Mississippi: Red Cross officials and a few beefy Highway Patrol officers - part of Hill's security detail - would not grant local reporters an interview with the country superstar. Kevin Titus, a Red Cross spokesman, told the Sun Herald that Hill did not want media attention, because she feared the event would appear too much like a "PR campaign," rather than a relief effort. Hill was followed by her own camera crew and reporters, instead. Hill happened to have her own camera crew and reporters with her because, as Sean Penn will tell you, there's no point in trying to help people if you don't bring along your very own publicity people. After distributing the goods, Gulfport residents thanked Hill for her efforts and for having the good sense to at least not sink a rescue boat. Faith Hill is best known for her hit songs "Love Something Something Love Whatever" and "Heart Love Something Whatever Yawn." She has 64 daughters with her husband, fellow country music doofus Clint McBrooks (or whatever).



  • Until recently, Bo Bice has been best known for three things:
    One, not winning American Idol.
    Two, not getting a hair cut.
    Three, having a far cooler sounding stage name suggested by Google News when you search for news items about him. (Did you mean "Bob Ice?")
    However, if Bo has his way, he'll be remembered as the singer and songwriter behind "We Can't Change This World," a song he has written about Hurricane Katrina. By writing and performing "We Can't Change This World," Bice has distinguished himself from other musicians who've donated their money and hard work to the Katrina relief effort. A friend of Bo's tells The SouthCon True Hollywood Story that "other musicians have given all kinds of stuff, but Bo has now given something really meaningful... he's given them his fifteenth and final minute of fame."


  • Rapper Kanye West refuses to back away from controversial remarks he made about President Bush during a televised Red Cross fundraiser for Hurricane Katrina victims earlier this month. West has been instrumental in drawing attention to the fact that the Bush administration is responsible for Hurricane Katrina, that Katrina hit only poor areas of New Orleans and bypassed wealthy and middle-class areas, and that even in the poor areas that it did hit, it only affected poor blacks and bypassed poor white people. Liberal activists have praised West for having the courage to decry George Bush and his racist hurricane, and West has been bolstered by the support: Speaking after his performance at "ReAct Now", West again insisted the American nation treat their impoverished underclass "like it's not really there.... Everybody's always concerned about theyself (sic)." West, who's career is based on his linguistic skills, continued, saying that "America's always been pushing the (impoverished) under the counter... And what happens if you're cleaning the kitchen and you're always dusting something under the counter? If you spill something, it's going come up and be in your f*****g face." This may have been another Katrina reference, or may have simply been a housekeeping tip for West's fans. Either way, it was certainly poetic and eloquent.


  • Past installments of the Southcon True Hollywood Story are available here:
    September 6, 2005
    August 27, 2005

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    Comments:
    How about all the fools who refused/refuse to leave and cost taxpayers money in bailing them out apologize? Better yet, save the apology. Admit you're an idiot and you won't reproduce, and then send me a check to pay me back for the money wasted on trying to save these folks.

    I'm a liberal, for the most part, but stupid people who make stupid choices deserve the consequences of their actions.
     
    Did you lampoon Oprah? I thought she was one of America's sacred cows...
     
    Hamel: How about all the fools who refused/refuse to leave and cost taxpayers money in bailing them out

    As Kanye might say, I feel ya.

    J-No: Did you lampoon Oprah? I thought she was one of America's sacred cows...

    Cows is for eatin', my friend.
     
    From http://underthenews.blogspot.com ...

    From a CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll: "... Six in 10 blacks said the federal government was slow in rescuing those stranded in New Orleans after Katrina because many of the people in the Louisiana city were black. But only about one in eight white respondents shared that view. ...

    "... According to [another] poll broken down by race, blacks were more likely to blame Bush for problems in New Orleans, with 37 percent holding him most to blame for the fact that many residents were trapped inside the city after it flooded. ...

    "... On the question of whether Bush cares about black people, 67 percent of whites said they believe the president does care, but only 21 percent of blacks agreed."

    ~~~~~~

    Do you think the next head of FEMA will be black? I might be going out on a limb here, but ... bet on it.

    Personally, it's hard to imagine an Oval Office conversation in which the President and his advisers agree to blow off New Orleans based on Census figures. It's hard to imagine that the Bush Administration would abandon the biggest city in a strong RED state that supported him with almost 57% of its votes last year. It's equally hard to imagine a group of people who agree more with the politics of semi-articulate hip-hop singer Kanye West than Rev. T.D. Jakes.

    There's something racist about believing that everything is about race. The Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., dreamed of a time where his children would be judged "not by the color of the skin, but the content of their character." A worthy, noble and achievable goal. In fact, we're a lot closer now than in 1965. Certainly more than in 1865, which was better than in 1765.

    But some blacks, apparently in large numbers, still want it to be about the color of their skin. Was Michael Jackson's or O.J.'s prosecution racially motivated? No (in the white community) ... yes (among many -- maybe most -- blacks.)

    One example: At the moment, an unfortunate urban legend is gaining traction among blacks that an AP photo of black looters in New Orleans caption them as "looters" while an Agence France-Presse photo (from the French wire service) of white looters captions them as "finders." TWO pictures where TWO photojournalists attempted to say ONLY what they saw and knew to be a fact ... and the situation is perverted for political gains, then given momentum by Kanye West. Do yourself a favor by going to myth-debunking Snopes.com to see the truth about those photos and stop listening to urban legends. Suffice it to say, the explanation will reassure you that The Media is not always grinding a personal axe for either the Right or the Left.

    I can't speak for nor argue about what's in most hearts, black or white. I can speak for my heart. I can look around and judge for myself what seems logical and honest. And I have seen the outpouring of help and sympathy for Katrina's refugees, evacuees and survivors here in Southeast Texas, not exactly the historic model for good race relations. But in the shelters and churches that have taken them in, the faces of the care-givers are overwhelmingly white in a community that's half-black.

    America has a long way to go before we're truly and totally color-blind. Sadly, there are still some things that ARE racially motivated. But in the end, people of color must realize that to achieve color-blindness, they, too, must stop seeing all things as racially motivated.

    Maybe I'm wrong. Apparently being wrong about race is " a white thing." Let's strike a blow for true equality: Maybe blacks can be wrong about race, too.
     
    Which part of the word "evacuate" do the people who blame Bush not understand?
     
    I love these pieces.
    Kanye West really should think before he speaks... maybe he did. I wish he would work to change the things he doesn't like rather than just talk very unintelligently about them.
     
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