Sometimes, the topic of a blog party really inspires me to write. And write and write and write. Other times, I come up empty.

This is one of those other times.

When MCF first announced his "Three Wishes" blog party, I thought it would be a simple enough assignment. There's plenty of room for creativity there, right? Just come up with three wishes. No problem. You can go in basically any direction with that. You can do serious wishes, or you can get whimsical and write something outlandish. Or, you can wax nostalgic and write about the kinds of things you wished for as a kid. Then again, you could get autobiographical and make wishes that reveal something of the person that you really are, the events that have shaped your life, and the things that really matter to you. Coming up with three wishes should be easy..... But, try as I might, I'm drawing a blank.

The last time MCF hosted a blog party, the topic was "your five favorite places." I saw an opportunity for humor with that, and wrote about parts of our home. I had a good time writing that entry, and the feedback indicated that readers got what I was trying to do and seemed to get a kick out of it.

This time, I'm totally lost. I can't get a foot in the door here. I can't figure out a direction, can't come up with the tone I want to take or the message I want to convey. I can't even conceive of a potential target audience for whatever I might write. Usually, that's the starting point for me, and usually it gets me jump-started. I think about a given person; my wife or my son or my mom or one of my friends... and I can usually come up with something aimed at that hypothetical target audience. This time, nothin'. The harder I try, the blanker the blank I'm drawing becomes.

So, in desperation, and with a great deal of shame, I present the following three wishes, thrown together simply to get myself off the hook.

The first thing I think I should wish for is a new butt. Lots of people wish they could remake a given part of their body that they're unhappy with, but that's not the case here. I really need a new butt. My old one has a crack in it.

The second thing I'll wish for is relevant to the punch line of the following joke:

George W. Bush agrees to meet with Cindy Sheehan, and Cindy brings along Michael Moore to the meeting. As the three of them stroll through a wooded part of the president's Crawford ranch, they come across an old lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears. The genie says "I can grant three wishes to the person who finds me and frees me, but since three of you have done that, I'll have to grant you each one wish."

Michael Moore cuts in and says "Well, clearly I should go first. I wish I had my own planet where everyone there would do exactly as I say. Life on Earth is too screwed up. Too many people don't see the wisdom of my opinions. I want to have my own planet where I'll be in charge." So the genie snaps her fingers and Michael Moore disappears, having gone to his own planet.

Cindy Sheehan says "I wish I could join Michael on his planet. He's been the driving force behind everything I've done for months, and I don't know what to do without him." So the genie snaps her fingers and Cindy disappears.

The genie looks at Dubya and says "You get the last wish, Mr. President." Dubya thinks for a minute and says "First, let me get this straight. Michael Moore and Cindy Sheehan have both left the planet earth?"

The genie says "That's correct, Mr. President."

The president shrugs his shoulders and says "Hell, I guess I'll just take a Diet Coke."

So there's my second wish. A Diet Coke.

And my third wish is that I could come up with something as creative as the "Holiday Wish" monologue that Steve Martin did on Saturday Night Live in 1991.

There you have it... a new butt, a Diet Coke, and a funny monologue.

Hey, I told you I had nothin'.