Last year, about a week after Halloween, I was browsing through some Halloween clearance stuff at Wal-Mart. On a whim, I paid a buck fifty for a "Scream" mask... exactly like the mask to the left, there. I didn't think much about it at the time, I just thought it might be good for a laugh now and then. I expected it to be used for a prank or two and then lost forever in one of the kids' toy-chests, or packed away with some seasonal decorations and forgotten about. I was wrong. This mask has turned out to not be a trivial purchase. It has turned out to be the single greatest investment I've ever made. I'd almost be willing to call it my prized material posession. It's right up there with the microwave oven and the PC. I can't imagine going back to living without it.

When Wendy and I unpacked the groceries I bought that day at Wal-Mart, she saw the mask and smiled and asked me why I'd gotten it. I told her I thought it might be good for a prank, and she liked the idea. She and I immediately concocted an elaborate prank to play on the kids right then and there. We set the video camera up downstairs in their play room so that it would secretly tape the events without being noticed. I then wrapped myself in a black sheet and put the mask on and hid behind this big ol' ugly yellow chair in the playroom. When the kids came into the room, I jumped up from behind the chair and they screamed their heads off. The best thing about it was that it was all on video, so we were able to put it on our big end-of-the-year home-movies DVD that we mail out to friends and family. Here's a screen-grab of the prank from that DVD.

After that prank, I put the mask in the bottom of my sock drawer, but I never forgot it was there. From time to time, about once a month, I find a good use for it. Nine times out of ten, that good use is to scare my wife out of her wits. Thanks to that mask and my total lack of a conscience, I have been slowly driving my wife insane for the past year. My favorite thing to do is to wait for her to go to the bathroom late at night... then I sneak down the hall and put the mask on and stand in the hall and wait for the bathroom door to open. That usually produces a good, satisfying scream. Then she reminds me that she hates my mask, she hates me, and it's a good thing that she's already gone to the bathroom.

Today I felt more creative and more devious than I do on a normal day, so while Wendy was in class, I produced a complicated dummy in the basement, using a coat-hanger, a rake, one of those black sheets, and my scream mask. When Wendy got home from class, she went down to the basement (to do laundry or get something out of the freezer or whatever) and encountered my "Scream dummy." The first thing I heard was the sound of the basement door being opened... the next thing I heard was a shriek of terror and the sound of frantic footsteps as my wife made a hasty retreat.

That was an hour ago. I've spent the past hour rolling around in the floor, laughing until my sides hurt.

I know, I'm an evil, horrible person.... but I wouldn't sell that mask for a thousand dollars.