Saturday, August 27, 2005

 

The SouthCon True Hollywood Story



  • Margot Kidder immerged from her neighbor's bushes this week, long enough to officially become a US citizen.

    Actress Margot Kidder became a U.S. citizen Wednesday to avoid possible deportation to her native Canada when she begins protesting the war in Iraq, she said.

    The actress, best known for playing Lois Lane in the 1978 movie Superman and three sequels, was among 19 people who became citizens during a naturalization ceremony in Butte federal court.

    Kidder said in an interview after the ceremony that her sole motivation was to protest the war in Iraq.


    Kidder, who played Lois Lane in four Superman movies, is also known for the three days she spent missing in 1996, only to be found in her neighbor's back yard, hiding in the bushes. She was missing several teeth. She had cut her hair with a razor, in an apparent attempt to disguise her appearance. At the time, Kidder claimed that her ex-husband and the CIA were following her.

    For it's part, the CIA denied Kidder's claims, stating that they were too busy rounding up and deporting people who are opposed to US government policy to spend their time stalking unemployed actresses.

    Today, Kidder is far more stable, thanks to a process known as "orthomolecular medicine."

    "(It's) a process whereby you take the toxins out of your system and you put the nutrients in, and you try to stay away from psychiatric drugs if you can or minimize them," she explains.


    Because of it's avoidance of psychiatric drugs, "orthomolecular medicine" is believed to have been developed by Dr. Tom Cruise, noted psychiatry expert and occasional actor.

    Kidder attributes her newly even keeled life to Cruise's program, and isn't shy about praising him for his medical advances. "He can fly! He belongs in the sky! Here I am like a kid out of school, holding hands with a god! I'm a fool! Can he read my mind? Does he know what is is that he does to me?"


  • For his part, Cruise had a busy week, between planning his Arabian Knights themed wedding to Katie Holmes and denying claims that he is William Shakespeare reincarnated. Or, to be more specific, Cruise spent the week denying claims that he had made the claim that he is William Shakespeare reincarnated. Cruise also either denied that he is a reincarnated Scientology prophet, or possibly simply denied that he had claimed that he is a reincarnated Scientology prophet. It is worth noting that William Shakespeare never confirmed nor denied his status as a Scientology prophet.

    Understandably, there are those who believe that this proves that Cruise IS both a reincarnated Scientology prophet AND William Shakespeare reincarnated. "If Tom Cruise really isn't a reincarnated prophet, then why is he so adamant about denying that he's a reincarnated prophet, huh? Huh??!" asked my friend Dave, noted Tom Cruise expert. "I mean, if somebody accused me of being a reincarnated Scientology prophet, I'd just laugh and be all like 'Yeah, right,' but Tom Cruise gets all huffy about it, so I'm like, hey... I think the dude really IS a reincarnated Scientology prophet, you know what I mean?"

    I did not know what he meant.


  • Cruise's week was made all the more difficult by another noted medical expert, stunt driver and occasional actor, Dr. Scarlett Johansson. Johansson reportedly blasted Cruise for his stance on psychiatric drugs, stating that Cruise was "ignorant." Johansson continued, saying " "I think people have their own right to choose whether or not they want to stop taking a drug. I can go into a very lengthy conversation with anyone about a woman's right to choose and things like that, but I don't believe in forcing my opinion on people." Johansson is also capable of going into a lengthy conversation about human cloning, having recently stared in a very bad movie on the subject, during the production of which she memorized several technical-sounding terms.


    Johansson's medical credibility became undeniable last February when she revealed to reporters that stem cell research could possibly "eliminate diseases like Alzheimer's and polio." Johansson refused to speculate, however, on the chances that stem cell research might also eliminate Cow Pox, lycanthropy, or Saturday Night Fever, stating that thus far her research has been inconclusive.


  • America hating, lying, fat commie bastard Michael Moore checked himself into a posh health spa this week, admitting that he is as much as 200 pounds overweight. The fat farm is just outside of Miami, Florida, and costs $3,800 a week for enrolment. That's nearly half of the money Moore spends weekly on Little Debbie products. Displaying that "Shoot for the moon" spirit that has made his hometown of Flint, Michigan so famous, Moore has told friends and relatives that he hopes to lose as much as twelve pounds. In May of 2003, Moore told Oprah Winfrey's website that Ronald Reagan was responsible for his obesity. At the time, Moore was reading a book called Fit From Within by Victoria Moran, in an attempt to lose weight. Moore did not lose weight after completing the book, and therefore he intends to produce a film about Moran's lies.


  • Between fighting in the Crusades and slaying dragons, British Knight Sir Ian McKellen occasionally acts in motion pictures. McKellen made headlines this month when he encouraged other knighted homosexuals to come out of the royal closet and reveal their sexuality to the world at large. "Acting, in my case is no longer about disguise," McKellen revealed. "It's about telling the truth." This news was greeted enthusiastically by fans of the Lord of the Rings movies, who were delighted to realize that McKellen really is a powerful wizard.

    This week, McKellen blasted the Vatican because of the Catholic Church's stance on the blasphemous novel The Da Vinci Code. " "The idea that it shouldn't be read, which I think is the official Vatican line, is pretty pathetic." When asked how he felt about GLADD's stance that people shouldn't listen to the music of Eminem because of the rapper's anti-gay stance, McKellen responded "Be silent! And keep your forked tongue behind your teeth! I did not pass through fire and death to bandy crooked words with a witless worm." He then waved his magic staff and turned those present into spiders.
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    Comments:
    If this your Scrappleface audition, I'd say you're a shoe-in!!!!!
     
    That is about the funniest, mostest well writtenest blog piece I have ever read.
    Pure genius!
     
    HMMMM....Scarlet Johanssen... :)

    Funny stuff Darrell!
     
    HAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHA!

    Darrell, for some reason I think you'd really like Al Rantel. This is the local radio talk show I listen to when I first go into work. You can hear it by going to KABC.COM and listening to the internet stream- AL is on weekday evenings from 6-9pm PST, so figure that out for your own time zone.

    technical note- whether you run a mac or PC, I've found that it's best to choose the "listen live" link for the MAC at the kabc.com website, the PC link never seems to work.

    If you check out Al's show, please drop me an email and tell me what you think.
     
    The South Park characatures are killing me....that's awesome. =)
     
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