When MCF first announced the topic of his blog party, I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I wanted to participate. On the other hand, the topic was the five favorite places you’ve been, and frankly, I haven’t been anywhere. Oh, sure, I’ve been to a few places… I’ve been to Pittsburgh and Long Island and Columbia, SC, and Washington DC… but nothing much has happened while I was there to make any of those trips memorable. When I was in Pittsburgh, it was to see U2 on the Zoo TV tour, and it was a great show, but that memory seems more fitting for a “favorite concerts” blog party. Anyway, the point is, I didn’t feel informed or experienced enough to contribute anything meaningful to the party… and yet, I’ve never let my lack of knowledge or experience stop me from ranting and raving about topics that I basically know nothing about.

I decided on a compromise of sorts. Kind of. Maybe.

Darrell’s Five Favorite Destination Locations
A Travel Brochure For The Pretentious Home-Body

Number five on my list of Destination Locations can be described in many ways. It is at once a personal health spa, a recreational water park, and a library. It’s known simply as OUR BATHROOM. Thanks to a collection of three old Readers Digests and a National Review from 2004, a visit to OUR BATHROOM can be simultaneously relaxing and informative. But wait, there’s more! Because of the presence of a sink and a bathtub, younger visiters to OUR BATHROOM have found it to be full of opportunities for adventure! Beyond that, there seems to actually be something in the water of OUR BATHROOM that makes these youngsters stronger and more creative! Many is the time I’ve found myself marveling at how that water has effected the children, giving them the ability to get both water and toothpaste on the ceiling.

My fourth Destination Location isn’t so much a vacation spot as a compulsion for me. Because of my intense interest in anthropology, I’m often drawn back, again and again, to OUR BASEMENT. A little time spent searching for clues in this primitive wasteland has unearthed many marvels that still hold my fascination. It is my belief that we can learn much about our own culture by studying the mysteries of OUR BASEMENT, and trying to understand the people who placed such strange artifacts in there. What, for instance, would have inspired them to save a cardboard box containing a broken toaster and the eyes, ears, nose, feet, and moustache of a long lost Mr. Potatohead toy? Why would the apparent leader of this tribe have bought several Craftsman tools that he can neither identify nor figure out how to use? Those are just some of the questions I’ve had opportunities to ask in OUR BASEMENT. Other questions I’ve asked have included “What is that huge bug?” and “Did anyone hear me scream just now?” Yes, OUR BASEMENT can be elusive and dangerous, and it may never reveal all of it’s mysteries to us. Still, we owe it to ourselves to try to understand our own world a little better by learning as much as we can about the one with the cinderblock walls.

Every culturally sophisticated society has to have a “central nervous system” of sorts, and the hustle and bustle of my number three Destination Location is just that. OUR REC ROOM is “info central,” thanks to not one but two state of the art (as of 2002) personal computers. Visitors to OUR REC ROOM are afforded the opportunity to “cruise the net” with our lightning-fast 300K connection, and then relax with a game of “Rollercoaster Tycoon 3” or “Windows Solitaire.” But wait, there’s more! In fact, OUR REC ROOM is really two complete worlds in one! The north half of the room is “the technology center,” but the south half is often thought of as “Magical Toy Land!” Locally, the south half of OUR REC ROOM is known as “The kids’ half of the room,” or simply as “that damn mess.” The south half of OUR REC ROOM is a child’s fantasy land of delight, featuring many toys and games, some of which have not yet been broken. “Magical Toy Land” isn’t all about mindless play, though. In fact, this half of OUR REC ROOM is entirely educational. While playing, children are also learning the answers to questions like

How many Hot Wheels cars can we shove under a couch?

Will the dog eat a magic marker?

How can I blame one of my siblings for feeding that magic marker to the dog?

Whether you're a nature lover, a wildlife enthusiast, or simply a seeker of adventure, you'll find what you're looking for in OUR BACK YARD, my number two Destination Location. Of course, the local wildlife and vegetation are legendary for their exotic beauty, but visitors to OUR BACK YARD also enjoy the chance to marvel at the strange and mysterious customs of the indigenous peoples. And, what's more, during the "growing season," backyard visitors are often treated to fresh produce, absolutely free! Just a simple compliment to the gardener on his skills has ended up sending many visitors home with a luxurious Wal-Mart bag full of red, ripe tomatoes! While visiting OUR BACK YARD, be sure and "soak up the sun" in one of our posh, green, plastic lawn chairs… while enjoying a "Diet Coke" straight from the can it grew in! Nature isn't just a vacation spot in OUR BACK YARD. It's a way of life.

Imagine whiling away the hours in a tropical paradise. Imagine a beautiful local where ocean-side vistas and lush mountain getaways are equally accessible. You can use your imagination like this, or any way you want to, when you visit OUR LIVING ROOM! But, why entertain yourself with your imagination when OUR LIVING ROOM contains so many entertainment options designed to preclude the human imagination! For instance, you can feast your eyes on the lavish beauty of our magnificent 22 inch color television set! Enjoy reruns of "Cops" in syndication, and new episodes of "Ed, Edd, and Eddy!" Then, browse through our DVD collection and find a movie you'd like to watch! Or, enjoy not one, but two video game consoles! Our Nintendo Gamecube features a library of over six video games, including titles such as "Super Mario Sunshine," "Super Mario Kart," "Super Mario Advanced Sunshine Kart," "Super Mario Sunny Party Advancy Kart" and "Tetris!" But wait, there's more! OUR LIVING ROOM also features a state of the art Xbox video game console unit, with a library of over five games, three of which we've learned how to play! During your visit to OUR LIVING ROOM, you can enjoy music from our CD collection, or dance to the unrestrained rhythms of the occasional random obscene hip-hop song, blasted at an aggressively loud volume by those damn kids next door! Then, unwind in our posh relaxation spots, such as the recliner, the sofa (except for Darrell's corner), the floor, or, if guest capacity requires it, a chair brought from the kitchen! And at the end of your stay at OUR LIVING ROOM, rest assured you'll return safely to your car, guided by the security and comfort of our front porch light. Remember, next time you have a vacation to plan, there's nothing like OUR LIVING ROOM!

Well, there you go. Yeah, like I said, I've never been anywhere. But, that doesn't mean I can't be a showoff about it.