I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the big American Idol finale is on tonight. If you’re like me, you’ve been looking forward to tonight with giddy anticipation. That’s because, if you’re like me, you plan to clip your toe-nails tonight. So it’s going to be a big night in more ways than one.

This contest is not to be taken lightly. American Idol has changed the face of popular music like nothing before it. It deserves credit for launching the influential and iconic careers of ... uh... of what’s-her-name, and that fat black guy, and that other dude. Tonight, an anxious nation awaits the results: Who will win? The dirty long-haired guy or the blond chick?

It’s been an amazing season. I’ve not missed a single episode, except for the ones I slept through, the ones I decided not to watch, the ones I forgot about, and the ones I thought I was watching but turned out to be, in fact, “Nashville Star.” I’ve seen some outstanding talent, and some unforgettable performances, like the time that one guy sang that one song and it wasn’t awful.

The big question, of course, is “Who Will Win?” I, for one, can’t begin to guess. Both of the remaining finalists are poised to take over the charts for possibly up to a week. Let’s look at the finalists, shall we?

Carrie Underwood

When I hear Carrie Underwood sing, I find myself lulled into an almost hypnotic state. It’s the same reaction I have to the soothing tones of Faith Hill, Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Faith Hill, Martina McBride, Christina Aguilera, and Faith Hill. It’s also the same reaction I have to the tone they play on the radio when they do an Emergency Broadcast System test. In fact, I’ve often found myself dancing to that tone, having mistaken it for a Faith Hill song. I’m sure that, regardless of what happens tonight, American Idol will launch a career for Carrie Underwood, that I’ll hear her on the radio, and that I’ll have no idea who I’m listening to.

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Bo Bice

Who can forget Bo’s unforgettable performance of that song he sang that one week? Well, I suppose I can forget it, because I have. Nonetheless, it was amazing, and if I’d not gotten up to go get a bowl of sherbert, I’m almost certain that I’d have heard the whole thing. It’s been a long hard road for Bo, who’s spent the last 57 years singing in bar bands, and hopefully has retained the phone numbers of some of them.

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These two finalists have had to beat some pretty stiff competition to get where they are. Here’s a look at some of the others who, shockingly, have missed their chance to be famous for upwards of a month:

Scott Savol

Who can forget that time that Scott sang that one song and it sounded alright? I know I can't forget it, and I've tried. Then there was his heart-wrenching performance of Some Song, which sent shivers up and down my spine; or would have, had I not slept through it. Scott’s image, that of “the average guy trying to make it big” was a serious part of his appeal. His appearance and personal hygiene weren’t.

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Anthony Fedorov

It was hard to stay in my seat whenever Anthony would sing. That’s because I have a tendency to slide out of my seat when I’m sound asleep. It’s hard to limit myself to two favorite Anthony Fedorov performances, but if I had to pick two, I would. I guess it would be that ballad, and that other ballad.

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Vonzell Solomon

Vonzell had a style and image that was all her own... and was also all Beyonce’s own and Whitney Houston’s own and Brandy’s own and that other chick who died in that plane wreck’s own. I’ll never forget her amazing performance of that one song she sang that time. No, not that one, the other one. No, no, wait, you were right, it was the first one. I think. Anyway, whatever it was, I’ll never forget it.

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Constantine Maroulis

At first, Constantine seemed like just another rock dude. But with his sensitive delivery of torch ballads, broadway showtunes, and pop ditties, he proved his range. Constantine wasn’t just another rock dude. He was, in fact, just another boy band dude.

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Mikalah Gordon

Mikalah Gordon reminded me of a young Barbra Streisand, in that I hated and despised her.

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Nadia Turner

Nadia Turner, alas, did not have what it takes to be an American Idol favorite. Her vocals were beautiful and unique, she was a true individual, and she radiated class and personality. The poor girl. She’ll never overcome those handicaps.

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Ah, yes, American Idol. What a year! We laughed, we cried, we napped, we ate some sherbert. It’s painful for me to see another season come to an end. Somehow, I suppose, I’ll survive until next year, when a new batch of hopefuls will start all over again. In the meantime, thanks to Top 40 radio, I guess I’ll muddle through somehow.