When I got to work yesterday afternoon, I immediately heard from my co-workers that a new pope had been named. Since I’d spent the morning not downloading the new Nine Inch Nails album over the internet, I’d heard nothing of the news. I wondered who the new pope might be, and I called home to ask Wendy, who I was sure might have heard something on TV.

“I think they said his name was John Ratzenberger,” she said.

Well, close. John Ratzenberger, of course, is the name of the actor who played Cliff on the TV show Cheers. I was pretty sure they’d not named him the new pope. Can you imagine the kind of rambling, off-topic masses we’d hear from Pope Cliff? Just imagine the crowd scratching their heads in St. Peter’s Square as Pope Cliff delivered the following:

“You know, there, Normie, the interesting thing about this whole Cathological Mass type situation is the belief, there, of what they call the transflageration of the, uh, uncherist. Oh, yeah, it’s a fascinating concept…”

No, no, no… we don’t have Pope Cliff heading things up in Rome, and it’s a good thing. We have Pope Benedict XVI, formerly known as Joseph Ratzinger. A close enough name to John Ratzenberger, so a mistake is easy to make.

I’d been reading about the likely candidates for the papacy in Time Magazine, and the little bit I read about Joseph Ratzinger made me like him… and the more I read, the more I like.

For someone beginning the year-long process of converting to Catholicism, I think Pope Benedict is going to be the right guy at the right time. For one thing, he’s being called very conservative by the mainstream press, which is always a good sign. Keep in mind that the mainstream press uses the word “conservative” as a slur… where as they don’t even seem to know the word “liberal.” Think about it, have you ever heard Bill Clinton described as a liberal in the mainstream press? The code-words they use to describe someone as liberal include “dynamic,” “controversial,” and “vibrant.” They’d never actually out one of their fellow leftists.

Not only am I happy to hear that Pope Benedict is conservative, I’m happy to hear that he’s a hardliner when it comes to Catholic orthodoxy. I hope that he is, and that is papacy will create a good proving ground for Wendy and me. If strict interpretation of church guidelines becomes the norm, Wendy and I can rest assured that our beliefs are being compared to and instructed by a pure, undiluted Catholicism.

And I hope I don’t seem irreverent (I don’t mean to be) when I point out that while the new pope doesn’t look anything like John Ratzenberger, he looks a lot like Nicholas Colasanto, the late actor who played Coach during the first couple of seasons of Cheers.


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